Thursday, June 29, 2006

Flower Arranging

I knew it was never going to be popular, and that I was going to get the blame.

'Shoot the messenger' is always the reaction.

However, in another dopey Starfleet directive, senior staff have to learn flower arranging in order to relieve the stress that they face each day.

To say the least, the announcement didn't go down too well.

"I am a Klingon warrior, not a flower arranger!" was the reaction from Worf.

Nonetheless, we all turn up for Flower Arranging class. A scatty woman is there.

"Hello" she says, "I am Victoria, and I will be your tutor for the class."

Worf mutters a few Klingon expletives under his breath that I can't possibly repeat. Seven looks annoyed as well.

"It is little wonder that the Borg are supreme." she says, "When our opponents are interesting in arranging flowers."

"I'm sure Annika Hansen liked flowers as a little girl." I say to her. Bad mistake.

"That is irrelevant!" she snaps, "We are Borg!"

"Now, then class" continues Victoria, "Can we get on with the lesson?"

We each have a pile of flowers in front of us and a vase, and we are told to put them in after the basic lesson we have had."

"How this will help us in times of battle, I fail to see." mumbles Worf.

"Mr Worf," says Victoria, "Your mind will be eased and in better condition to face them. The stress of the day will be behind you."

"The great Klingon warrior Kahless hardly needed to learn flower arranging to go on his battles."

"He might have killed a few more if he had" replies Victoria with a smile.

A few moments elapse while we work away at our flowers.

"Time's up!" Victoria announces. "I'll come and inspect your efforts."

She comes to mine first.

"Oh, dear, Captain." Victoria says sadly, "I thought you might do a little better. They are all over the place. You need to work harder."

Then to Riker.

"Not bad, Commander." she comments, "You should have remembered that the Kvazian Pink Lily is meant to be placed upside down."

Then to Data.

"Rather disappointing, Mr Data." she tells him, "I thought you might have better knowledge of flowers."

"I did not have time to download a flower arranging program into my positronic brain." he replies.

Then to Geordi.

"You have a good style, Mr LaForge." she notes, "Fairly promising."

Then to Beverly.

"That is rather inept, Doctor Crusher." she tells her sharply, "You have absolutely no talent in flower arranging whatsoever."

Beverly bursts into tears. I console her as she weeps on my shoulder.

"I think that was a little strong, Victoria." I say.

Then to Jadzia.

"You have a good way with flowers, Miss Dax." she says, "Though I've never seen a Garanian Flower twisted in that way before."

Then to Worf,

"What a wonderful design, Mr Worf" she comments, "If I didn't know better, I would say you've always been an expert at fllower arranging."

Worf goes red-faced and mutters.

Finally, Victoria goes to Seven.

"This is absolutely stunning!" she says, "I've never seen such a beautiful arrangement as this in all my years! They way you combine the Tarbatian Dragon Flower with the Vitawan Orchid is amazing!"

Seven remains unintersted.

"Well done, Seven" I tell her, "How did you learn such a technique?"

"From a race that we assimilated." she says.

"Does that mean the Borg are expert flower arrangers?" laughs Riker.

Seven looks disgusted.

"Flower arranging is irrelevent!" she tells us, before walking out.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Wesley's Girlfriend

Gee, it's good that the Academy year is coming to an end. I'll be back next year, though, although some of the Professors didn't seem too keen.

"It'll be good when you graduate, won't it, Wes?" one said to me, although I heard him mention to another that we're stuck with him for another year.

Were they referring to me?

Anyway, in the weeks that the Academy is closed, it will give them chance to repair the damaged buildings that are around. There seem so many. Why are there so many accidents? It always seems to be in the classrooms I am in for some reason.

Before the school closes, the Head of the Academy has invited the new Cadets who will be starting in the following school year to visit and see what the Academy will be like.

They will also see veteran students like me who know how the place runs.


A little later, we are all there and we see the new intake; amongst the usual aliens, there are a couple of goths, and a statuesque woman, with long red hair, who has a spear and shield and is wearing upper body armour. A very Amazonian type woman.

A Professor introduces me to the woman.

"This is Karena, from the planet Wondawowman." he tells me, "Karena, this is Cadet Wesley Crusher. We have been stuc....I'm mean he has been with the Academy for some time."

She looks at me carefully from top to toe and thinks carefully.

"You will be my man." she tells me.

"Sorry?" I say to her, "I don't understand."

"You shall serve me in the new Academy year."

"I'm sorry, Karena." I tell her, "I don't want to serve you."

"Wondawowman is a planet with a matriarchal society!" she tells me forcefully, "The men do what we tell them to do. You will do what I say and we shall be a happy couple!"

Karena starts waving her spear at me; at the moment, I'm not in a good position tactically. Perhaps it might not be a good to object. Looking around, I think the Professors are enjoying my predicament.

"Err..on second thoughts, Karena," I tell her, "I will be happy to your man and serve you."

"Good." she says, "Wesley, you will make a worthy servant, I'm sure."

I can still hear the laughter of the Professors in the background."


