Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween Party

We are in the holodeck and walking through Parisian sewers.

"I don't know why I agreed to this." I complain to Bev, "Surely we could have had a better Halloween party than tramping through these sewers trying to find Riker and Deanna."

"Oh, it's fun, Jean-Luc." Beverly tells me as I slip in the water again, "It's certainly different."

The senior staff and I are making our way to the Phantom's Lair. We are all dressed in top hats, capes or ballgowns. Typical styles of dress for a opera in the 19th Century. The off-key music, played by Riker is giving us the wherabouts about the location the party.

"I'll be glad to get there." Jadzia comments, "So that interminable organ music will stop." Everyone agrees to this.

Suddenly we are there. Deanna is tied to a post, and Riker rises from the ground, still playing the organ, like someone who used to play at the cinemas in the early 2oth century.

We untie Deanna, who says, "Will has definately got into the spirit of the occasion."

He steps off the organ to face us.

"Welcome to the Phantom's Lair!" Riker says with a mad cackle. His mask is effective. It looks nothing like him.

"The mask looks a distinct improvement." Seven comments, although I'm not sure whether that was said lightly, as Seven hasn't exactly got a sense of humour.

"Err...Captain??" says a familiar voice from the other side of the room. I see that it is Riker in a Phantom outfit.

"What is going on, Number One?" I ask.

"Well, when I programmed the scene, I went a little too far and the scene included the Phantom as well!" he tells me.

I groan.

"Computer, eliminate Phantom!" I call out. Nothing happens.

"I think there must be an anomoly in the program." Riker tells me, stating the obvious.

"Computer, reboot the program and return to scene, leaving out Phantom." I command.


For a second, we are in the square holodeck room, then back in the sewer. The Phantom has disappeared.

"That's a relief." sighs Bev, "Now let's enjoy ourselves."

The orchestra starts playing away, and we all get dancing, when the video wall lights up.

Who put THAT in?

"You call this Halloween scary?" comments T'Pol, "In the Terran Empire we REALLY know how to terrify people."

"Yeah, sistah!, You tell 'em!" yells out Ensign Britney, who she is dancing with, and is the only one not to conform, as she is (barely) wearing a goth outfit.

Surely Ensign Britney is the scariest here; she worries me more than Seven of Nine!


After some hours, of consuming alcohol and dancing to creepy and romantic tunes, we all leave.

"I'm going to relax now." I tell Bev, "And I guarantee I won't be putting any opera on!

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Data's Repair

Guest Poster: Data

At the moment, I am in some distress.

Due to a rather awkward crash-landing of the shuttle, caused by the failure of the retro landing gear, I am slowly making my way to a nearby town on the planet Rhysus III.

I expect the Enterprise to rescue me before long, but I need repairing now. The crash landing damaged my left leg and internal systems. When I performed a Level One Diagnostic upon myself, it informed me that I would go into permanant shutdown if the damage was not repaired very soon.

It is fortunate that I do not have my emotion ship turned on right now, otherwise, I would be in a state of 'high panic', as I believe it is called.

I see that the city is not very advanced. This is a concern, as they may not have the capability to deal with an android with positronic bodily problems.

Then I approach a building that may be able to help me.

Sid walks out into the forecourt. He is the technician who has been able to help the Enterprise out with his unorthodox and 20th Century ways. He recognises me.

"Hello mate." he says, "Gordon Bennett! You look worse for wear, Data my old chum. Let's get you into the Body Repair Shop and see what we can do."

"Thank you, Sid." I reply, "I did a Level One Diagnostic and found that the positronic generator is malfunctioning and requires..."

"Yeah, ok." he says , "Well never mind that, get up on the workbench and let's take a look at you."

I lie down on the bench, and Sid gets a spanner and screwdriver out. He starts tapping my leg, arm, chest and head.

"Yeah, well the watchemacallit has gone for a burton, mate." he informs me, "I might have another on the shelf here."

Sid then unscrews my left leg, removes it, and opens up part of my head.

He taps inside lightly with a hammer. My other leg shoots up in the air.

Sid puts my left leg on the bench, gets a chisel, then a hammer. I hear a loud banging. This concerns me.

"Do you think it is wise to use these implements, Sid?" I ask, "They are delicate parts."

"Don't worry, mate, you're in good hands."

Sid brings the leg over and screws it back on; he then taps inside my head again. This time, my left leg rises.

"I'll just put this fuse inside your head, mate." Sid informs me, "You should be ok now."

I perform a Level One Diagnostic to find that I am functioning perfectly.

"Thank you, Sid." I tell him, "I was unaware you had such a knowledge of positronics. Dr Soong would have been proud of you."

"It's nothing, mate." I tells me, "Just a bit of basic engineering that I picked up in the magazine Junior Engineer."

The Enterprise sends a message saying it will be picking me up in an hour. As I leave, Sid tells me he will forward the bill to Starfleet.

