Saturday, May 31, 2008

TWQ: Favourite Shops

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about shopping.

Which stores do you enjoy shopping in and like to go around as often as possible?

My answers are:

Bookshops are always wonderful to meander through. Hatchards in Picadilly (London) is wonderful, as is Waterstones in Birmingham. Sometimes I can find unexpected treasures, like I did with 'The Book Thief' by Marcus Zusak.

I try to avoid all shops with pushy sales assistants.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Running For Mayor Of Unimatrix Zero

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

Things are hotting up in the race to be Mayor here in Unimatrix Zero.

Since I decided to throw my hat in the ring and run, competition has been fierce. I am neck and neck with my rival Axum, who happens to be my former lover. I caught him going off with another woman.

I wonder what my alter ego Seven of Nine would think of all this? She will never know, as we, here in this area, are the subconciousness of Borg drones who possess the recessive gene. She and the Borg Queen are always on the prowl for Borg that have them. If only Seven knew!

Still, I'm having to go all around the caves in the area, kissing babies and telling them my policies.
Korris, my Klingon neighbour, is my Campaign Manager. Together we worked out a set of sensible measures for the manifesto. I threw in extra taxes for golf clubs, as Axum loves to play golf, and tax relief for the Unimatrix Zero Women's Institute.

After all, I am a member there, and it would give me some kudos with the Chairwoman.

Here I am, at the next cave.

"Hello." I say robotically as the owner comes near, "Can I be sure of your vote at the Mayoral Elections?"

"No you may not!" says the angry and familar voice.

It's Vi Toran; the Bajoran lover of Axum.

"You wait and see." I tell her, "Axum will dump you as soon as the next woman comes along and he tires of you."

"I keep him satisfied." Toran says cattily, "Which is more than you ever could. Axum will be Mayor, I shall luxuriate in the title of Mayor's wife and you will be nothing."

I am about to go forward and have a fight with her of major proportions when Korris steps in behind me.

"Annika." he advises, "It wouldn't be good for the Mayoral candidate to be seen fighting with the lover of of her opponent. The Unimatrix Zero press and television are close by, and they would be delighted to get a major headline for Unimatrix Zero Today."

He's right. People will pick that rag up and get the wrong impression.

"After the elections," I say quietly to Toran, "It's you and me."

"Anytime, Hansen," she smiles, "Anytime."

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Worf Does Stand-Up Comedy (Part Two)

All of the senior staff approach the Klingon nightclub, named 'Glorious Kahless' and enter. Worf is still relectant to go in.

"Captain Picard." he pleads, "I would request that I not be pushed into doing this."

"Nonsense, Mr Worf." I reply, "You were invited to perform your stand-up comedy act, in which you sing at the end by the Klingon Annual Variety Show group. Now all of your friends want to see you. We never knew you did this sort of thing."

Worf mumbles a few things that it is not suitable for my Journal.

We all sit down near the front and wait for Worf to come on. Sadly T'Pol and Ensign Britney were already ejected from the club for throwing bread rolls at the stage and shouting "Where's the disco?"

Eventually, the Klingon Master of Ceremonies comes on.

"Greetings fellow Klingons..and others" he says, while looking at us, "The next act is a comedy and music turn by Worf, son of Mogh. He's been in Starfleet for a while, but don't hold that against him."

A few laughs go round the theatre.

"Give a big hand for Worf..."

Following the applause, Worf leaps on to the stage and grabs the microphone.

"Thank you, K'Tagh for the introduction." he starts, "That was truly awful."

A few laughs.

"Seriously, folks." he continues, "It's great to be here. Hey, how many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 151. One to screw the lightbulb in and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace!"

The Klingons fall about laughing, as Worf continues.

"Do you know how to get a one-armed Romulan out of a tree? You wave to him."

The Klingon in the next table almost chokes on his bloodwine on that one.

Worf moves on to the next jole, "What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A croaking device."

While we from the Enterprise wince at some of these, the Klingons are laughing continually.


"A Klingon and a Romulan fall off a tall building at the same times." Worf carries on with his next side-splitter, "Which one hits the ground first? The Klingon. The Romulan had to stop and ask for directions."

I'm beginning to notice a distinct familiarity with the jokes Worf is telling. I nudge the Klingon sitting at the next table.

"Excuse me." I say, "Are the jokes Klingons do always anti-Romulan."

The Klingon looks at me dismissively.

"Count yourself lucky." he replies, "Not so long ago, the jokes we told were anti-human as well."

Worf continues, telling everybody that 'Romulan' happens to be an anagram of 'unmoral'.

So he continues with a whole raft of anti-Romulan jokes that leave the audience in tears of laughter. He ends with:

"Did you know that the Romulans put all their energy in resources in putting a cloaked surveillance satellite in Earth's orbit, which was supposed to monitor Starfleet HQ, but could only pick up MTV instead!"