Later, I visit the head Professor.

"What can I do?" I ask him in desperation.

"Well, Wesley" says Professor Bentley, while trying to hide a smirk on his face, "We do have to look after the new intake, don't we? Why don't you just take care of Karena? I'm sure she will be scared about coming into a new environment."

"Somehow, I don't think so, sir." I reply.

"Nevertheless, Wesley, you go and make her feel at home when she starts the new Academy year."

I leave the Professor's office and as I close the door, I hear more laughter.

It's going to be a tough Academy year when it opens again.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Seven's Review

I never like doing a Performance Development Review for any of my staff, but this forthcoming one is going to be the hardest.

It's for Seven Of Nine.

I mean, how can I do a PDR for a Borg drone?

Still, Starfleet rules are that all members of the senior staff should have a PDR by the Captain. As Seven has declared herself a member, she has to have one.


I wait in my office, have a big drink of Klingon bloodwine to numb the headache, have a stress pill and ask Seven to be bought in.

She strides in.

"You wanted to see me, Locutus?" she says.

"Yes, Seven" I reply, "Can you call me 'Captain' while we are here, if you don't mind."

"If that is what you wish, Locutus." she declares.

I sigh. I haven't started yet, but am already tempted to have another Klingon bloodwine. I resist, as I would probably pass out. This is something that wouldn't look good.

"Now, do you understand why we are here, Seven?" I ask her, "We are here to discuss your performance and attitude on the Enterprise. Every member of the crew has this done, and the one now happens to be your first since you joined us."

"I know all about Performance Development Reviews." Seven tells me, "The Borg Queen conducted them with each of her drones."

I look amazed.

"Really?" I say, "How did they go?"

"Much the same as they do here." she continues, "The Borg Queen gets her file out and talks to each of us about of performance in the Cube, whether we've assimilated enough people for the quota."

"What would happen if the Queen thinks a drone has not performed up to quality?" I ask curiously, "Does she reprimand them?"

"Of course not!" Seven replies, "They get deactivated."

"Did you ever worry that would happen to you?"

"Never!" Seven says defiantly, "I was always top in the Cube assimilation performance charts; the Queen said I was her best drone."

I feel a bit fazed at that. I look at the files.

"Well, Seven" I say, with a slight smile, "Let's get back to your Performance Review. We don't do such drastic things as deactivate people."

"I should think not, Captain Picard" she replies tersely, "The Borg Queen will assimilate you if you do."

Trying to use a sense of humour with a Borg drone is clearly the wrong thing to do.

"Now then, Seven," I say, with my 'in-charge' voice in gear, "Taking a look at your time here, you did very well recently while helping Doctor Crusher and myself out of a difficult situation. You proved to be a good member of the team there."

Seven remains expressionless as I continue.

"I think you need to work a little in your attitude to other crew members, though. Many have said that you adopt a superior and threatening tone towards them."

I ought to know; she does that with me, as well.

"It is perfectly natural" she replies, "The Borg are superior; the Borg are supreme!"

Oh dear.

"You see, Seven" I say, "What you need to do is be a little nicer to people; smile at them more, say a cheery "Hello" in the corridor."

"Do you want me to smile at them even when I'm threatening to assimilate them?"

Time for the Klingon bloodwine.

"I think that's all for your Performance Review, Seven" I say, as I get the bottle out.

Maybe the Borg Queen did things right with her technique after all.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

TWQ: Vacations: Good And Bad Features

TWQ (The Weekend Question) this week looks at vacations, as at this time of year, a lot are going away.

What is the best and worst features of a vacation? Can you give some examples?

My answer is:

The best part of a vacation is seeing people and places that one has never seen before. The Great Pyramids of Giza was a classic example, as was Red Square, Moscow. What I dislike most of all are airport waiting. Though flying itself can be a thrill, the check-in, security procedures, carousel luggage waiting is awful. On a short-haul flight, one spends far more time at the airport than in the air.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Secret Mission (Part Three)

With Locutus and Crusher captured by Taran and his people, it will be up to me to save them, as ome would expect.

The Borg are supreme!

I go round the side to listen in on the conversation. Koth has been sent back to the Shady Beggar Club.

"What is going on, Taran?" asks Locutus, "Why are you leading a rebel group when you asked us to help?"

"Naturally, I was sent to ask for help by the Emperor" he replies, "But he didn't know what position I was really at. Koth and his group are just useful idiots. As soon as the government are overthrown, I shall assume power and crush Koth and his group."

"You won't succeed." says Crusher.

"I think we will, Doctor Crusher" Taran replies me a snarl.

"You don't expect us to let you get away with this, do you?" says Locutus.

"No, Captain" he says with a laugh, "I expect you to die!"

"Take them to the death cell." Taran directs a minion, "Have all the others look for the third one who was with them; she's a Borg drone and very dangerous."

Right now, I should go and assimilate them all, but Locutus expects me to do things the human way. Why does this have to be? We are Borg!

