Thursday, August 30, 2007

Bowling Tournament (Part Two)

The Enterprise Bowling Tournament is about to start, with a few last-minute changes to my team.

With Jadzia off injured, and Worf treating her, my team is two short. The rules prevent her being treated right away before a match.

It's no great loss, as Jadzia is such an awful player.

Still, I've had to recruit two players who have never been in the Tournament before; T'Pol and Seven Of Nine.

I expect a lot of crowing from Riker's team, consisting of him, Deanna, Data and Ro Laren.

Bev and I with two inexperienced players against four top bowlers.

Why don't we just give them the cup now.

"It appears that your chances of success are limited, Captain." Data informs me. Is this his android way of telling me something. It's a good job his emotion chip is switched off.

Riker goes first.

"STTT-RIKE!!!!" he shouts, and high fives everyone in the team. Data willingly complies. I think he's turned that emotion chip on.

I bowl a modest delivery, then Data gets a strike, as expected, which he celebrates enthusiastically.

Beverly manages to get a strike, though, and the two of us high-five as well. Bev then high-fives T'Pol and Seven, who seems a little confused by it all.

"You all have a strange way of celebrating, Locutus." she observes.

Now it is T'Pol's turn.

She strides up, looks at the bowl as if it's her worst enemy...then delivers it perfectly.

"STTT-RIKE!!!! I believe, Captain Picard." she says with an air of triumph, while looking at Riker's team, who are amazed."

"How did you learn to do that, T'Pol?" I ask.

"Why did you assume that bowling did not take place in the Terran Empire?" she replies, "I was the top player there."

After Ro Laren delivers an adequate bowl, Seven comes forward.

She holds the ball and delivers a perfect strike.

"STTT-RIKE!!!! is the response you humans give." she remarks, "Before you ask, Locutus, the Borg have assimilated many top bowling players over the galaxy. As a result, we have our own inter-Cube bowling matches. I was the top player in the Unimatrix 01 Cube team. Had you bothered to ask, you would have been aware."

Over the rest of the match, we thrash Riker's team and get the trophy.

"Well done, Beverly, T'Pol and Seven." I say to my team.

"We were indeed the best." comments Seven, "Resistance was futile."

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Bowling Tournament (Part One)

I never like it when the annual Enterprise Bowling Tournament comes round.

Riker's side always beats us easily.

His side has Data in it; with his programming, he always gets a strike, and with that, they have an advantage. Deanna, another member of his side is pretty good as well.. Ro Laren is sharp also.

As for us, well, the talent is much to be desired. Jadzia Dax is hopeless at it. Whenever she delivers a bowl, it either ends up in the side lane or goes leaping off into the adjacent one. Worf isn't a good one to have either. His short temper means he throws the machine far to heavily, which usually means he smashes the skittles or the bowl itself when it hits the wall behind.

Beverly is pretty good, and is our best player. I'm fairly average, but it's not good enough to beat Riker's team, who always come back holding the cup and wearing smirks.

We have substitutes of course; Geordi is on mine and Guinan is on Riker's. No wonder we are useless.


T'Pol and Seven march up to me.

"Locutus." says Seven, "I should play in this bowling tournament. It would be good experience for me as a Borg drone."

"So should I!" demands T'Pol, "In the Terran Empire, I.."

"T'Pol and Seven." I say to them sharply, "Neither of you are capable of playing in a ten-pin bowling tournament. You have both been bought up in environments that have no previous history of this sport."

"You will lose as always, Locutus." Seven tells me, and the two of them march off.


As the tournament arrives, we gather at the holodeck. Jadzia hasn't turned up yet. Beverly comes to me.

"I've just taken Jadzia to the SickBay. She has injured her bowling arm during judo practice with Worf. She should be here in a moment after she treated. Worf is with her"

Riker overhears and steps forward.

"In the rules, a player cannot be treated before a match." he says "You must play your substitute."

"We are two players short." I protest, "As Worf is looking after Jadzia."

"I guess you have a problem, Captain." Riker answers with his familiar smirk, "Do you want to give us the cup now."

"Not so fast, Number One." I tell him, and turn to T'Pol and Seven, "Would you two care to be in my team?"