Worf then says to them all, "You've been a great audience. I'd just like to end with a favourite song of mine. I know it's one you all know. It's The Journey of Kahless. As I don't have too much time, I'll sing the shortened 90 verse version instead of the ful 440 verse one."

He wails:

"Ah, Kahless was a warrior, from long ago.
He braved the mighty,
He walked the Plains......"

He drones one for what seems an eternity, although the Klingons are happily singing along, and waving their jugs of bloodwine at the same time.

Eventually, when I am almost in a stupor and most of the crew have passed out from the exhaustion of listening, applause comes from all around, and Worf has finished. He comes over to us and I manage to wake the crew up in time."

"Err...well done, Mr Worf." I tell him.

"I was pleased to do my act again, Captain," he replies, "It shows I can still do it. Perhaps I may be able to repeat it for the crew on the Enterprise?"

Oh, please, please let him forget to do that.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Worf Does Stand-Up Comedy (Part One)

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

"What's this?" I ask Worf in a puzzled manner. A directive has come addressed to him addressed from the Klingon homeworld. It has been put on the 'to be deleted' section of his computer.

Me, in that curious type Trill mind of mine, couldn't help by taking a sneaky peek.

It reads as follows:

Greetings Worf, son of Mogh,

It is our pleasure to invite you to participate in the Klingon Annual Variety Show. Many have expressed great delight in your act. It is still being talked about even now, although it has been some years since you actually attended.

Please agree to coming.

K'Tagh (Variery Organiser)

"Your should not have seen that, Jadzia." Worf tells me firmly, "I was going to delete that in a few moments. I have no intention of going to that event."

"Whyever not?" I ask, "Just what is it you do in this variety act?"

Worf starts to look red, if that is at all possible.

"I stand up comedy." he answers quietly, "Plus I usually finish the routine with a song."

"That's wonderful!" I comment admiringly, "Tell me a joke, Worf."

"I cannot do that so easily." he tells me, "It has to be at the club where the variety goes on. Anyway, it is all irrelevant, as I shall not be going."

"Yes you will, Worf!" I dictate firmly, "I'm going to see Captain Picard. He'll be keen to bring the crew to see you do your routine."

I had never previously heard a Klingon groan and wince. That was what Worf was doing as I took him by the hand and dragged him unwillingly in the direction of the Captain."


"REALLY?" exclaims Captain Picard in amazement, as I tell him of it all. Beverly Crusher and Deanna Troi, who are in the office with the Captain are trying to keep a straight face. Worf looks extremely irritated.

"How come you never told us of this, Worf?" Deanna enquires, "We would have all loved to hear you on talent night." The others nod.

"I had rather you didn't know." Worf comments.

"Well now we do!" Picard tells him with a smile, "Get some seats near the front of the Klingon theatre for the crew, Mr Worf. We are going to want to hear you."

He summons Data to his office.

"Mr Data, change course for the Klingon homeworld. We have a Variety show to attend."

To be continued...

Saturday, May 24, 2008

TWQ: What Would You Do?

This week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks what you would do if you had complete freedom.

What would you like to do if you didn't have to go to work, or had no family responsibilities, and money wasn't an issue?

My answers are:

I would probably live on a cruise liner, making sure I saw as much of the world as possible. with homes in various parts of the world to drop in on occasionally. I'd also like some paintings, plus a portrait of myself.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, May 22, 2008

A Small Plumbing Problem

Lieutenant Geordi LaForge looks particularly panic stricken; with him is Commander Riker.

"We've got a small problem." They both seem to say at once.

"Well see Doctor Crusher about it." I answer, "Or failing that, see Counselor Troi."

"No, Captain." Geordi tries to say, "It's a plumbing problem."

"Oh, I see." I tell him, "Then you DEFINATELY need to see Doctor Crusher."

Both of them seem to be frustrated, as if I'm not understanding what they are saying.

"The problem is this." Riker says slowly, "The errr...lavatories in the Enterprise washrooms are ceasing to function. As they are all linked, none of them are working."

"And we've got over a thousand people on board..." I say in realisation.

"That's right, sir." Riker answers, "And with the Bolian digestive system, it could be a major difficulty."

"It was their system that probably caused the washrooms to fail. " I tell them, "Get the emergency repairers out here."

"It's under way, sir."

"Tell everybody to errr...hold tight." I say, in a somewhat poor choice of words.


A few hours later, the repairer is beamed aboard. Everybody on the ship is looking a little restless, as if they want to use the facilities desperately. The Bolians have been given a sleeping drug just to make sure everything is all right.

The repairer is covered in a protective suit with an air cannister on the back.