I make my way back to the Shady Beggar Club; there, I meet Alice, who Crusher met earlier and tell her that Koth is being used by Taran. She is livid. I also say that 'Therase' and 'Jada', my associates are being imprisoned.

"Right, Sevena!" she shouts, "The time for action is now!"

She gathers both forces together, who are united, now they know they were used and go out, heavily armed.

I think Alice would make a good Borg drone; perhaps I ought to ask her later?

We all storm the headquarters; we get to the death cell, where Locutus and Crusher are on seperate tables with an industrial laser making it's way higher between their legs. Both are sweating. I destroy both lasers with ease, as one would expect.

"Well done, Seven" Locutus tells me, "You did a great job."

"Thanks, Seven" Crusher says.

I really had to save them; how else can I assimilate them later on, when the Borg Queen tells me to?

Resistance is Futile. We are Borg!"

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Secret Mission (Part Two)

As Koth announces there are spies amongst them in the Shady Beggar Club, where Jean-Luc, Seven and I are, we get very tense.

Jean-Luc has a very white face, as if a vampire has had too much from him. I imagine I must look the same. Seven looks the same though, as if she is going to assault somebody.

She's always looked like that, though.

The security guards in the Club brush past us and apprehend two individuals near the back; they are handcuffed.

"These two spies have been working for the government" says Koth to the other cloaked figures, "Be careful what you say, there may be other agents in our very midst."

Suddenly, I feel as if everybody is watching me.

The two spies are taken away for 'questioning'. Jean-Luc tells be that if any interrogation involves counting lights, then you are in big trouble.

"What do we do now, Jean-Luc....I mean Jada?" I ask him, "Can we go back to our hotel for some,"

"That is irrelevant!" snaps Seven, and Jean-Luc and I look glum.

"We mix and find out what we can." he tells us.

"Threatening to assimilate them would produce swifter results." comments Seven.

We both roll our eyes.

I go to the bar and meet a young girl dressed in black; I buy her a drink and after exchanging a few anti-government thoughts, she tells me her name is Alice, after I give my name as Therase, and I ask her how the movement is getting on.

"We need to take more action!" asserts Alice, "This group is too soft; more force is needed!"

It sounds like she and Seven would get on, if they were on the same side.

"Koth is just a puppet." Alice goes on, "He's not really the leader here."

"Who is?" I ask.

"Some of us are trying to find that out, Therase." she tells me, "My friends are going to kill a few of his companions tonight; do you want to join us?"

"Err...I'd love to, Alice, but I'm washing my hair tonight."

I go over and rejoin Jean-Luc and Seven, and tell them what I know.

"That's generally what I found out as well" says Jean-Luc, "There seems to be a hidden group behind this one."

"Affirmative." Seven tells us, "This information I ascertained from one of the minions here. Koth is being controlled."

"Then what we need to do is follow Koth and see who he talks to." says Jean-Luc.

Sigh. No time for romance on our missions. I thought spies were supposed to have that sort of thing all the time.


Later that night, the three of us follow Koth when he leaves the Shady Beggar Club. He and a couple of his associates go with him, doing their best not to be seen, wearing dark cloaks and keeping to lightless alleyways. Looking like the sort of characters one would not be keen on meeting.

Eventually, through winding pathways, the three of them meet up with four other cloaked figures. It occurs to me that cloaks must be the biggest produce on Taos II.

One of the figures goes up to Koth; we try to get as near as possible to hear what is going on. After all, we can hardly ask them to speak up.

"You're foolish, Koth" says the figure talking to him, "Don't you realise there are three Federation agents in your group."

Koth looks shocked.

The figure removes the hood of his cloak; it is Taran, the Emperor's second in command! It was him who asked the Federation for help in quashing the rebel movements.

This is complicated; I can see that Jean-Luc looks confused. The sort of look he has when trying to do a jigsaw puzzle.

"Seize them!" says Taran; the others swiftly grab Jean-Luc and myself, while Seven gets away and evades them.

Things are looking bad; I like being with Jean-Luc, but not when caught by revolutionaries.

To be continued..

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Secret Mission (Part One)

One can always tell when there is trouble ahead when they get a visit from Admiral Barton. He's the head of SMUG (Starfleet Missions Underhand Group). They go on all sorts of sneaky missions. There are rumours of another even more covert group, but I'm sure they don't exist.

"We need you to do a little mission for us, Captain" says Barton in my Ready Room. He is joined an official-looking alien.

"Not another one, Admiral!" I groan.

I always seem to be the one selected for these sort of things. At this rate, I should have a Walther PPK phaser, a Martini shaken, not stirred and a regulation Tuxedo, let alone someome explaining the latest gadgets who says "Pay attention, Picard!"

"You're so good at it, Captain" Barton explains, "You managed to bring down that crime ring which was headed by one of our own Admirals recently."

"All right, Admiral." I reluctantly say, "What do I have to do?"

"There have been reports that on the planet Taos II, an underground organisation is threatening to destabilise the government that is there. You need to find out who they are and put everything right. With me is Taran. He is the Emperor's second in command, and has come to me with this. As Taos is in the Federation, we have to help"

"Yes sir."