"Parts and labour don't come cheap, mate."

Saturday, October 27, 2007

TWQ: Ideal Halloween Costume

As it's Halloween, next week, the time of wearing a costume is here if you are going to a party. TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at what to wear.

What will you be wearing for Halloween this year? If you are not wearing a costume, what would your ideal choice be?

My answer is:

I think I'd like a glittering Elvis Las Vegas-style outfit if I could pick any one. It sounds though it might be rather heavy and warm, though.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Ferengi Lecture (Part Two)

We are all being forced by Admiral Sawyer to listen to Damon Tik give a nauseating lecture on profit and how much it means to them, with all their Rules of Acquisition.

Lunch has just passed and we are ready to resume. Tik asks if we have all bought the Quadrophonic CDs, holographic DVDs and computer instruction manuals to Ferengi profit making that his underlings have in boxes outside.


"Latinum is so important to us Ferengi." starts Tik, "Let others keep their reputations...we want the latinum (ROA 189). Even a blind man can recognise the glow of latinum.(ROA 123)"

"Have you ever thought of donating your profit to a good cause, Damon?" asks Jadzia.

"There's nothing wrong with charity, madam." replies Tik, " long as it ends up in your pocket." (ROA 144)

"I can't stand much more of this!" Bev comments to me, "Jean-Luc, get him off the stage; his schemes are not in line with Federation policy."

"I agree, Bev." I say, "Admiral Sawyer is mistaken if he thinks this lecture is useful in promoting intergalactic harmony. It only causes animosity."

Before I move to get Tik off the stage, a woman enters the room. She is Ambassador Sel, a Kovan representative.

"I just had to see this lecture." she declares softly, "I've heard so much about the Ferengi; I just love their large ears."

This comment destabilises Tik, who was saying that you can't make a deal if you are dead (ROA 125).

"You look very attractive, madam." Tik says to her.

"As do you", she replies, "I am Sel. Could you tell me all about oo-mox? I've been fascinated about that."

This excites Tik to a fever pitch. Oo-mox is the procedure where a female rubs a Ferengi's ears. It is considered highly erotic.

He runs over to her, and her hand touches his ear.

"They feel beautiful." purrs Sel, "I'd love to do this privately, Tik."

"S-so would I. You have a wonderful name. Sel is just right for a Ferengi."

With that, the two start to leave, but Tik's underling calls out.

"What about the lecture, Damon?" Dak asks, "Remember, she can touch your lobes, but never your latinum." (ROA 40)

"Remember also, Dak" Tik replies, "Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox." (ROA 223)

Both Tik and Sel disappear from the lecture hall eagerly.

"I think we've learnt a lot, Number One." I tell him, as we leave, "And Tik has done even more so, as one of the unwritten Laws of Acquisition I've heard is 'Money is money, but females are better'."

"I'll go along with that one!"Riker laughs.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Ferengi Lecture (Part One)

"I don't see why we should have to go, sir." I say with a protesting air.

"In the interests of intergalactic harmony, Picard." replies Admiral Sawyer with a tired sigh, "The Ferengi may well be a thorn in your side, but we can try to be friendly with them."

"But attending a lecture on how to make a profit is a bit much, sir." I counter, "After all, traditionally, we don't use currency any more, but trade items of value."

"You'll have to use bars of latinum, Picard." Sawyer tells me, "These lectures don't come cheap."
"You mean we have to PAY to go to these lectures!" I say with surprise, "I thought we were only going to be friendly to the Ferengi."

"So we are." the Admiral replies, "But you don't expect a profit-mad race like the Ferengi to be giving them away free, do you?"

"I suppose not." I concede, "I hope we can claim all the money we pay on Expenses."

", Picard." Sayer says quietly, now take the senior staff along to the lecture."


Some time later, we are awaiting the Ferengi to beam aboard.

As he beams on with an entourage and several boxes, I go forward to introduce myself and the staff. He rushes by.

"Yes, I know you're Picard." says the Ferengi, "I'm Damon Tik, now let's get to where I'll be giving the lecture. Valuable profit-making time is being lost while I'm here talking to you."

Tik is quickly taken by Worf to the lecture hall, while the others follow them, struggling with their boxes of materials, which I see are items to sell while entering and leaving the lecture.


Half an hour later, the crew are outside the entrance, all grumbling that they won't be let in until they have paid their Admission Fee. Tik comes out to see why they are not in yet.

"Time, like latinum, is a highly limited commodity." Tik reminds his underlings, "Dont forget that Rule of Acquisition."

"Get them in, Number One." I say, "I'll try and get Starfleet to reimburse them later."

Soon we are all ready to listen.

"Remember, making money is all you should be thinking of." Tik starts, "Us Ferengi are masters of making a profit out of anything that moves. If you have a family, don't let them stand in the way of opportunity (ROA 6) . It's so important, as greed is eternal (ROA 10)

Suddenly he stops and shouts to one of his underlings.