The two look at each other.

"Very well, Captain Picard." says T'Pol with some smugness.

"These two!" laughs Riker, "We'll win by an even larger margin than ever!"

We step into the holodeck, which displays a typical ten pin bowling area.

"Let's play!" I announce.

To be continued....

Authors Note:

Curmudgeon has kindly send me this Award:

Thaks so much for this; it is greatly appreciated!

I've also had the following meme from Novy

The idea is to list one fact that is relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. Here we go:

P: Precise. Yes I'm a very exact person and like to get everything just right.

A: Amiable. I like to think I am, particularly with those I consider my friends.

U: Understanding. I try to listen to the problems my friend have and understand what they are going through.

L: Loving. I like to think I am to those I care about.

I'm supposed to pass this meme on to thers, but I won't do that.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Anger Management Course

Guest Poster: Worf

As a result of my hitting a diplomat when he remarked that 'Klingons weren't that tough', I have been instructed by Captain Picard to attend an Anger Management course.

There are a group of us in the room. Most of them seem either lazy or scruffy. All or slouched in their seats. That includes the females.

Our class instructor enters.

"Good morning, class." he says, "I am Claude, and I'm here to get you to release all that pent-up agression within yourselves so that you can emerge as better people."

The is a murmuring of disapproval around the class.

"Now the first thing I want you to do is hug the person to the left of you, tell them your name, and that you love them."

Some of the women and men start hugging each other, but it soon develops into kissing. Claude breaks them up.

"That is a little over-friendly." he comments."

"I am a warrior of the Klingon Empire." I tell him, "Klingons do not hug people and tell them that they love them."

"Now that's the sort of negative attitude we don't want here, Mr Worf." replies Claude, "Look, the person next to you can't wait to hug you."

"Let him hug you instead!" I retort sharply.

"Mmm, it looks like we are going to have a problem with you, Mr Worf." Claude continues, "Shall we all hug him, class, to show that Mr Worf is amongst friends?"

The class mumble again. They know they are skating on thin ice if they proceed further.

"Look, boss." says Jed, one of the toughest in the class to Claude, "Just let us get out of here, otherwise it'll be curtains for you."

Most of the class agree. I stand up, walk over to Jed, take Kayla, the girl who is sitting on his knee away and warn him.

"Though I should not be in this Anger Management class." I tell him, "You will listen to the instructor, as you clearly need to learn some discipline. If you do not, you shall face some Klingon anger, which I can assure you, would not be very pleasant."

There is silence throughout the class; Claude then walks up to me.

"Thank you, Mr Worf." he says quietly, "For that, I shall hug you."

"That is inadvisable." I reply, "Otherwise you may face being tipped upside down in the waste bin."

"Err, very well." Claude answers, "How about if I give you a diploma saying you passed your Anger Management Course?"

"That would be most satisfactory." I tell him with a slight Klingon smile.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

TWQ: Economy Films

For the TWQ (The Weekend Question), we look at what films would be titled if they had a lesser budget.

Can you list what some film titles would be if they had been made on a very tight budget? Name as many as you like.

My answers are:

One Dalmation
Harry Potter & The Philosopher's Pebble
Star War II: Attack Of The Clone.
The Fairly Ordinary Two (from The Magnificent Seven)
Happy Foot

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Beverly & Queen Diana (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

The Enterprise has now arrived at Wondawowman, and I have a job to do.

We are here so that I can talk with Queen Diana about the impending marriage between her daughter Karena and my son, Wes. He wants to slow it down so that they have a long engagement, but Karena and her mother are anxious to rush it through. I've got to persuade the Queen to change her mind.

The attempt to do so a couple of days ago ended in disaster when we tried to make Karena believe that Wes was in love with Ro Laren.


Wes, Karena, Deanna and myself beam down to greet the Queen. Normally, Jean-Luc would go, but Diana does not recognise men in authority. Wes is going because he is the fiance of her daughter.

"Greetings, daughter." says Diana to Karena, "It is a pleasure you see you, as it is your future Life Servant. Hello, Wesley."

Wesley says hello, and the Queen turns to me.