"We want you to take two people with you, Captain."

Seven and Beverly come in.

"They have been briefed as to the mission" Barton tells me, "Doctor Crusher will act as your woman, and Seven will be the bodyguard for the both of you."

Beverley smiles; Seven sneers.

"This should be fun, Jean-Luc" Bev tells me.

"Fun is irrelevant!" Seven says dismissively.

Oh dear.


Hours later, the three of us have landed on Taos II, and are looking around the seedier parts of the main city there. Everybody has a hood one and is trying to hide their faces. The three of us are doing the same. We can't have people knowing there is a Borg drone in the city.

"We need to round up and assimilate troublemakers!" declares Seven.

"There will be no assimilating on this mission." I tell her.

"Not even a little bit?" she asks.

"No, not even a little bit"

Seven looks disappointed.

We go in a pub and see some even shadier people around; after hearing some malcontented whispers about the governmental set up, I decide to say something.

"My friends and I are eager to see the government dislodged" I tell them, "Can we talk further?"

We are all eyed suspiciously, as if they are Interplanetary Customs and we might have bought some questionable substances in.

"Who might you strangers be?" the seediest one asks me with a stare.

"Err...I'm Jada, this is my woman Therase, and this here is Sevena."

Seven looks disgusted at my lack of imagination.

"Well" says the man, "My name is Koth; there is an anti-government meeting tonight at the Shady Beggar Club at 19:00. Tell the doorman that Koth sent you and he will let you in."


That evening, 19:00 draws near; we all have our cloaks on and look very shady.

"Are you all ready?" I ask.

"Yes, Jean-Luc" replies Beverly.

"Affirmative, Locutus" states Seven.

"Don't call me that, Seven" I tell her, "Remember here, we are Jada, Therase and Sevena."

We approach the doorman of the Shady Beggar Club, and tell him in my best seedy-underworld voice that Koth sent us. He eyes us and sends us in.

Inside lots of voices are shouting disparaging remarks about the government. We join in, then see Koth on the platform.

"Fellow revolutionaries." he tells them, "We have some spies amongst us tonight!"

Our faces go white.

To be continued.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

TWQ: Teary Movies

This week, we take a look into a certain type of movies...have your tissues ready....

Which movies have made you sniff and/or cry in the past?

My answer is:

It's A Wonderful Life: With a lot of people, the ending is lovely. This film was recently voted most inspiring movie of all time.

Beaches: A real teary ending, with 'Wind Beneath My Wings' adding to the tissues.

Random Harvest: The early Ronald Colman/Greer Garson classic has an ending to melt the coldest of hearts.

Sleepless In Seattle: A lovely ending that needs tissues as well.

Saving Private Ryan: Another inspiring movie, with a very teary ending.

Now it's over to you...

But before you go....

I have been tagged by Mimi and will answer these:

I AM: A son, friend, boyfiend, best friend, cousin, writer, blogger and worker.

I WANT: To have a life that I can feel happy and satisfied.

I WISH: That I had a job that I could feel that achieved something, and that my girlfriend and I lived on the same continent.

I HATE: The frustration of not being able to drive, and not being able to go on regular dates with my girlfriend.

I LOVE: The fact that I am still alive.

I MISS: My mother.

I FEAR: Being alone in the world.

I HEAR: Cars driving by in the distance.

I WONDER: At what the future will bring.

I REGRET: Not taking certain directions early in life.

I AM NOT: Able to drive; it keeps me stationery.

I DANCE: Badly.

I SING: To myself certain favourites like 'American Pie' and try to remember all the lyrics.

I CRY: Rarely, but a movie can bring it out.

I AM NOT ALWAYS : Right in what I how I do things, but I try to be so.

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: E mails, letters, poems, photographs.

I WRITE: For a long time, especially for certain people.

I CONFUSE: A lot..probably myself more than anyone else!

I NEED: A kiss, mature cheese, a fast car that I could drive.

I SHOULD: Not worry so much, as this brings on stress.

I START: A new day today.

I FINISH: This meme, and hope you liked it.

I TAG: No one

Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Tour

I really don't know why I have to do this; I'm the Captain. Surely I should be able to delegate this to a minion.

No, I can't; Starfleet Command insist that I give the tour of the Enterprise to new Academy Cadets. As the flagship of the fleet, we are supposed to show them the best that we have.

I hope these are better than the last lot; they were a right shower.

Five beam on; they are introduced as Vince, Pammy, Karena, Garlen and Ted.

Vince and Pammy are dressed and black and have dark make up on. Karena is an Amazonian-type warrior woman from the planet Wondawowman, Garlen is a Vulcan, and Ted is just a blank-looking individual.

"Welcome to the Enterprise" I tell them, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard. and I will be showing you around this starship."

Vince kisses Pammy and they clinch for some time.

"Pay attention!" I tell them.

"We're Goths, Picard" says Vince, "We tend to do our own thing around here."

"It is not logical to behave like that" Garlen informs them.