"Dak! Have you sold all the Entrance Tickets?"

"Nearly, Damon Tik." he replies.

"Only 'nearly'." says a livid Tik, "Remember, enough is never enough." (ROA 97)

We are forced to wait ten minutes until Dak has sold all the tickets, who has grabbed a few unwilling crewmen and forced them to give Dak some latinum.

"This is ridiculous." complains an irritated Riker, "I was forced to give this Ferengi a bar of latinum to see this!"

Riker walks over, and complains to Tik about the situation.

"The First Rule of Acquistion, Commander." Tik declares with a smug smile, "Is 'once you have their money, you never give it back." (ROA 1)

Finally, they are ready to start....again.

"Now then, everybody." Tik says, "As I was saying, opportunity plus instinct equals profit (ROA 9), so keep your ears open (ROA 7). Don't be afraid to deal with those higher in your chain of command, after all, employess are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don't hesitate to step on them" (ROA 211)

"Is moneymaking all you think about, Damon Tik." asks Deanna.

"Yes." replies Tik, "After all a Ferengi without profit, is no Ferengi at all (ROA 18). now we really must break for lunch. One can never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach." (ROA 214).

"This is intolerable." moans Worf, "We have all had to pay latinum to hear this Ferengi quote his Rules of Acquisition and how much he likes profit."

"I understand what you mean, Mr Worf." I reply, "He should guard against the 192nd Rule of
Acquisition....'never cheat a Klingon unless you can get away with it.'"

To be continued...

Sunday, October 21, 2007

500th Post!

Yes, this is the 500th post! For two and a half years, this has been coming your way.

Instead of me saying anything about it, I thought I'd let the others who appear on give their congratulions or whatever. I'll start alphabetically with first names, and work down. I can see there are some that are quite eager to say what they think.

I hope this is a good idea. Anyway, I'll hand it over.

Annika Hansen: "No one knows I exist, as I'm in Unimatrix Zero, so this will be pretty hush hush. Captain Picard is very patient. He'd have to be to keep my other self running."

Beverly Crusher:

"He is the best there is. Jean-Luc is a wonderful person, leader, with immense skills. It adds nothing to the fact that we will be going on our 500th post celebratory date this evening."

Beverly Howard: An inept Captain from this universe. He has no idea of how to run things, neither does my counterpart Crusher, otherwise she would be Captain instead of a mere doctor. Perhaps I can sens a message to Starfleet asking them to pension him off?"

Boothby: "I can remember the little whippersnapper running around the Academy Gardens when he was a Cadet. I thought he'dnever get anywhere. I guess I was wrong this time, but I was right about that Janeway girl. She was getting lost as a Cadet. now no one knows where she is!"

Borg Queen: "Locutus is a fine human, and did well when we assimilated him a while back. I shall look forward to doing that again when we eventually take Seven of Nine back."

Borg Queen Troi: "This is a person I will joyfully wipe out of all existance when my Cube, Unimatrix 02 destroys the Enterprise, and rids me of the human Troi woman.

Britney: "Yeah, well, I'm sure he's a great guy. The trouble is, I've seen more of the Enterprise brig than the boss man. The only time I do, he is saying "Brig, Ensign Britney!" to me."

Data: "Captain Picard is an excellent person, who has served Starfleet well in his career so far. He is loyal and devoted, despite knowing where my 'off' switch is."

Deanna Troi: "I sense great feelings of celebration and joy concerning the fact that the Captain is releasing his 500th Post."

Doctor: "Well, I suppose I should give the solid some form of credit. He did install holo emitters throught the ship that enable me to walk around freely. He still sees Crusher in charge, though, and me as the backroom boy. Not much of a surprise, seeing how they drool over each other."

Geordi La Forge: "The Captain runs the Enterprise well. He gives me complete freedom of the Engine Room, which gives me space to come up with these nifty little ideas that make the ship go faster...or break down."

Guinan: "Jean-Luc and I know each other quite well, of course, having met in the 19th Century. I guess you can say we have an understanding between us. He knows when I have these hunches that no one can be aware of."

Jadzia Dax: "Both me and the Dax symbiot are pleased at how the Captain handles the vessel. Personally spreaking, don't don't tell anyone this, but he's a lot better than the Captain on that Deep Space Nine station."

James T Kirk: "Who? I thought I was Captain of the Enterprise?"

Jennifer Baxter: "Captain Picard is a good guy. He doesn't say anything aboout the relationship that Lietenant Commander Data and I have. Others might be tearing their hair out. Our Captain doesn't do that."

Karena: "As an amazon, you want me to praise a MAN? I'm sorry, but I can't possibly do that, even for my pumpkin, Wesley. It's strictly for women I highlight."