"Ah, Beverly." she says, "As you are the mother of the Life Servant, we have much to discuss. Come with me."

I am about to start talking, but Queen Diana has already started walking to her palace. I have to chase after her.


A few moments later, I manage to catch up with her, and we sit in the ornate room, with male servants leaving as we enter. Unsurprisingly, there are paintings of amazonians in various triumphal poses.

The Queen's other daughter, Nexa, is standing in the corner. Nexa is a bad one; she always has evil designs on Wes.

"You may leave us now, Nexa." says the Queen to her.

Nexa looks angrily.

"But I'm family!" she shouts, "I want to put my point of view. Why should Wesley get Karena? He should have me!"

"This marriage is not your concern, Nexa!" replies Diana angrily.

In response to this, she storms off and slams the door, like a little girl who has been told to go to her room.

"Now then, Beverly." starts the Queen, "We have to decide upon a marriage date, and what things will be required for this most Glorious Day."

"Er, yes, your Majesty." I start, "Although I was thinking that this wedding might be a little err..hasty."

"Nonsense." she replies sharply, "Now I think the flowers that we order should be in the colours of the Wondawowman flag."

"That is good, your Majesty." I say, "But do you think the couple would like a long engagement rather than jumping into a marriage right away?"

"No." the Queen states flatly.

This discussion isn't getting anywhere. I'll have to try a new tack.

"Ermm...the Academy have got very firm about Cadets marrying each other." I start, "They prefer to see them graduate first before that happens. As both Wesley and Karena are in the Academy, they wouldn't allow it to happen."

"I've never heard this rule before." replies the Queen, "I'm sure they would bend the rule for me."

"I'm afraid they won't." I tell her, "If they did, others would want it as well."

"That is unfortunate." concedes the Queen, after some consideration, "It sadly looks as if their engagement will have to go on for some time yet."

I breathe a sigh of relief and leave her presence, going back to Jean-Luc.

"How did you do, Bev?" he asks.

"Very well." I reply, "I never knew I was so good at lying through my teeth. You'll have to send a priority call to Starfleet Academy, asking them to install a new directive regarding Cadets getting married right away!"

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Beverly & Queen Diana (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

Gee, things do seem to be in a fix!

Captain Picard has suggested that we tell Karena, my fiancee, that another girl has fallen for me. It might slow down the marriage, as Karena and her mother, Queen Diana are anxious to rush it through.

The Enterprise is on it's way to Wondawowman, where Mom can talk to the Queen about the marriage.

We have thought about using Ensign Ro Laren as the girl who has fallen for me.


Mom, the Captain and myself are talking to Ro. She is looking worried.

"This sounds all very dangerous." she says, "I don't like the look of that spear Karena has. She will accuse me of stealing her fiance."

"You don't have to be amorous to Wes." says Mom, "Just tell her like that you care for him deeply, and would like him to give you a chance before he marries Karena."

"That sounds VERY risky." Ro comments, "I can see that spear coming through me within seconds of me saying that. However, a Bajoran is always a risk taker, so I'll do it."

"Thanks, Ro!" I say, and give her a peck on the cheek.

"Careful!" Ro exclaims, "If Karena had seen that, we would have been in the soup!"


Ten minutes later, we are setting it all up. I am walking to Ten Forward with Karena when Ro approaches me.

"Hello, Wes, hello Karena." Ro starts nervously, looking at the spear, " may not know me, Karena, but I'm Ro Laren, and I care a lot about Wes."

"Oh yes?" Karena replies aggressively.

"Err...yes." continues Ro, "So much so, I asked him to be with me instead of yourself. I said that the wedding may be too rushed, when he ought to know there are women like me who admire him as well."

"I see." Karena answers, with her hand firmly gripped around her spear.

I'm getting nervous. Mom is probably standing by in case I have to beam Ro to SickBay.

Karena turns me.

"I was unaware, Wes." she tells me, "That you had followed our planet's pre-wedding rituals so closely."

Now I'm confused; I hear her say more.

"As you know, the Life Servant-to-be must present to his bride-to-be with the woman who he has turned down in order to be with her. I'm so happy, Wes, that you have turned down this woman to be my Life Servant."