"Blow it out of your ears, Vulcan!" replies Pammy, who giggles away with Vince.

Karena steps forward, hits Vince who slams against the walls, and then throws Pammy down the corridor.

"You will obey the Captain!" she tells them, "We are here to learn."

Ted says nothing, but writes it all down in his his pad; I suspect he's one of those who write things, but never digest anything.

The tour goes on; we go to SickBay. There, Vince and Pammy ask about what sort of drugs are available there, Karena has little interest, Garlen makes a comment that it all looks rather primative compared to Vulcan. Ted writes it all down.

We go down to the Brig. Vince and Pammy are keen to leave that area. Garlen bends the bars a little; Karena breaks them completely. Ted writes it all down.

Next to Engineering. Geordi looks worried when the entourage arrives. I don't think he likes the idea of visitors interfering with everything.

"This is real cool, Vince" says Pammy.

"Sure, baby" he replies, "This is what makes this crate go."

Geordi looks indignant.

"I think it's time to go to the Bridge." I tell them.

When we get there, they all look around curiously.

"This is the nerve centre of the Enterprise" I inform them, "All decisions come from here, with me sitting at the Captain's Chair"

"I wanna be Captain and fly this crate" Vince informs me, "Pammy, you can be my Commanding Officer."

"Oh, sure, Captain Vince" she giggles.

"You would have to work very hard to get to such a position." Garlen tells them, "Neither have you have the intelligence to get to such a post. Only I could possibly achieve this position."

A scuffle starts to break out. Lieutenant Worf moves forward to stop it, but is beaten to the intervention by Karena, who separates the individual. Ted looks carefully and writes all the details down.

"I think we're going to have trouble with Vince and Pammy" whispers Riker.

"I agree, Number One, but I think I know a solution."

I quietly use my Com badge, and tell the Cadets that it is time to meet someone.

We all walk down the corridor. Seven Of Nine approaches. Hopefully, she will say what I asked her to.

"This is Seven Of Nine." I inform them.

Vince and Pammy took absolutely terrified.

"It's a Borg drone!" They both say.

"Do you wish me to assimmilate any of these individuals" asks Seven.

"Err, no thank you" I answer, "But I'll let you know if I need you to."

Seven calmly walks away. Vince and Pammy are shaking.

"We have very strict methods of discipline on this ship" I tell them, "Well, students, the tour is over. Thank you for visiting the Enterprise."

Vince, Pammy, and even Garlen and Karena look troubled. Surpisingly, Ted shows no emotion. As the other students get ready to beam off the ship, he comes over to me.

"Well done, Captain" says Ted, "You handled those Cadets very well. I'm not really a Cadet, but was placed amongst them to see how you'd react in handling some difficult people."

"You might have told me" I complain.

"You wouldn't have behaved the same way if I had." he tells me, "I must say, though, at the Academy, we can hardly threaten to use a Borg drone on them as punishment."

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Geordi's Vacation

I'm on a vacation with my girlfriend Trisha Lewis; we're going to the beach planet of Darak VI; lots of sun and sand ahead!

Paradise City, Arizona, man!

There's just one downer on all this sunshine. Darak VI is close to the Cardassian border, and is considered a place where both races can go for a break without any trouble.

I never fancied going to a resort where a Cardassian has his hols, but Trisha talked me into it, as she said it was an ideal place where she can top up her tan and show off her latest bikini.

With persuasion like that, I'm hardly going to say no, am I?

We arrive at the hotel, called Cardassian Star; the clerk behind is a Cardassian, he ignores us and attends to the couple behind us, and those behind them. Eventually, I start to get mad.

"Hey, meteor face!" I say, ringing the service-bell, "We'd like some attention here!"

He grudgingly l0oks at us and checks us in.

The Cardassian bellhop is there, but does not bother with us, but cheerfully awaits for the next family from Cardassia.

We drag our cases to the room on the 7th floor.

"We should have had a modern hotel, Trisha" I tell her, "At least one with a Transporter that took us both to our room; this one doesn't even have a lift."


It's dinner time. The menu this evening consist of Regova Eggs, followed by Zabu Stew, drunk with Red Leaf Tea. All well-known Cardassian delicacies.

"Do you have any meals for humans here?" Trisha asks the Maitre'D.

He laughs, walks over to the waiter, points to us, talks and he laughs as well.

This could be a long vacation.


With it getting late at night, we head out to the local town. There's a night club in the centre called 'The Four Lights'. We go in.

Everywhere goes quiet inside, as all the Cardassians inside turn round and stare at us in amazement. It looks like a human hasn't been in 'The Four Lights' before.

The noisy sound continues, and we are informed that it is the "'top sound on Cardassia right now, guys and gals".

I should have put some of Beverly's headache pills in the case.


Next morning, I see that all the sun loungers by the pool are occupied by towels. The Cardassians have got up at the crack of dawn, and placed them there, then gone away, intending to return later.

"We can't let them get away with that, Geordi!" says Trisha.

"I agree" I tell her, as I pick a couple of loungers and throw the towels off. We lie down, apply the sunblock, and start to relax.