"Hello mate." says the soundspeaker on his suit.

I groan.

"Hello Sid." I reply.

Sid is the Starfleet repairer who uses tools and technology from the 20th Century to repair problems. His mind and manner is fixed in that era as well.

"What's the suit for, Sid." Riker asks him.

"Are you kidding, mate?" he answers, "When I have to do a lavatorial plumbing repair job on a starship inhabited by all sorts of race...Bolians incuded....I'm keeping this suit well and truly on!"

Sid makes his way to the main washroom where the trouble originated. We notice that some crew have passed out from walking near the doorway.

Riker, LaForge and I are starting to feel a little groggy, so we walk back quickly. I turn to see Sid go in holding a spanner and carrying a bag of tools.

We section the area off from other crew, as it is too dangerous to go near.


A while later, we are all waiting for news from Sid.

"It's been half an hour. Do you think he has air for that long, Jean-Luc." asks a worried Bev, "If he fails to fix the problem, we could all be done for."

"He's still going, Bev." I reply, "The sound from the room can tell that his hammer and spanner are banging away at the pipes."

Suddenly there is silence. We all look at each other worriedly.

After a couple of minutes, the monitor shows the figure of Sid walk out of the washroom with his hood off.

"It's all fixed, mate!"


We escort Sid to the Transporter Room and ask him how we can prevent anything like this happening again.

"That's easy, mate." he replies, "Never serve a Bolian lasagna after he has had Klingon Bloodwine. It's a potent combination."

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Three New Ensigns On Board (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Karena

So my pumpkin, Wesley and I have finally made it on to the USS Rhode Island as fully fledged Ensigns. So has that awful Andorian woman, Tarah, but as I despise the girl for making eyes at my Wes, I don't want to speak about her.

Captain Erika Hernadez sounds a reasonable woman. It pleases me that she is in charge, as I can take orders from a woman much more than a man, being an Amazon, and having grown up as a Princess in a society on the planet Wondawowman where the woman is always right.

Well she is, after all.

What disturbs me is Commander Mark Hathaway. He seems to leer at me in my Amazonian outfit, and tends to wink at me when Wes isn't looking as we walk to where my quarters are. He also leers at Tarah.

Well he can leer at her as much as he likes, but if he comes near me, this spear will go where the sun doesn't shine.

After he escorts the three of us, the Commander smiles at me.

"I'd be delighted to give you a personal tour of the ship, later on, Karena, if you wish." he says when Wes is out of earshot.

"That won't be necessary, Commander." I tell him sharply, "My fiance Wesley and I are more than capable of finding our way around the ship."

Hathaway gets the message.

"I'd better see how Ensign Tarah is getting on." he comments.

"You do that, Commander." I reply, "You're bound to have better luck with her."


While my pumpkin and I are together, unpacking, he seems so excited by it all.

"Gee, honeybunch." he exclaims, "Everybody is so helpful on here. Commander Hathaway seems to like us."

Poor Wes has no idea.

"I'm not sure about that, pumpkin." I say, as I put my battle armour and shield in the wardrobe.
"We could go with Tarah and the Commander on a double date if you like."

"Whatever made you come up with that?" I ask.

"Tarah just sent me a message while you were in the bathroom."

I become enraged.

"Now look, Wes!" I tell him patiently, for men can be so slow, "I don't want you going anywhere near that Tarah, do you understand!"

"Sure, honeybunch." he answers, "Whatever you say."

"Just remember, Wes." I say, "Commander Hathaway and Tarah are well suited. They both only want one thing, and they're not getting it off us."

The door opens and Tarah appears.

"Are you lovebirds coming to dinner with Mark and I, then?" she asks, "He says you can sit with him if you like, Karena."

Angrily, I grab my spear and throw it, but it just misses her, and Tarah runs off.

"I take that as a 'no', then, Karena." Tarah comments from outside in the corridor, "You missed me by quite a bit with that spear of yours."

"If I had been planning to hit you." I reply sharply, "You would have been pinned against the wall. Enjoy your dinner Tarah."

The Andorian looks alarmed and disappears quickly.

I kiss Wesley and say, "Well, we seem to be settling down now, on our new ship."


Author's Note:

Another cruel meme, this time from Novy

1: Ten years ago I was: Still Captain of the USS Enterprise. No one will promote me to Admiral!

2: Five things on today's To Do List:

A: Having morning cup of Earl Grey
B: Go in the holodeck
C: Do some time on the Bridge
D: Work on Spacebook on the computer.
E: Go on a date with Beverly Crusher

3: Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:

We don't have currency in the Federation, which accounts for me never getting a salary slip.