Karena hugs and kisses me, then turns to Ro.

"Thank you, Ro Laren." as she hugs her, "You have played your part well in this tradition."

Ro looks baffled, thanks Karena, smiles at me, and leaves.

"Well, darling Wes," Karena says, "We are almost at Wondawowman; there our mothers can discuss the wedding arrangements."

I don't think things worked out as planned.

To be continued...

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Beverly & Queen Diana (Part One)

The Enterprise is on it's way to the amazonian planet of Wondawowman.

We have Wesley Crusher on board and his fiancee Karena. His mother Beverly is going to have a talk with her mother Queen Diana about the impending marriage that Wes seems to have got himself locked into.

Honestly. You would think we were running a marriage agency, not explorers on an interplanetary vessel. If we come across aliens wanting our help, you can be sure that Karena would say something like, "Ignore them. My marriage is more important."

Bev approaches me quietly.

"Jean-Luc." she says, "I'm really worried about this meeting and the proposed marriage. Karena will order Wes around as she is an Amazonian and he will be her Life Servant. Wes won't be happy at all."

"I understand what you are saying, Bev." I reply, although I'd be glad to get Wes out of the way, "As Wondawowman is a matriachal society, perhaps you can persuade the Queen that he is not the right person for her daughter, or at least have a very long engagement?"

Bev considers this.

"That won't be easy" she continues, "As both mother and daughter are set in their ways, it will be tough to persuade them.

After she walks away, Wes approaches me.

"Hi Captain!" he chirrups in that overly cheerful voice of his, "I'm glad to be on the Enterprise again."

"Yes." reply glumly, as usually when he is on, the ship needs saving, and he manages to do it at the last second. If it wasn't for him, it probably wouldn't need saving.

"Hey, Wes!" says Geordi, "As he walks past us, "Are you looking forward to seeing your future mother-in-law? Getting married soon, are you?

"Err..maybe soon, Geordi." replies Wes, somewhat hesitatingly.

"Are you alright about the marriage plans, Wes?" I ask

"Well, Captain." he says hesitatingly, "It worries me. Karena is very forceful. Though she's a lovely girl, she does tell me what to do a lot. Maybe she'll mellow after a while?"

"It's a lot to hope for Wes." I say, "Perhaps you could tell her you're not sure about it yet?"

"She'd lacerate me with a spear if I said that." he replies.

"What if you told her that another girl has fallen for you?" I ask, "That could slow the marriage plans. While you have a long engagement, you and Karena may well fall in love."

Wesley thinks.

"Who do you have in mind." he asks.

"How about Ensign Ro Laren?"

To be continued...

Saturday, August 18, 2007

TWQ: Favourite TV Episodes

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about the best episodes of a tv series you've seen.

Can you tell what are your favourite episodes of any tv series? List as many as you like. Say why the are the best.

My answers are:

Star Trek TNG: "The Inner Light" A classic story, with Picard living 40 years in 20 minutes

Enterprise: "In A Mirror Darkly, Parts I & II". Set in the mirroe universe, this is a unique story.

Stargate SG1: "Unending." This final episode was an excellent homage to the series.

Only Fools & Horses: "The Jolly Boys Outing." This feature length edition of the British comedy series show all the characters at their peak.

Steptoe & Son: "Any Old Iron." This black & white edition from the late sixties of the British comedy series is hilarious.

The Phil Silvers Show: This edition, where Bilko and his troop think they are in a singing contest, but are actually in a scientific booth to test the effect of killer bees is too funny to describe.

Now it's over to you...

But before you go...

Author's note:

As mentioned in the previous post, you can see an interview with myself at Blog Interviewer.Com While you are there, you can vote for your favourite blog for the month (cough, cough!)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

The Bugs

As we cruise through space, Deanna comes running on to the Bridge, screaming.

"Help." she says frantically, "I've been attacked by bugs."

"Mr Data." I tell him immediately, "Have any spaceships been seen in the area?"

"No, Captain." he replies, "They may be using a cloaking device of some sort. The Counselor is lucky to get away from hostile aliens."