An hour later, I notice there is a shade across the lounger.

"Has the sun gone in?" I ask Trisha.

"" she carefully replies.

I look and the shadow belongs to a large, muscular Cardassian who is just wearing his Speedo costume. Not a pretty sight, I can tell you, nor is his wife, who was in a bikini.

"You will leave, now, human!" he tells us.

"" I tell him, "Just keeping it ..err warm for you."

We depart rapidly.


Later that day, I see the musculer Cardassian sleeping on his Li-Lo on the pool; I sneak to my room and advise Trisha to start packing, as it's time to leave. She agrees, and I take out my small phaser.

Going to the poool, I aim my phaser it his Li-Lo, and start to see it sinking.

I run back, and we are at the Reception.

Time to checkout, man!

Sunday, June 11, 2006


I'm curreently on Taxa V, a jungle-like planet where I and the other senior staff are playing Paintball.

This is something that has been encouraged by the Starfleet hierarchy so that crews can 'bond together' and be more of a team.

What tosh.

We each have 24th Century style paintguns and are creeping around the jungle hoping to cover each other with paint. The last one remaining will be the winner, and will get an extra day's vacation this year.

I don't intend to get paint on my uniform, and I want that day's vacation.

Listening, I hear a Klingon voice talking.

"I'm sorry, Mr LaForge." says Worf, "You have been painted and are therefore eliminated from this competition.

That's one gone, then; I sneak up behind Worf and cover him with paint from my gun. He mutters a few Klingon expletives and says it was not honourable for a warrior to sneak up behind an opponent.

How sneaky; I can't see this competition 'bonding people'.

Further into the jungle; more voices. Riker and Deanna.

"Look Deanna" says Riker, "If we team up, we can eliminate everybody else together. One of us would get the free vacation day and the other would go with them."

Typical Riker; doing things behind my back.

"Great idea, Will." replies Deanna, and promptly sprays him with paint before he can reply. That's Deanna for you.

I go to spray her, but disappears swiftly. I follow her. That Betazoid is going to get covered in paint.

More voices; it's Jadzia talking to Deanna.

"Time for a showdown, Troi!" shouts Jadzia, "Go for your Paintball gun." It sounds like they are in the Wild West.

Deanna is the slow one and gets covered in a paint that will be hard to remove. Jadzia is gleeful and laughs.

"Sorry to spoil your enjoyment, Jadzia" I tell her, before giving her the paint treatment.

The senior staff are being eliminated; I've still got a clean uniform on.

Where are the others? Suddenly another voice; then another. Seven and Data.

"Resistance is futile!" Seven tells him, "I was the Borg Paintball Champion on Unimatrix 01. I always beat the Borg Queen and the other drones. Stand by to be painted."

"That may be so, Seven." Data informs her, "My creator, Dr Noonian Soong, happened to install a Paintball Professional chip in me. I am undefeated."

The two shoot their guns together and both are covered in paint; nothing for me to do.

Now let's see; who is left?

Why is my uniform covered in paint? Someone has just fired a gun on me.

"Sorry about that, Jean-Luc" says Beverly, "I needed that extra day to see Wes. I'll take your uniform to the laundry and get it cleaned."

"I'd rather lose to you, Beverly than anyone else." I tell her.

We smile; I kiss her.

I guess Paintball DOES bond people together, after all.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

TWQ: Superheroes

TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks you this week about superheroes.

Which superhero would you like to be, and which powers would you ideally like to have?

My answers are:

I was always a Superman fan when I was young, so I think that's who I'd pick, although it's no fun being allergic to kryptonite. I wouldn't mind adding the telekinetic powers of Jean Grey and the ability to walk through walls that Kitty Pryde has.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Extra Schooling For Alexander

Worfie and I have an appointment with Miss Forrester, one of Alexander's teachers at the children's class here on the Enterprise.

When it's an unscheduled request to visit a teacher, it's always trouble. That's what Worfie tells me, and I'm inclined to go along with him.

"You're his father." I tell him, "You don't want me along; I'm just your ummm...friend."

"I need to have you with me, Jadzia" he replies, "To give me guidance. It's not easy being the father of a young boy."

"I thought the Troi woman was his guardian?" I say in a huff.

"Let's not go into that awkward situation." Worf quickly says, "We are here at the classroom."

Miss Forrester welcomes us in.

"Hello Lieutenant Worf" she says, then looks at me, "and you are....?"

"I'm Jadzia Dax....I'm errr....a friend of Worf and Alexander."

"I see." she says in a disapproving manner, as if she understands everything in a moment. I dislike her already.

"It seems like Alexander's grades have been slipping recently." Miss Forrester tells us.

"I will go and severly punish him immediately!" Worf angrily declares, "He has bought shame upon the family."

"That's a little extreme." says Miss Forrester, "I just think he needs a little extra teaching in his quarters in order to catch up."

"I'm a Klingon warrior and Starfleet officer, not a teacher." Worf complains.

"Relax, Worfie." I tell him, "I'll do the teaching."