Kathryn Janeway: "Is he still around? As I've been lost in the Delta Quadrant with Chakotay and the others for who knows how long, I haven't a clue what's going on."

Lore: "Another one who is on my 'To destroy' list. naturally my wacky brother Data is first, but Captain Picard can have the honour of being second."

Lwaxana Troi:

"Oh, Jean-Luc is such a darling! I had him eyed up as a potential husband at one stage, but he seemed very reluctant. Ah well, he didn't know what joys he had missed. I'll have to put all my energies into getting my daughter married off to that Will Riker."

Mirror T'Pol: "This Captain would not send me back to the mirror universe when he could, even though it was two hundered years old. I'm stuck on this Enterprise now, although the futuristic gadgetry is fun to look at, and I do have my sista friend Britney on board. Picard has been in charge for some time. In the Terran Empire, we remove them after so long if we tire of them."

Q: "Oh, Jean-Luc has been going a long time. I wonder if he'd like me to drop in and congratulate him? Perhaps a marching band on the Bridge, or dress them up in clowns outfits? Sometimes he just doesn't seem to see eye to eye with me, for some reason."

Reg Barclay: "Err..well, um...I'd just like to say...errr..well, I think the Captain is err..doing...ummm.. an excellent job....and that ok?"

Ro Laren: "The Captain is very upstanding. He keeps the Cardassians off the ship. As long as that happens, everything is ok. If one of them visits, I get mad big time."

Seven Of Nine: "Locutus is a fine human to study on my visit to the Enterprise. He possesses good leadership potential, which will help the Borg well when he is reassimilated. The Borg are supreme."

Sloan: "Sadly, Picard did not join Section 31, although he shows the potential to be a member. We had a black coat and coat, plus a hidden camera all ready to give him."


"The Captain has good moral character, and does not require a different female love interest every week, unlike another Captain I used to know."

Toots: "Yeah, Johnny is an ace guy. When I was his moll in the criminal gang, we really clicked, until that Crusher woman spoilt everything."

Vic Fontaine: I am most greatful to the Captain for creating the Sands holographic nightclub. As a result, we are running the Christmas Party this year."

Wesley Crusher: "Gee, is it 500 posts already? That's swell. My honeybunch, Karena and I are celebrating that. If it wasn't for the Captain, I would not be at the Academy and have met the woman I'll be marrying. The Captain must be so pleased I've saved the ship so many times."
Will Riker: "Yes, the Captain is STILL here, putting his posts, in, although I must admit, I'd like to be putting the Captain's posts in by now. Wouldn't he like a desk job? I've asked, but no, he is still there."

Worf: "The Captain is a fine man, probably the most honourable human I know. Naturally, Klingons are more, but I'm going somewhere else. It is a good day not to die."


Well that's it. What a group. They all seemed to have something to say. I hope you do in the Comment section as well. I look forward to hearing from you. This last 500 has been a great labour of love, in which I've come across so many wonderful people.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

TWQ: Blog Starts

As the post after this one will be the 500th one, this TWQ (The Weekend Question) takes a look into how we all started in what we do.

Why did you start your particular blog, and how how it changed sinced the beginning, and the way it is now?

My answer is:

When I first started, I intended to do a blog about my life in the office that I worked, but thought it could be too dull, as not too much happened. I picked instead a subject that I knew a lot about, and decide to project it from a different point of view. The first posts were small, without pictures, but have grown over the times.

Now it's over to you...

But before you go...

As mentioned above, the next post will be the 500th. Be sure to drop in when that comes, which will be from Sunday night onwards, British time.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Section 31 Career Interviews (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Sloan

Having come aboard the Enterprise to ask a few individuals if they would consider joining my group Section 31 hasn't been an easy task.

Naturally, I've come up against the predictable response from Captain Picard. His defensive blustering has always been a hazard, and a thorn in the side of Section 31. We always seem to come up against him in our honest subversive activities. It's all perfectly legal, as long as no one finds out about it.

I should have guessed that the Borg drone would give me trouble. After all, they are not real members of Starfleet, and it's the Borg who are on our list of people to eliminate.

"Let me see Lietentant Commander T'Pol." I dictate to Picard; he looks amazed.

"She is from the mirror universe of two hundred years ago!" he exclaims, "I don't see why you.."
"Just let me see her, Captain." I say with a sigh.

T'Pol enters, and views me with curiosity.

"Hello, T'Pol." I say, "My name is Sloan. Now I know you haven't been on the Enterprise long. I want you to know that there is another part of Starfleet that might appeal to you more, considering the tough environment that you've come from."

T'Pol leans forward. "Tell me more." she says.

I might have a recruit here. It'll mean a big bonus in my paycheck if I do.

"Well." I continue, "Section 31 is a group within Starfleet that pays little attention to standard rules. We have our own missions in which to destabilise certain alliances and create situations to suit ourselves."

"It sounds promising." T'Pol says, "Do I get to be in charge?"