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"Captain!" Deanna says with exasperation, "They are not aliens, but just plain bugs on the ship. They were all over the floor in my quarters, and even more in the corridors on the way here."

"Of course." continues Data, still with his alien invader chip still running, "They could be attempting to communicate with us. We may have a First Contact situation, Captain."

"Listen, Data." I tell him with a sigh, "They are bugs, plain and simple. The ship needs to be fumigated."

Data mumbles something about lifeforms and contacts the nearest starbase with a fumigator.


At Starbase 14, a figure beams over.

"Hello." I tell him, "Thank you for coming. I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard. I'll take you through the ship."

"Hmmhhmhh" replies the figure, "Heffeessalawww."

"Sorry?" I ask, "I didn't hear what you said."

"Sirrrdassssa" he answers. The uniform is clearly to thick to hear anything with.

The figure is carrying a giant can on his back, plus a spray gun attached it. Suddenly I see the problem.

"Everyone will evacuate to the escape pods and remain there until the fumigation is over." I announce over the intercom.

I see the figure spraying away as he walks through the corridors. crewmen, running towards the escape pods cough as they go past.

An hour later, as I sit in the escape pod, I get a tap on the window.

"Mmmwehana" he says.

"I still can't hear you." I reply.

The figure takes off his hood. I can see that it's Sid, the man we always seem to get to fix problems on the ship. He has such a 20th century view of things.

"The bugs have gone, now, mate." he tells me, "This industrial strength bug remover will ensure they don't come back for a long time. You must have beamed a few up on one of your Away missions."

"Is the spray safe, Sid." I ask.

"Not if you're a bug, mate." he replies, "Har, har, har! Well it might give you a few orange blotches for a day or so, but aside from that, it's harmless."

Why is it Sid's sense of humour and style scares me so much?


Author's note:

You can see an interview with myself at Blog Interviewer.Com While you are there, you can vote for your favourite blog for the month (cough, cough!)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Life In Unimatrix Zero

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

Things are going pretty well here at Unimatrix Zero.

The place is an idyllic realm where Borg who possess the recessive gene can subconsiously go when the drones are regenerating in their alcoves. Naturally, the drones have no memory of it all when they wake up.

Seven Of Nine would blow a circuit if she knew that me, her true self, exists in this place. The Borg Queen wouldn't be too happy about it, either. Though she hunts those who have them, she has no idea that one of her favourite drones, whom she placed on the Enterprise has time off here!

That always makes me smile.

I must admit, though, I'm getting tired of Axum, my lover for a while. He is always preaching about how it will all end, soon, and the Borg Queen will get us all. He's a right scaremongerer and party pooper. Let's enjoy it all.

I've been doing that since I was a little girl and captured on the USS Raven.

However, the tone of the Unimatrix Zero neighbourhood has gone down somewhat, lately. A family of recently assimilated Klingons have moved in. They are SO noisy. All night long they sing of Klingon victory songs and tell of old battles. When I go round to complain, I get an earful of Klingon profanity and abuse.

I'll be glad when some more humans are assimilated.

I've told Axum I want to move to a quieter neighbourhood, but he is all 'community, harmony and friendship'. I don't mind that as well, but I haven't slept in two days because of the noise. I must know every Klingon battle song there is by now.

Axum also tells me he can't move now because the local golf club is considering him for membership. he says he has been on the waiting list for five years, and that if we move now, he will have lost his chance.

Incidentally, I hate golf. If any dishy male humans get assimilated, Axum will be out. Actually, I think he'll be out anyway!

In the Unimatrix Zero Women's Institute, I managed to get First Prize with my Upside Down Cake. Naturally, Axum wanted a slice of it, but was quite put out when he found that me and the girls had already scoffed it!

Serves him right for going out for golfing practice.

I must admit, though, I am getting suspicious; Axum's afternoons at golfing practice seem to coincide with the times that the female Bajoran Vi Toran goes on her trips to the local stream.

His golf isn't getting better, but he does return with a smile.

Ah, well; it's time to get the earplugs out. I can hear another Klingon song about to start.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Union Trouble

Today will be a good day to have a few stress pills.