4: Three Bad Habits:

A: Keep saying "Make It So."
B: Doing the 'Picard Manouvre' of adjusting my uniform.
C: Keep calling Riker 'Number One'.

5: Five Places I've Lived.

France, Starfleet Academy, USS Stargazer, USS Enterprise, Borg Cube.

6: Five Jobs I've had in Life:

Starfleet Cadet, Starfleet Captain of Stargazer, Starfleet Captain of Enterprise, and various ranks in between

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Three New Ensigns On Board (Part One)

Guest Poster: Erika Hernandez

"So who are our new new victims....I mean Ensigns?" asks Commander Mark Hathaway, as the two of us walk towards Transporter Room 3 of the USS Rhode Island.

"An interesting trio, Commander." I reply, "One is a male prodigy, the son of the Enterprise Doctor, another is his fiancee, who is an Amazonian warrior, and the other is an Andorian woman named Tarah."

"Fascinating!" exclaims Hathaway, "I wonder which of those two women I'll have as my weekly love interest?"

"Now you can stop that right there, Mark." I tell him, "You should stop trying to model yourself on James T Kirk. I know he's your hero, but the Rhode Island is losing staff because of you."

"Why is it my fault?" he asks.

"Firstly, you take them on perilous Away Missions." I answer, "Some so hazardous, you might as well give them red shirts and paint targets on them like Kirk used to do. That's not all. A lot of the female Ensigns are away for medical reasons. They're on maternity leave!"

"I can't help it if they like me, Erika." he smiles, "You know you're the only one for me."

"You can forget that, Mark!" I reply sharply, "After you went chasing that young Maravian Ensign, you're not coming near me again!"

The two of us get to the Transporter Room. The three Ensigns beam on. I walk forward to greet them.

"Welcome to the USS Rhode Island!" I say warmly, "I'm Captain Erika Hernandez, and this is Commander Mark Hathaway."

"Gee!" says Wesley to the Amazon, "It looks just like the Enterprise, doesn't it, honeybunch?"

"Indeed it does, pumpkin." she answers.

"Hi, Captain." he says to me, "I'm Ensign Wesley Crusher, and this is my fiancee Ensign Karena. The other Ensign is Tarah."

Hathaway whispers in my ear, "I love the skimpy outfit the Amazon is wearing, but should be be waving that spear around?"

"Yes, Commander." I reply quietly, "She is allowed to wear cultural dress and anything that goes with it, which her spear counts as being. See that the crew are made aware of this."

Tarah overhears what we are saying,

"Actually, she's a primative, Captain." she tells me. This enrages Karena who starts to fight Tarah.

I order them to separate, and tell them that I will not stand for fighting on my ship.

The three of them go off, the two women clearly seething at each other.

I can see I'm going to have some problems with those three!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

TWQ: Gruesome Gadgets

TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at those gadgets that you have always found it difficult (or impossible) to master.

What gadgets did you have trouble coping with so that you never used it as well as you could have, or gave up in the trying?

My answer is:

Five years ago, I bought my first digital camera, an Olympus. It was a compact (which I never like. SLRs are better). It came with a very small basic instruction book. The main instructions were on a computer disc. The only way to learn was to read the 200 pages that were on the screen! My annoyance with this made me give it back to the shop where they swapped it for an SLR film camera. I now have this, plus a more user-friendly SLR digital.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, May 15, 2008

The Abduction Of Data (Part Six)

Guest Poster: Data

I am suddenly activated.

I find myself in a laboratory that is clearly set in an underground cave. Next to me is my girlfriend Jennifer Baxter, who looks rather attractive in a black leather outfit, and has a bag of guns with her. She is looking rather pleased.

"Yeah!" she shouts, "I knew I could do it!"

"Jenny." I ask, "What is going on? The last thing I remember is being beamed off the Enterprise and switched off by someone before I could do anything."

"That someone was your brother Lore." she answers, "He took you apart, hoping to spread your pieces around the galaxy, just keeping vital parts for himself that may break down. He faked the calls from the Staros so the Enterprise would go there. Fortunately he didn't know I had read the book 'How to Assemble a Positronic Android.' Right now we have to get out of this laboratory, which has a force field.."

"That could be difficult, Jenny." I tell her.

"Actually, Data." she says, "I was hoping your electrical circuits might be able to help in that direction."

"You are right." I reply, "However a wire routing could either short circuit the forcefield system...or my positronic brain."

"Then we'll have to make sure we get it right, sweetie." Jenny answers confidently, "I did read the 'Advanced' section in the book. Get the top of your head open."

I do what she asks, though I am slightly concerned regarding her ability. I am somewhat reluctant in having my brain short-circuited.

The wire from the door power block is attached to my brain. I feel a sudden sizzle, but in a moment, I am still functioning. Jenny throws a brick through the doorway and confirms that the forcefield is down.