"Er, not right away, T'Pol." I answer, "But after a while, if you are sneaky enough, you may attain that."

"In the Terran Empire." T'Pol says proudly, "We get promoted by using a dagger on our superiors when their use is over."

She is starting to worry me. I can imagine that dagger coming my way and her taking my place.

"Perhaps you aren't quite who we want in Section 31." I say hastily, "Thanks for coming in."

T'Pol issues a few Vulcan expletives and walks out. Picard laughs.

"Too worrying for you, Sloan?" he says, "Don't you think you can handle her?"

I glare at him. "There's still one more I want to see. Send in Ensign Britney."

Picard laughs again. Britney enters.

I'm glared at with suspicion again. Britney sits down, leans back and puts her Doc Marten booted feet on the table.

"Who are you?" she asks, as Britney takes the chewing up out of her mouth, "You look kinda suspicious."

Picard snorts with laughter.

"I'm Sloan, Britney." I tell her, "And I'm from Section 31. It's a part of Starfleet you can go to carry out skills to your potential. No more staying in the brig. We don't punish our operatives for minor transgressions like they do here on the Enterprise."

"Sounds cool." Britney answers, "When do we start?"

"Right away." I reply, "But what do you mean we?"

"Well, I'm not leaving the Enterprise without my sista!"

"You don't have any relatives on board, do you, Britney?" I ask with a puzzled look.

The Deltan sighs.

"Not my sister." she answers, "I mean my sista! My number one friend, T'Pol."

"I'm sorry, Britney." I tell her, "But she can't come."

"Then I ain't interested!" Britney says sharply, and puts the chewing gum back in, takes her boots off the desk and walks out.

"That was a failure, Sloan." laughs Picard.

"It may well be, Captain." I warn him, "But Section 31 is growing. Sooner or later it will dominate."

And with that, I vanish out of the Ready Room, just like a shadow, leaving Picard to clean up his Earl Grey soaked lap.


Author's note:
This is the 498th Post. Look out for the 500th Post commencing Sunday night!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Section 31 Career Interviews (Part One)

There's nothing like relaxing with a cup of hot Earl Grey tea, with classical music piping through in my Ready Room. It's so rare I have these opportunities.

Suddenly, I feel a gust of wind.

"Good evening, Captain."

Naturally, I drop my tea. It all goes in my lap, which makes me yell out in agony.

I turn round; it's Sloan.

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you, Captain." he says, "But there are a few matters I need to sort out here on the Enterprise,"

"You're not trying to recruit me again for that shady organisation of yours, Section 31?" I ask, "Because if you are, Sloan, you're wasting your time."

"Section 31 is a very valuable part of Starfleet." he replies, "We may do a few missions that are not quite the way you normally do things. Actually, I am not here to recruit you."

"Then what ARE you here for, Sloan?" I ask, "I don't like you, and I don't like you on my ship."

"Don't be awkward, Captain, but I'm here to interview a certain number of staff whom we think might be eligible for membership of Section 31."

"I won't let you seem them!" I state firmly.

"It's no use you being stubborn, Captain." Sloan says with a smug smile, "I'm here on the orders of 'certain' Admirals within Starfleet who are secretly members of Section 31. You won't be able to countermand an Admiral's orders."

"But..." I start.

"Just let me talk to them, Captain." he informs me, "If they refuse, I'll just leave."

"They won't want to join you" I say confidentally, "No one likes the evil ways your group acts."

"Then you shouldn't have a worry." answers Sloan, "Send Seven Of Nine in."

Seven clanks in, views Sloan suspiciously, and sits down.

"Hello, Seven." Sloan stats, "My name is Sloan, and I represent a Starfleet group called Section 31. We are asking if you would like join us. There are..."

"Section 31" interrupts Seven, "My studies into human behaviour and Starfleet practice indicate that this is a subversive group dedicated to the overthrow of other species and keeping it for humans."

"Well you are interested in the overthrowing of other species." comments Sloan.

"That is true." replies Seven, with rising anger "But it also includes YOUR species. I am here on the assignment of the Borg Queen, and do not wish to work for another human! My best friend Sky and I both believe all humans should be removed!"

With that, she gets up and storms off, leaving Sloan flustered.

"I told you no one would join you." I say to Sloan with a smile.

"Don't be too sure yet, Captain." he replies, "There are some others on my list I want to see."

To be continued...


Author's note:

M C Pearson has cruelly given me this meme to highlight where I was 10, 20 and 30 years ago. This is going to be a dull one, Mimi!

Now, this year, I have been on a cruise to Iceland, Norway, the Netherlands and Belgium. My father and I had just had our bathroom completely done.

1997: Not a good year, as my mother had been very ill for some time. Naturally, we did not go anywhere. The company I work for had a reorganisation and I had been in the Dudley office for two years.

1987: Working in the local office of my company. In two years time we were to transfer to the centre of the city for six years.