A few hours later, Alexander and I are in his quarters getting ready for the first lesson. He looks very unhappy.

"I shouldn't be doing schoolwork at this time of day." he glumly says, "I want to be playing my latest computer video game, Sonic the Hedgehog versus The Borg."

"Well if you didn't play that so often, Alexander" I tell him, "Your grades might not be slipping at all."

"All right" he concedes, "What are we going to do?"

"Maths and physics" I tell him, "I'm going to set you a problem that is in this book, and you have to tell me the answer,"

I read out a fiendishly complex problem involving warp speed and the position of starships in relation to a nearby planet.

"8.5 Warp Speed." he answers.

I look a little worried, and have no idea whether the answer is right or not. I look innocently at the back of the book, but there is nothing there.

"Is it right?" asks Alexander.

"Errr....I think so."

"You don't know, do you?"

"I think that was a little advanced for you." I say with hesitancy.

"That problem is for the under 10's" he tells me, "I had it last year."

I think for a while. That Miss Forrester hasn't a clue about Alexander. She must be just picking on him because he's a Klingon. I think he's a bright boy.

"Err....class dismissed." I tell him, "Can I join you in your game of Sonic the Hedgehog versus The Borg?"

He laughs and hands me a control panel.

This is something I WILL beat him on!

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

What If...? (Part Two)

Q is showing me what the Enterprise would have been like if I had never been born. The rest of the crew cannot see us as we watch what is going on.

Admiral Riker and his wife Deanna have just beamed aboard...


"Welcome to the Enterprise, Admiral." Data says to him, "Welcome also, Mrs Riker"

"It's Deanna!" replies to Counselor, "We're all old friends here, Data"

"That's right, Data, old buddy!" Riker tells him, and pats him on the back.

"Without you around, Jean-Luc" Q informs me, "Riker was the Captain, so he was quickly appointed Admiral and Data took over when he got promoted. You've been holding them back, mon Capitaine!"

I ignore his comments and carry on watching.

"Congratulations on the pregnancy, Deanna" Beverly says to her, "When will the baby be due?"

"In six months time" she replies, "I should say congrats to you as well, Bev, in getting engaged in that hunk of a Medical Officer at Starfleet Headquarters."

"I always thought there was something missing in my life; no romance. That was until I met Brad. He's an ex-Quarterback."

I turn white and wince. Q laughs away.

"Without you around, Jean-Luc, poor Beverly had nobody to romance her." he tells me gleefully.
A message comes on Data's com link.

"Lieutenant Crusher here, sir. I think we've got a problem. You need to come to the Bridge now."

Everybody, including Riker and Deanna go to the Bridge; Q and I follow them.

"There is an unknown ship ten million kilometres away" declares Seven, "It is packed with high density tri-cobalt biogenic torpedoes. They are powering up; if their weapons hit us, we shall be destroyed, as the shields will be ineffective. The Enterprise will be destroyed."

"Have you performed a sensor scan, Miss Dax?" asks Data.

"Yes, Captain; they only have light-sensitive sensors, but we will be unable to escape with the transwarp engines they have."

"We are being hailed by sound only." says Wesley.

"You shall be destroyed" says an ominous voice that seems to like eradicating starships as a hobby. Things are not looking good.

Them I remember something.

"Why don't they use the Picard Manouvre?" I ask, "Every cadet in Starfleet has been taught that in the Academy."

"The what?" laughs Q, "You need to remember, Jean-Luc, that you have never been born and the Manouvre doesn't exist."

Wesley suddenly turns round to Riker and Data.

"Admiral Riker, Captain Data" he says, "I think I have an idea."

Don't tell me it's going to be what I think it is...

"What is it, Wes?" asks Riker.

"Well, as the ship only has light-speed sensors, we could suddenly go in warp towards them. This would give the impression to them that we were in two places at the same time and confuse them. Then we could fire on the ship before it was ready."

I groan; that's the Picard Manouvre.

"That sounds like a great idea!" Riker tells him.

"I agree, Admiral" Data tells him.

A few moments later, the confused ship is fired upon and the problem is sorted out.

"You did really well there, Wes." Riker tells him, "So much so that I'm going to put in a motion that the action be known as 'The Crusher Manouvre', that it be tought at all classes in the Academy, and that you be promoted to Lieutenant Commander."

I can't take this any longer.

"Get me out of here, Q!" I urgently tell him, "I want to be back in charge of the Enterprise and to exist again!"

"Of course, mon Capitaine!" Q snickers, "Why didn't you say so?"

A moment later, I am back in my bedroom. No one else is there. I want to check to see if people can see me.

I walk into the corrider. Data is there.

"Can you see me, Data?" I ask him.

"Of course, Captain" he replies, "I am puzzled as to why you are in the corrider without any garments on, though."

Sunday, June 04, 2006

What If...? (Part One)

I'm lying in bed after another hard day commanding the Enterprise.

Now it's the time to relax....

A heavy metal rock band suddenly appear in the room and drive my senses mad.

Q appears as the lead singer, with dark glasses and a beard.