"Right." she says, "It's time to get Lore."

The two of us run through, but he is nowhere to be located. We head toward the exit, only to be greeted by Captain Picard, Doctor Crusher and the rest of the Enterprise crew.

"Well done, Ensign." the Doctor says with a smile, "I see you have Data back in one piece."

"He is now." Jenny answers, and procedes to tell everybody about Lore.

"Well there is no sign of him here." the Captain comments, "He must have seen us coming on his long-range sensors and got away in that Escape Pod. It would have been small enough to prevent us detecting it."

"That is most unfortunate, Captain." I state.

"Indeed, Data," he answers, "Although the Escape Pod has saved many starship lives, it was not created to let criminals get away. I fear you have made an enemy today, Ensign Baxter."

"That's fine by me, sir." Jenny answers, "If Lore comes anywhere near me or Data, he'll be sorry, and end up ventilated."

I think Lore would be wise stay well clear. Jenny is not the sort to be pushed around.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The Abduction Of Data (Part Five)

Guest Poster: Jennifer Baxter

I've tracked the abductor of my boyfriend Data to a small, insignificant planet. A vessel had beamed him off the Enterprise, but they could not follow due to a treaty signing at Staros. Therefore Captain Picard sent me on an unofficial mission to rescue him.

Now on the planet, I've negotiated a series of treacherous routes through a cave to find a laboratory, with Data taken apart and packed in a box.


"Hello Miss Baxter." says the familiar voice behind me.

"Data???" I exclaim"'s Lore!"

"Excellent, Miss Baxter....may I call you Jenny? It's good that you know your boyfriend's brother. You should always know their relatives."

"Why did you kidnap him, Lore?" I ask.

"Do I need a reason?" he says, "How about hatred, jealousy? Actually I wanted to take Data apart to sell off a few components to various places so he couldn't be put back together. Naturally, I'd keep a few vital ones as well, in case any of mine blew a fuse."

"You're insane!" I exclaim.

"And all the king's horses and all the kings men couldn't put poor Data together again!" he sneers, "Incidentally, Jenny, I love that black leather outfit of yours. Data has impeccable taste in women. You're very welcome to come with me instead."

I grow enraged and aim my multiphase energy rifle.

"Eat this, metal mouth!" I exclaim.

A heavy bolt of distorted energy shoots out from the rifle towards the doorway where Lore is standing.

However, the energy bounces effortlessly off an invisible forcefield that Lore has just activated. He laughs.

"I noticed that you got your bag of guns off Garla from 'Weapons-U-Like' on Barius IV." Lore tells me, "It's too bad you didn't ask about force fields. Garla was doing a sale on them, and I got this one at a good price."

"You'll never get away with it." I tell him, "The Enterprise will track you down."

"Don't be too sure." Lore warns, "Data's componants will be spread all over the galaxy by then. However, your coming here may mean they could locate this planet. I'll get my token Escape Pod ready. All villains have to have one of these. Garla gave me 50% off the cost for it."

Lore strides off to work on the Escape Pod while I remain trapped in the laboratory with a diassembled Data.

Mmmm...I wonder....?

To be continued....

Sunday, May 11, 2008

The Abduction Of Data (Part Four)

Here in the Enterprise, we have nearly arrived at Staros, so that we can sign an important Treaty.

However, my mind is on other things...and it's not when my next cup of Earl Grey is going to arrive.

Data was abducted by a small vessel just as we set off from Staros, but due to the insistance of the Starovians that the Enterprise senior staff be present, and that the Treaty meant a big difference in the future of Federation border controls, we had to go. However, Data's girlfriend, Jennifer Baxter has gone on an unofficial mission to rescue him, although I approved it.

"Have you heard anything, yet, Captain?" Riker asks me as he walks into my Ready Room.

"No, Number One." I reply, "My Earl Grey could be a while yet, as the replicator is being a little troublesome."

"I meant Ensign Baxter." he explains, "We haven't heard from her since she left in the Orion shuttlecraft.

"She is a most resiliant female." adds Worf, who was standing behind Riker, "I found her a formidable adversary in the holodeck martial arts program."

"You mean she beat you!" Riker adds quickly.

"There is no need to speak of that." Worf replies, "The important thing is that we are able to locate Commander Data and Ensign Baxter."

"Agreed." I tell them, "Let's get this Treaty over with so we can find them."

The three of us go to the Bridge where the other staff are gathered. The ship is coming out of Warp.

T'Pol and Britney are both near the back, and are standing with Seven of Nine.

"You should have sent the three of us, Locutus." Seven insists, "We would have brought Data back without a problem."

"I could not do that, Seven." I reply, "You three were deemed necessary to the Treaty, though I can't think why."