'Red' Arthur Smith is visiting us.

For those unaware, he is a firebrand union official who is checking up on us, and on alleged reports that the ship is not conforming to unuin specifications.

Why Starfleet have put up with him is beyond me; it seems the slightest mishap, and 'Red' Arthur swoops down like a crow to cause trouble.

There are even rumours that he has named his son Lenin.


Arthur beams on and immediately starts looking around.

He has a lackey with him writing down everything Arthur says.

"Welcome Mr Smith and er...?" I start, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard."

"Hello." says the lackey, "I'm George Wilson and..."

"Don't talk to the Management, Brother Wilson!" snaps Arthur, "We only do that as a last resort, or to announce when the members shall be withdrawing their labour."

"I assure you there won't be any trouble here." I say, "We are all prepared to co-operate, aren't we, Number One?"

Riker nods his head.

"I can see that you've told your underlings what to say." Arthur replies, "That's in contravention to Article 4, Subsection C, Paragraph 5."

"Of course it is." I reply, airily, "Shall we go to my Ready Room to discuss matters?"

"I see." comments Arthur, turning to George, "You see what Management want, Brother Wilson, they want to interrogate me on their own ground. No, Picard, I prefer to go where our members are. There you will be on your own."

"Will Ten Forward be all right?" I suggest. He agrees.


When we get there, George hands him a list.

"Now then, Picard." I tells me, "There are a number of issues that have been bought to my attention. Namely the bringing in of foreign labour, instead of using Starfleet-trained personel."

"I'm sorry, Mr Smith, I don't quite understand."

"They always say that, Brother Wilson, don't they?" Arthur says to his colleague, who nods his head profusely.

Arthur sighs, and tries to explain it to me as if I am a young boy struggling to lean how to tell the time.

"There are two examples of imported foreign labour on board this Starship, Picard." he continues with disdain, "Namely two females."

"Go on."

"One of them comes from a mirror universe and lived 200 years ago." Arthur says, "She is a Vulcan by the name of T'Pol. For those two reasons, she doesn't belong here. Send her back!"

"The Terran Empire would be very hostile to someone who came from their past." I tell him, "She is safer here, so let's say she has asylum."

Arthur grumbles and looks at the next item on the list.

"Ah yes." he continues, "The other foreign labour worker is a Borg drone. She is not affliated with Starfleet, nor is a member of the Federation. Good, honest Starfleet personel are being denied the chance to work on the Enterprise because of her. She must be removed!"

"It's because of her we're still alive!" I reply, "The Borg Queen would have assimilated us some time ago had we not agreed to take her on board so that she could study human behaviour."

Red Arthur looks disgusted.

"This is not acceptable." he starts in his oration, "The union Brothers and Sisters cannot be held to ransom by a despotic Bor..."

Seven Of Nine walks in.

"Hello Locutus." she says, "Who are these people?"

"They are union people, Seven." I tell her, "They wish to remove you from the ship as they claim you are denying work to others."

Seven looks at them with intense anger, particularly Arthur.

"I shall report this matter to The Borg Queen." she says with venom, "You can be sure that you will both be assimilated immediately, and given the lowest drone positions on the Cube."

Arthur and George look panic stricken.

"Now, young lady." replies Arthur in a conciliatatory manner, "Let's not be hasty. I'm sure we can sort things out. After all, your presence is to the benefit of our union members. They are not being turned into drones."

"...For the moment.." Seven adds in a dry manner.

Arthur and George get up to leave.

"I think that's all we need to see you about, Picard." Arthur says quickly as he heads for the door, nervously looking at Seven.

"Were there not other matters?" I ask.

"NO!" they both shout loudly and run out.

"Thank you, Seven." I say to her.

She looks puzzled.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

TWQ: Better Or Worse?

We all talk of 'the good old days' but were they really? In some cases, they may not have been. as TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks this week.

Can you name some things that were better in the past, and also some improvements in today's way of life? List as many as you like.

My answers are:

Better in the Past:

Education: Children were taught without the aid of calculators and could do it all in their head. Now they are unable to do so. Exams were a lot tougher. TRhey have to be easier now, otherwise no one would pass them.