1977: Silver Jubilee year in Britain. There were many street parties. In the local office, where I had not been long, everyone wore union jack hats outside, and lots of fun was had outside. A happy year.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Unimatrix Zero Lifestyles

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

Here in Unimatrix Zero, the realm where certain Borg drones can go subconsiously when regenerating in their alcoves if they possess the recessive gene, a lot of things have been happening.

It is most fortunate that the drones have no memory of their time here when they awaken. My other self, Seven Of Nine would never imagine that she was one of us!

Well, Axum has been given the heave-ho. I have had enough of him.

The last time I wrote, I mentioned that I was getting very suspicious of his actions. He used to claim that he was getting in some golf practice so that he could join the exclusive local club. However, I had caught him eyeing the Bajoran woman Vi Toran as she visited the stream.

I secretly followed them and caught them.

"It's not what it looks like, Annika." says Axum helplessly, "Vi and I were just washing our clothes in the stream and decided to clean the ones we had on as well."

I ask you. Does he think I'm that gullible?

Needless to say, there was a 'discussion' between Toran and myself which left her very much worse for wear. Axum had a black eye from me as well.

With this parting gift from me, I sent him packing from our cave, and threw his golf clubs on to the floor, not forgetting to break a few with a rock before, of course.

Naturally, I got a lot of sympathy at the Unimatrix Zero Women's Institute, where the quality of my Upside Down cake is still talked about as legend. I wasn't after any sympathy, though, but it was good to hear Axum talked about in such a derogatory manner!

"He was always a bad lot." Muriel says to me, as we were making our clay pots, "You go and get yourself a decent man."


The Klingons next door are still singing songs of victory and their endless ballads. One comes to see me.

"Greetings, Annika." he says with a smile.

"Hello Korris." I reply.

"Where is Axum, your master?" he asks. This irks me.

"I have thrown him out." I declare proudly.

"You are a most spirited woman." Kollis says to me, "Would you consider joining me for a date in my cave?"

"Err....I'll pass, if you don't mind, Kollis."

He goes away, slightly disappinted.

I wonder if there is a dating agency here on Unimatrix Zero?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

TWQ: Surprises

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about surprises.

What big surprises have you ever had that almost left you speechless. Tell us about them.

My answers are:

1: Many years ago, for my birthday, my parents had arrived a kissogram girl to come to the office. They arranged it with my boss. At the time, while I was working,unkown to me, the girl crept across the office in her bra, pants and stockings. Everyone had their camera ready when she surprised me.

2: This week, one of the top managers in the company surprised me by telling me that he found that I wrote this Journal by seeing me on another site!

Now it's over to you....

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Halloween Party Planning

The senior staff and I are assembled in my Reay Room to discuss an important event.

It is not a Conference, or a Treaty between to warring Empires.

It's the Enterprise Halloween Party.

"Good." comments Riker, "A chance for us all to dress up in scary outfits and terrify each other for a while."

"So Halloween has come round again." observes Seven, "If people are supposed to dress up in scary costumes, I fail to see why I wasn't given one to wear last year."

A giggle runs round, with Jadzia finding it hard to keep a straight face.

After thinking for a moment, I answer her.

"Err..well, Seven." I say, "We thought it might be demeaning for a Borg drone to be wearing such a costume."

She thinks, and considers my reply.

"You are right, Locutus." she answers, "A Borg drone would not wear such trivial outfits. The Borg race are superior."

"Now that we've got that sorted out." I say, "What theme will the Halloween Party be this year? We need to program the holodeck into a suitable location."

"Our Halloween parties in the Terran Empire mirror universe were far scarier." T'Pol announces, "We used to play 'Oxygen' as one of the party games.

"How was that played, T'Pol." asks Deanna, "We might want to play that here."

Somehow, I doubt it.

"We all took turns in the airlock" T'Pol answers, "The oxygen supply was cut off, and we had to try and last as long as we could without air. Naturally, some weaklings didn't make it. It was convenient, as we just opened the other side of the airlock and...."

"I don't think we want to play 'Oxygen', T'Pol." I quickly tell her, "Now what sort of location are we going to have for our Halloween?"

"A castle?" Geordi suggests.

"We've already had that!" answers another.

"I always thought that 'The Phantom Of The Opera' was scary." Deanna comments.

"Yes." Ro Laren replies, "I never liked that Andrew Lloyd Webber."

"Not that!" Deanna answers, "I don't mean the musical, but the others with the creepy sewers under the Paris Opera House."

"We could have a maze of passages in the holodeck, where we go to find the crazed Phantom and Christine...and have the party there."

"Very imaginative, Number One." I say, "Who will be the crazed Phantom?"

I add a discreet cough.

"Well I can play the organ pretty well." says Riker, "Deanna looks just how Christina would be."

He can't take a hint. I had Bev and myself lined up in that. Still, I accept it.