It might have made it too easy for us, come to think, with those three going along as well!

"Open a hail to Staros." I command in my best Captain's voice.

"Planet Staros speaking!" comes the reply from a man wearing a weird toupee and looking like he's from a call centre, "I'm Bruca, how may I help you?"

"I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise." I inform him, "We are here for the signing of the Treaty with the Starovian President."

"You must be mistaken." Bruca replies, "We are expecting no visitors. In fact, the President is on vacation for the next week."

I start to get annoyed, but Deanna breaks in. She is better at diplomacy than I am.

"Perhaps it is a secret meeting, Bruca?" she asks, "Please check with your supervisor to see the details, and you can send us the co-ordinates for beaming down."

"I AM my superior, young lady." he replies, "I am the Secretary for the President here on Staros, and if he had to meet anyone important, I would know about it. Now kindly leave."

The link promptly switches off, and we all look at each other blankly before the truth dawns.

"There never was a Treaty!" Deanna exclaims, "All this was a ruse to get us here."

"...and to prevent us rescuing Data." I continue, "Faked messages that insisted the whole crew be present."

"The only thing that the message did not allow for was Jennifer Baxter going by herself..." Beverly surmises.

Swiftly, like someone who has been caught out by an April Fool gag, I say, "Turn the ship round, and go Warp Nine. We might not be able to follow the original ion trail of the abductor's ship, but the Orion shuttlecraft might have one. If Jennifer Baxter has set up a distress beacon on the ship, it will take us right there.

Let's hope we're in time!

To be continued...

Saturday, May 10, 2008

TWQ: Influential TV Characters

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at those characters in a tv series that are your favourites.

Which characters in tv series are your favourites, and are also most influential in the stories. List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

CSI: Sara Sidle (now sadly departed)
Lost: Benjamin Linus (who the whole series revolves around, in my opinion)
Smallville: Chloe Sullivan (a vital character who has saved Clark more than once)
24: Chloe O'Brien (she keeps Jack Bauer in touch with events, even when it's illegal!)
Criminal Minds: Penelope Garcia (what would the team do without her? A great character)
CSI:Miami: Horatio Crane (those one-liners are priceless!)
Stargate SG1: Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter: (Both essential characters. Jack for his comments and also bewilderment at Sam's technical explanations)

Now it's over to you...

Terminatrix sent this meme.

This is from me:

01] I am scared of Sky.
02]Sky is a terminator.
03] If I were in a room with Sky, I would look for the door.
04] I think Sky should seek another occupation.
05] Sky needs to look at her good side..
06] I want to run from Sky.
07] Someday Sky will be caught by her enemies.
08] Sky reminds me of Seven.
09] Without Sky I might breathe a little easier.
10] My memories of Sky are not good.
11] Sky can be scary.
12] The worst thing about Sky is her ability to wipe humanity off the earth..
13] The best thing about Sky is ther human streak.
14] I am still scared of Sky.
15] One thing I would like to know about Sky is does she have any other hobbies?
16] Sky should go and join a library.
17] Sky worries me
18) What I like best about Sky's blog is her feminine view.
19) What I dislike about Sky's blog is her relentless destruction.
20) My favorite post from Sky is any that doesn't involve humans being killed off..

And this is from Seven of Nine...

01] I love Sky.
02]Sky is so much like me
03] If I were in a room with Sky, I would be very happy.
04] I think Sky should join forces with me to destroy those against us.
05] Sky needs me.
06] I want to help Sky.
07] Someday Sky will be victorious against the humans.
08] Sky reminds me of me.
09] Without Sky I have no friends.
10] My memories of Sky are pleasant.
11] Sky can be good company.
12] The worst thing about Sky is she is not a borg.
13] The best thing about Sky is that she is my friend.
14] I am best friends with Sky.
15] One thing I would like to know about Sky is does she feel the same about me.
16] Sky should go and terminate some humans.
17] Sky and me
18) What I like best about Sky's blog is her victories over humans.
19) What I dislike about Sky's blog is nothing.
20) My favorite post from Sky is the ones with us both in.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

The Abduction Of Data (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Jennifer Baxter

Having stopped off at 'Weapons-R-Us' to get enough firepower to defeat a small (no, make that a LARGE) army, I'm now back on the Orion shuttlecraft on the trial of the ship that abducted my boyfriend Data. The Enterprise itself has been forced to go to Staros to sign a Treaty as the Starovians insist on them being there.

Captain Picard has sent me on this unofficial mission, in the hope of tracking down the person or people who have Data.


It's been no fun in the shuttlecraft. Without anyone there, I'm forced to play idiotic games with the computer in which it will always beat me. I can only win against them if I ask it to. Where's the fun in that. I've got to admit, I think the way it plays Scrabble sounds definately fixed it with managing to get all the Q's, X's, Z's and J's in triple word position.