Sportsmanship: Everybody was more sporting; now it's just about money.

Better Now:

Communication: People can call each other via a cell phone or contact each other by e mail around the world.

Home entertainment: People have DVDs with crisp sound and sharp pictures. They can see the films when they like and not on the tv laced with adverts.

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Seven Of Nine Dates Reg Barclay (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Reg Barclay

What did I let myself in for?

Seven Of Nine has ordered that she and I go on a d-date at The Sands holographic nightglub so that she can start a relationship and learn about human behaviour.

I-I was so t-taken by surprise I could not say no; as the date is tonight, I'm p-panic stricken.

I talk to Deanna. She is always a good person who can help me.

"You do have a problem, Reg." she says, "Why don't you just be yourself? I'll admit that Seven isn't your average woman, but she is a human under all those implants."

"I s-see what you mean, Deanna." I reply.

"Just compliment her, Reg." she continues, "Don't think she might assimilate you when when the night is over."

This makes me even more terrified. Deanna tells me not to worry, and I leave her office.

I'm sure I heard the sound of Betazoid laughter after I closed the door.


A few hours later, I show up at Seven's door with a bunch of flowers. She opens the door.

"Hello Reg Barclay." she states firmly, "What are these flowers for?"

"T-They're for you, S-Seven." I say hesitantly, "A man likes to give a woman flowers, especially on a first date."

This provokes some anger from her.

"I am not a woman, but a member of the Borg." she dictates, "The Borg are supreme."

"Y-y-yes" I reply, "But you are learning about human behaviour."

Seven considers this.

"You are correct, Reg Barclay." she says, "Thank you for flowers,"

"Y-you're welcome, Seven." I tell her, "You look very err.... pretty tonight."


We make our way to The Sands, where the hologram Vic Fontaine is playing a set tonight. Everybody stares at us in amazement.

"Stop staring at us, or you will be assimilated!" Seven tells them.

I must admit, I smiled to myself about this one.

Vic Fontaine sings a couple of numbers and comes over to us.

"Hi, lovebirds" he says to us, "It's always a pleasure to see romantic couples here at The Sands."
I go bright red, and Seven stands up.

"We are only on our first date." she tells Vic "We are not yet 'lovebirds' as you call it."

"Whoa!" he replies, "I'm sure you two just need a song to get you started."

He signals the band, and they play 'Strangers In The Night.'

Strangers in the night exchanging glances
Wondring in the night
What were the chances wed be sharing love
Before the night was through.

Something in your eyes was so inviting,
Something in you smile was so exciting,
Something in my heart,
Told me I must have you.

Strangers in the night, two lonely people
We were strangers in the night
Up to the moment
When we said our first hello.
Little did we know
Love was just a glance away,
A warm embracing dance away and -

Ever since that night weve been together.
Lovers at first sight, in love forever.
It turned out so right,
For strangers in the night.


Later, Seven gets up to leave with me.

"This has been a satisfactory date, Reg Barclay." she tells me, "We shall have to decide where to go for our second date."

I start to look panic stricken.

"Err..w-well, S-Seven." I tell her, "Maybe we w-will someday when we've g-got the t-time."

"We shall make the time." Seven replies, "Incidentally, when I mentioned to Commander Riker about our date, he started talking in baseball terminology about first base and second base. Do you know what he meant?"

I panic again.

"I-I really h-have n-no idea." I manage to reply.

Seven kisses me, her eye implant almost poking my eye out.

"Goodnight, Reg Barclay." she says.

I stagger to my quarters and manage to get to bed before I pass out.

Monday, August 06, 2007

Seven Of Nine Dates Reg Barclay (Part One)

Guest Poster: Seven Of Nine

The Borg Queen has instructed that in my learning of human behaviour I must interact with them more, rather than being a separate being on the ship.

"You must have a relationship with one of them." she tells me, "In order to truly understand human knowledge and how weak they are."

This was somewhat difficult, as I encounter a reluctance to go on what humans call 'a date'.

Naturally, I tried Locutus first, but Crusher soon strode in, telling me she would undo every nut and bolt of my body if I came near the Captain again.