"Very well, Number One." I say, "Practice on your organ playing, and get a mask for your face."

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Karena & Starfleet Academy (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

Gee, I'll never understand women.

Karena walks out in a huff about the Academy rule of being unable to marry, then after she hears that her mother, Queen Diana of Wondawowman wants to talk to her on the video monitor Karena rushes in. She locks the door, because as a man, I'm not worthy of listening to discussions between Amazons.

Shortly after, the door opens, and Karena has a bright smile on her face. I sense trouble here.

"Darling Wesley!" she exclaims, "My mother has found a way of us getting to marry very early!"
My heart sinks.

"The Queen has pressurised the Academy Officials " Karena continues, "They say that if we can fasttrack our studies, we can take the exam early, graduate, and then marry. Isn't that wonderful, pumpkin?"

I feel faint.

"Err..yeah." I reply, "It certainly is, honeybunch."

While Karena goes waltzing off, singing 'I'm Getting Married In The Morning.' and 'Chapel Of Love.', I run to the videoviewer to call Mom on the Enterprise.

"I've got big problems, Mom!" I exclaim, "Karena and her mother have found a way to beat that rule that you and Captain Picard set up."

"Careful, Wes" she replies, "You don't want Karena to overhear that. You life won't be worth a used up dilithium crystal if she attacks you with that spear."

I then tell Mom all what Queen Diana has done.

"This is tricky." Mom says after thinking, "You will have to take the Starfleet Exam. If you fail, you will be set back in your studies. If you succeed, you will be an Ensign...but married to Karena and be her Life Servant."

"What can you do, Mom?" I plead.

"Well, I can urge that the Exam be set to early next year so that the two of you can study for your exams."

"But honeybunch and I...I mean Karena and I will eventually get married." I reply.

Mom looks at me closely, as if she has just caught my hand in the cookie jar.

"Are you SURE you don't love Karena, Wes?" she asks, "You have a pet name for her, and couples only do that when they are in love. I think you love Karena, but can't bring yourself to admit it."

I go very red faced. Is Mom right. Do I love Karena after all?

"I'll leave you to think about it." Mom says, "I'll get the Exams put to early next year."

I think about what Mom says as I leave the videoviewer room. Karena approaches and smiles warmly, her figure is curvy. The amazon puts her spear down and starts to kiss me, but I kiss her first.

Mom is right. I DO love Karena.

"Oh, honeybunch." I exclaim.

"Oh, pumpkin!" she replies.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Karena & Starfleet Academy (Part One)

Guest Poster: Karena

I must admit, I am getting very annoyed. One does not want to be around when an amazon from the planet Wondawowman gets annoyed, believe me.

While I've been at Starfleet Academy as a Cadet, I have fallen in love with Wesley Crusher, who has been my servant since I arrived, The lecturers told him he should help me start here. Since then, I have chosen him for my Life Servant. I have got engaged with Wesley and plan to marry him, so that he may serve me throughout our lives.

I think something has been blocking my happiness. The Academy officials say that we cannot marry until we both graduate from there. I had never heard this rule before, and suspect it has been made up. Possibly even by Wesley's mother, Beverly, or Captain Picard.

My mother, Queen Diana is pressurising the officials to let us get married. After all, it was her financing that got the 'women only' lecture hall built. Armed guards prevent men entering.

"I still say your mother or the Captain stopped us getting married!" I tell Wesley, as he irons my clothes. He looks guity. It's not a sign to read easily, as he always looks like that.

"No, honeybunch." he replies to me, "Just be patient. We don't need to get married in a hurry. If we love each other, we can wait until later."

I go off in a huff. Wesley always says that to me. It's like hearing one of those old vinyl Earth records of the 20th Century where the needle gets stuck. Except it's not so repetitive as Wesley.

Going through the grounds, I come across Boothby the gardener. I tell him my problem.

"I've heard it all before, Missy." comments Boothby, "Young lovestruck women see the Cadet of their dreams and get blinded by reality."

"But I love him, Mr Boothby!" I cry to him. This is most unseemly. An amazon should not be crying, especially in front of a man.

"Don't worry, Missy." smiles Boothby, "I won't tell anyone you cried in front of me. I know you Amazons need to keep a tough image. Listen. Just keep prodding him with that spear of yours, and the officials. They'll come round."

I head back to my quarters, feeling a little better.

Weasel Wanda, the Academy snoop comes to me.

"I've heard your mother, Queen Diana, has just called on the video screen." she says, "She asks you to call back right away."

I wonder what she wants?

To be continued...

But before you go,

Serina Hope has sent a meme asking a group of people what is on their desktop. Here's mine.... a lovely picture of Nicole Kidman

Saturday, October 06, 2007

TWQ: Three Things In Seven Days

TWQ (The Weekend Question) is now asking you to look on the last seven days to see what happened.