There is definate smugness in the way the computer says.

Computer victory. Do you wish to play again?

My reply is usually one that forces the computer to say it does not understand.


At last, the trail leads to a small, unknown planet. The sensors show the ship has landed next to some caves.

I land the shuttlecraft next to it and start Data-hunting. I get ready and survey the entrance. Very inviting. I know the answer lies in there.

Armed to the hilt, I enter the dark, dank cave. I hardly expect it to be covered with lights and a big sign saying "Hello, Jenny!"

I am working on the simple premise: if it moves, blow it to smithereens. I got this philosophy from reading the autobiography of James T Kirk, entitled 'The Way I Deal With Aliens And Women."

An eerie sound appears all around...

"JENNY...JENNY....JENNY..." It is Data's voice!

I notice that they are coming from speakers. My sonic disruptor phasers soon make short work of them. A pity really. They would have looked good in my quarters playing the music on my holo-CD.

Further on, there are more noises. It's like being on a ghost train here, as some of the sounds seem so realistic. Someone has installed the fake screams and shouts to scare anyone off. I won't be going on the Starfleet Amusement Park one again, as this is sending a shiver up my spine.

Still, I've got to put those fears aside, and live up to my heroine, Tasha Yar. It's hearing what she said about Data that attracted him to me.

In the distance, there is a light. It's a room. Surely the location of where everything is. Someone had better watch out.

The room is a science lab. I see a large box and look inside with horror.

Data has been taken apart and packed carefully away. Just his right arm is hanging on the wall, and Data's head is on the bench.

I then hear a familiar voice behind me.

"Hello Miss Baxter."

To be continued...

Author's Note:

This story will continue next week after the weekend TWQ

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

The Abduction Of Data (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Jennifer Baxter

Right now, I'm in the Orion shuttlecraft following the ion trial left by the mysterious ship that abducted my boyfriend Data from the Enterprise.

The rest of the crew aren't coming, as Starfleet has ordered all the crew to go to Staros, as the Starovians want to sign a border Treaty, insisting on the Enterprise being present.

As a result, Captain Picard has sent me to follow on an unofficial mission in order to follow Data.


I've changed out of my Starfleet uniform into the black fighting gear that I use when usually destroying monsters on the holodeck. Only this time, it's for real.

Firstly, I'll have to make a slight detour to Barius IV. It's not the place Starfleet personal usually like to go, as it's full of criminals, mercenaries and generally unpleasant people.

The sort that the Federation like to pretend doesn't exist.

I land on the outskirts, and march into the main town of Kalso. Creepy men are looking lustily at me, but I give them a look that tells them it will their last thought if they move any closer. Quickly, they shrink away.

At last, I reach the store, I want...'Weapons-U-Like'. This chain of shops has all the sorts of violent extras that the Enterprise, together with the rest of Starfleet wouldn't dream of having.

The proprieter surveys me from head to toe.

"Hello darlin'." he starts, "I'm Garla. What can I do for you?"

"I want some of your most violent and deadliest weapons, Garla."

"I've got all what you need, darlin'." he replies, "Feast your pretty eyes on this collection."

"Most impressive." I say.

"There's sonic phaser disruptors." Garla boasts, "Along with biometric rocket boosters, multiphase energy discharge weapons, high energy..."

"I'll take them." I tell him, "Charge them to Captain Picard, USS Enterprise. I'll have to go now, I'm on a mission."

"Good luck on your mission, darlin'." replies Garla, "Though with all that firepower, you don't need luck. They haven't got a chance."

I get back to the Orion shuttlecraft, lugging my bag of weapons. I hope the ship can take off with the weight now added!

Soon, I find the trial again, and with the stronger ion trail indicated, I must be getting closer.

Someone is going to get all these weapons fired in them for snatching my Data!

To be continued...

Sunday, May 04, 2008

The Abduction Of Data (Part One)

"Where are we going exactly, Captain?" asks Riker as I sit in my Ready Room, drinking my mid-morning cup of Earl Grey and eating my biccy.

"As I said before, Number One." I reply, "We are going to Staros. You should have listened properly in the briefing instead of eating those three donuts. This could be one of the most important assignments we've ever had as it could bring peace across the Federation borders."

"Why's that?" he asks.

I sigh. Why do I have to repeat these things for the benefit of those not listening?

"The Starovians sent a message to Starfleet saying they agree to police the Neutral Zone between the Federation and Romulan Star Empire. They have specifically requested that the Enterprise be present to sign the Treaty, and that all staff be present at the time designated."

"It all sounds rather suspicious, Captain." Riker comments.