She's already down for the front of the Assimilation Chamber queue.

I encounter a similar hostility from others. Data sounded the most interesting. With his positronic brain and cybernetic construction, he would be a perfect match in a Borg Dating Agency.

Jennifer Baxter soon strode up to me.

"Listen right now, Seven!" she shouts at me angrily, "No one is taking my Data away from me. You'll be on the Borg scrapheap so fast, it'll make your implants spin."

She is Number Two in the queue, right behind Crusher.

Starting to despair a little at my lack of success, I encounter Lieutenant Barclay in the corridor.

"Lieutentant Reginald Endicott Barclay III" I announce, "I am Seven Of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01. You and I shall go on a date, and start a relationship together."

"Err...ummmm." Barclay starts, "That is, err..."

"Good." I say with satisfaction, "Then it is settled. You and I shall visit The Sands holographic nightclub on our first date. I shall address you as 'Reg Barclay', you may call me 'Seven'."

"Err....ahh...well, all right then...errr Seven." replies Barclay.

I stride off, very satisfied, leaving Barclay staring into nothingness for some reason.

I must have had a devastating impact on him.

To be continued...

Author's Note:

Apologies for the lateness of this post; my ISP was disconnected, and it took a day to be repaired. As a result, Part Two will be on Weddnesday, with the next post being the TWQ on Saturday.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

TWQ: Your Eccentric Superstar Requests

As we all know, stars like Mariah Carey and Barbra Streisand make absurd requests for things in their hotel rooms and dressing rooms. This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks into that.

What eccentric requests would you demand in your dressing room and/or hotel before you arrived for an appearance? List as mamy as you wish, and be as absurd as you like!

My answers are (if I had an over inflated superstar ego):

1: Red carpet to hotel with adoring fans placed on either side.

2: Marble raised bath.

3: A DVD player with all my favourite films available in both hotel and dressing room.

4: Dressing room with posters of me on all the walls.

5: Security at the door to keep everybody out.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Lwaxana & Deanna Have A Mother / Daughter Chat

Guest Poster: Lwaxana Troi

I'm meeting my blessed daughter Deanna at Starbase 12. I'm relaxing in my my private Ambassador suite.

One has all these perks in my position!

"Hello, mother." says Deanna as she enters, "It is good to see you again."

"As it is to see you, daughter." I reply.

I sigh.

"What is it, mother?" Deanna asks.

"I'm looking at the third finger of your left hand, my darling daughter." I tell her, "As yet, it is bare."

"MOTHER!" exclaims Deanna in frustration.

"That Will Riker still hasn't given you an engagement ring." I continue, "I was hoping that you would be married soon, and you would present me with you first child."

"Eventually." she replies.

"Well, daughter," I lecture her, "You're not getting any younger, and if you don't start insisting to Will that you want to get married, he may look elsewhere."

"What are you suggesting?" says Deanna.

"There are plenty of young women on the Enterprise." I tell her honestly, "They would all like to be married to the handsome Commander of a galaxy-class starship. If you're not careful, before long, the only person who might be attracted to you is Boothby is Academy gardener."

"Is that all you want to talk to me about, mother?" Deanna asks with impatience.

"Of course not, my darling." I tell her, "I just want to tell you about the wedding arrangements."
"WHAT wedding arrangements?" she replies.

"You, of course, my sweetest." I continue, "I have spoken to Florzil the Florist, and she will provide the flowers at a good discount rate. Davak the Vulcan Caterer will do an excellent buffet if we book early enough. I happen to know his sister, so I know we could get a discount there as well. Not only that, I can get a discou..."

"Stop it mother!" shouts Deanna, "There will not be a wedding until Will and I agree."

"Does this mean I have to cancel the bookings with Florzil and Davak?" I ask.

"Yes!" Deanna replies flatly.

"....and the disco?"

"YES!" Deanna answers.

"I tell you what I'll do, my darling." I tell her, "I'll keep the bookings on standby, just in case you decide to get married. You never know when he'll ask."

"Goodbye for now, mother." Deanna says with a sigh, and leaves.

Ah, my darling daughter; when am I going to get a grandchild?