Can you name three (or more) incidents that happened to you in the last seven days. Remember that if you want to, list as many as you like.

My answers are:

1: On Wednesday night, I sat in the dark. The electricity had gone from the house, caused by a faulty meter. A new one was installed on Thursday lunchtime.

2: On Tuesday, I was informed that a colleague who had worked in a former section of mine for about eight years had passed away after a long illness. Many of us, including those who have since left the company, will be attending his funeral next Friday.

3: On Monday, while having a bad migraine, I had to try and digest all that a computer engineer was telling me at the office about a data migration and how it worked now it was on XP!

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Back On The Enterprise

It's good to be back on the Enterprise.

After the recent events, where I have been locked up and put on trial, there were times when I thought I'd never be sitting in the captain's chair again.

Looking in the logmemo, I can see that Riker has put in an order to Starfleet for two dozen donut machines to be installed around the ship.

Well, I think that request can get lost into cyberspace. Sometimes I think he did not reckon my chances of being set free were that high. He also put an order in for a captain's chair that was more his size.

Ah well, another one for the cyber wastebin!

Bev enters.

"It's good to see you here again, Jean-Luc." she says, and gives me a kiss.

"It's just as good to see you here, Bev." I reply, and reciprocate her kiss, holding her gently. A discreet cough is heard in the distance.

It's Worf.

"Sorry to interrupt, Captain." he says, "Here are the latest security reports that you asked for."

Worf leaves as Bev and I straighten our clothing.

"Klingons have no sense of timing or tact." I tell her.

"Never mind, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me calmly, "We can go on a date tonight. The Enterprise cinema is premiering Die Hard 42 tonight. It's the one where terrorists break into the Old Actor's Home, and John Maclaine has to free the hostages with his zimmer frame."

"It sounds good, Bev." I reply, but let's sit away from they others. Riker & Deanna never watch the movie, Worf is always complaining to Jadzia that events on the film would not happen in a Klingon movie, Trisha Lewis is always asking Geordi to stop watching the movie and kiss her, Jennifer Baxter is having to explain the story to Data, Seven keeps telling Reg Barcley that resistance is futile and T'Pol and Ensign Britney are always cheering for the bad guys."

"Aren't either of them in the brig?" Bev asks.

"Not right now." I answer, "But they will be if they start throwing popcorn at the other cinemagoers, use their Com badges to talk or put their feet upon the seats in front of them."

"That's a little harsh, Jean-Luc."

"You wouldn't think so if you had Britney's Doc Martin boots lying on your collar, like I did last time."

"I guess you're right." agrees Beverly, "Incidentally, have you installed the holo-emitters in the cinema?"

"Yes." I reply, "They are throughout the ship."

"That's good." Bev tells me, "I know Guinan wants to take Vic Fontaine on a date. During the intermission, they plan on selling drinks and ice cream."

I sigh, and kiss Beverly again. "See you at the cinema."


Several hours later, I exit the cinema with Beverly, popcorn falling from my collar and boot impressions on my neck. I talk to Worf.

"Get the brig ready, Mr Worf." I tell him, "T'Pol and Ensign Britney are going in...again."

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Borg Queen Message To Seven Of Nine

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

Hello Seven,

How are you? I trust you are keeping well on the USS Enterprise.

I must admit I've missed you here on the Unimatrix 01 Cube. You know you were always my favourite drone, despite the fact that the male drones did tend to drool over you. When it was Christmas time, you always tended to get more kisses under the mistletoe than I did.

Never mind; I'm losing track.

I'm sorry that The Strolling Drones won't be able to come and attend the Enterprise Party like they did last year. I'm sure Locutus would have wanted them to, and for drones to act as waiters. As I said, they are all booked for Varga VII for the planet's assimilation celebrations.

I understand Locutus has been in some bother recently; firstly going on robberies, then on trial. Fortunately everything is sorted out now. I had considered bringing him on board the Cube to find out what is going on. A little reassimilation might have sorted things.

Locutus doesn't know, but he won the Drone Of The Year Award when he was with us. Perhaps I ought to present him with it sometime? The trouble is, I can't see him appreciating it very well.

Now Seven, I need to ask you something. This is a serious matter. Have any drones been asking about a place called Unimatrix Zero? If they have, I need you to tell me. Don't get in a panic. This is just a little irritant I have to tidy up. It's a place we can't let drones go to, as it's wicked and subversive. I know you wouldn't be in something like that. We've got to get together and eliminate all the drones that go there.

Recently, we assimilated a couple of interior designers. They thought the state of the Cube was an absolute mess. Nothing matched, and the Feng Shui was hopeless. They are redecorating the Cube so that everything is just right, with colour coordination and design. If it all works out, I'll get them to do all the Cubes. If it looks a disaster, I'll have them disconnected.

I'll have to sign off for now, Seven. One of the drones need oiling.

Look after yourself,

The Borg Queen