"Number One." say irritatingly, "Why are you always so negative? If we can pull this off, the Romulans won't be able to get through to our borders ever again. It will be a great fillip for the Enterprise and the Federation. Look on the bright side."

We both go on to the Bridge.

"The Enterprise is on course for Staros, Captain." Data declares, "Proceeding at this speed, we should arrive at our destination in..."

Nothing else is heard, as Data vanishes into thin air.

Everybody goes into major panic as we try to figure out what is going on, as if we are turkeys who have just realised it's Thanksgiving.

"What's going on?" I ask, "Where did Data go?"

"Sensors show a small vessel has gone into Warp in the direction of 184.6." states Worf.

"Let's turn the ship round and follow it." I exclaim.

"Captain." Deanna reminds me, "The Staros meeting will not happen if we try and pursue the vessel. Starfleet informed us how important it was to attend. We may have to find him afterwards."

Grudgingly, I concede, and we continue on our way to Staros.


A few moments later, as I rest in my Ready Room, the door bursts open.

It's Ensign Jennifer Baxter, Data's girlfriend. She is livid.

"Why have you not gone after Data, Captain?" she demands to know. There's nothing so angry as an incensed woman.

I explain about the Summit meeting, but it's falling on deaf ears.

"So you don't care about him any more, then?" she comments, "Very well, I'LL go after him!"

"Ensign, the Starovians want everybody present, and..."

"DATA won't be present." Jennifer reminds me. She has a point.

"I can't risk losing another crewmember." I say pathetically.

"Captain." she says, rolling her eyes in impatience, "Check your records. I'm the fittest, toughest and most agile person on the ship, according to holodeck notes. I managed to beat both Jadzia and Lieutenant Worf in the martial arts."

I check and it's all true.

"Lieutenant Worf never mentioned it." I comment.

"He wouldn't, would he?" Jennifer replies drily.

I sigh.

"Very well, Ensign." I say, "Take a shuttle and follow the ion trial that the vessel took. This is strictly an unofficial mission that Starfleet know nothing about. If you are caught or killed, I will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Good luck, Jennifer."

I get the idea that a recorded tape should burn and fizzle out at this point.


As Ensign Baxter leaves in her shuttle, Deanna, Riker and Beverly see it disappear into the distance.

"Do you think she will make it, Jean-Luc?" Beverly asks.

"I hope so, Beverly." I reply, "Jennifer Baxter is Data's only hope."

To be continued...

Saturday, May 03, 2008

TWQ: Three Course Meal

TWQ (The Weekend Question) this week asks about what you want to eat.

What would be your ideal three course meal?

My answers are:

Starter: Breaded mushrooms

Main Course: Roast chicken (or possibly lasagna)

Dessert: Chocolate pudding

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Visiting Time In The Brig


Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

I'm sitting in the brig, which I'm getting to know quite well. I've had it decorated, and it looks quite stylish. A home away from home, one could say.

"Visitor!" barks out the guard, who enters the room.

T'Pol walks in. Always a pleasure to see my very best friend.

The guard lets the forcefield down, so we hug and exchange greetings.

"Great to see you, soulsista!" I say.

T'Pol reciprocates, and I ask how things are getting on.

"Things are a little dull without you, Britney." she answers, "It's always livelier when you are around."

"It might account as to why I'm here now." I reply.

"Just what DID you do?" she asks.

"They're so particular." I complain, "Just because I hit someone for saying I shouldn't chew gum. Rules and regulations are quoted to me and I get thrown in here again."

"That reminds me." T'Pol comments, "I've got this new style chewing gum with me. I found it in a shop in Tarius VI. It's supposed to be a whole new flavour."

"You're a fab friend!" I exclaim, and put the supply in the secret compartment of my Dr Martens boots.

"I do have a problem." T'Pol muses, "Where are we going to go on vacation this year?"

"What's the prob, sistah?" I reply.

"No one will have us, Brit!" she exclaims, "We are so rowdy, we have been banned from all the clubs and holiday complexes. Word of our behaviour has spread to all the planets. Whenever they hear the names T'Pol or Britney, they all groan and stop us."

"There must be someone who will have us." I say in desperation.

"As a last option" T'Pol tells me, "I called the Anything Goes Resort Planet, where there are no rules and people can do what they like all day long."

"What did they say?"

"They told me that they don't want our sort there, as we would cheapen them. The manager said that although there are no rules, they DO have standards."

"Charming!" I say, "Don't worry, sistah, there must be SOMEWHERE in the galaxy that has not heard of T'Pol and Britney."

"We'll find it, Brit." T'Pol replies.

The guard comes in to tell us that Visiting Hours are over. T'Pol leaves, and the force field is restored.

"Keep looking, sistah." I call out, as she leaves, "Some place will get a surprise this summer!"