"Bonjour mon Capitaine!" he says cheerfully, "I thought you'd appreciate a visit from your favourite resident of the Q Continuum. I know I like seeing my old pal, Jean-Luc."

"Go away, Q!" I tell him sharply, "Security will hear that noise and come in." I put my head under the pillow.

"No they won't, Jean-Luc." he laughs, "The sound is only for your ears. Those archaic Enterprise sensors won't notice me here. Now what shall we chat about?"

"Your iminent departure?" I suggest.

"You have a caustic wit, mon Capitaine" Q smiles, "Where would the Enterprise be without you?"

"Who knows" I say, "Probably in a poor condition."

"Oh, so you think you're that important, Jean-Luc?" Q teasingly laughs, "What do you think it would be like if you had never been born?"

"Destroyed, probably." I tell him.

"Do you want to see what the Enterprise would have been like if you had never been born?" Q challenges me.

"All right, Q", I tell him, "Let's see what it would have been like.

All of a sudden, I'm beginning to regret my big mouth. Too late now, idiot!


Both Q and I appear on the Bridge of the Enterprise. Both he and I are wearing Starfleet uniforms.

"Nobody can see or hear us, Jean-Luc." Q tells me. "Just enjoy what you see."

The decor is dreadful. A bright flourescent pattern. I would never have allowed that if I had been in charge.

Data is in my chair, and from the stars on his collar, he is the Captain. In the Commander's role is Worf. Beverly is third in thew Lieutenant Commander position. As she has occasionally filled the Captain's role on the night shift, this is no surprise.

I wonder where Riker is? Deanna isn't about either.

Geordi comes in.

"Engine's running to optimum efficiency, Captain Data." he says.

"Very good, Mr La Forge." states Data, "We shall be in time for our rendezvous with the USS Rhode Island"

Geordi is still in the same position; he always loved engines.

I look on Tactics; Jadzia Dax is in position there, checking out everything, looking as if she is keen to blast something in space to smithereens.

To my horror, the two at the helm are Wesley Crusher and Seven of Nine. Has Data had a short-circuit? Putting those two there is a recipe for disaster.

Q enjoys seeing the horror on my face.

"Perhaps our android friend trusts Seven and Wesley a lot more than you do, Jean-Luc" Q laughs, "They seem to be doing a good job from where I am watching."

"The USS Rhode Island is within transporter range, Captain." says Wesley.

"Good, Lieutenant Crusher." Data replies, "Have the Admiral and his wife beamed aboard. Be sure that plenty of donuts are made available while he is here."


We all go to the Transporter Room and I see the Admiral and his wife beamed aboard.

It's Riker and Deanna.

I groan and Q laughs away at my despair.


To be continued...

Saturday, June 03, 2006


This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks you what might be an easy or a tough question:

Who (or what) inspires you to go in the direction you do in life, to decide what choices to make, and to write whatever you do?

My answer is:

My parents have always been hugely influential in the decisions I make. Though my mother may no longer be here, I do ask to myself, "What would she have said?" As for my writing, my active childhood imagination has always been a key part. I've always liked writing, and a Journal gives me the chance to express it.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Team Talk

I've called the senior staff together for our latest meeting.

Unfortunately, as Seven has declared herself a member of the senior staff, she has to be included, otherwise she'll tell us off to the Borg Queeen and we'll all get assimilated.

"First item on the agenda." I tell them, "Is this directive from Starfleet. It reminds us that we must have regular Team Talks for the senior staff. All should attend."

"That includes me" stresses Seven.

The others grumble a little.

"Last month" says Riker, "It was a little difficult to have our Team Talk as we were fighting aliens."

"Are we supposed to suddenly stop doing that and come in for a Team Talk?" Worf gruffly says, "We fight aliens, not have table chats."

"I agree Mr Worf" I tell him, "We would just have to postpone it."

"What would happen if aliens invaded while all the senior staff were in a Team Talk?" asks Geordi, "The Enterprise would not have any leading figures on the Bridge."

"You could self-destruct the ship from here." Seven declares.

"Err...yes, but we don't want to have to go to that extreme, Seven." I tell her, "Let's move on to the next item."

"What's that, Captain?" asks Riker.

"The women's washrooms, Number One" I tell him, "The has been a spate of vandalism there, with a lot of graffitti. Messages such as 'We are Borg' and 'Resistance is futile' have been inscribed there."

Everyone suddenly looks at Seven, who shows no emotion.

"Now I'm not going to name any suspects." I continue, "But if she continues, she'll be confined to her regeneration alcove,"

I look on my agenda list.

"Just one more item to discuss. Vacations." I tell them, "We've got to be careful when we book them so as they don't clash with other staff. I can't have mine at the same time as Commender Riker, for example."

"What about Will and I?" asks Deanna, "We'd want to have the same days off"

"So would I and Jadzia" declares Worf.

"As Trisha and I would want to." says Geordi.

"Jennifer and I would like to have the same says as well, Captain." Data informs me.

Beverly looks a little red-faced.

"Err...I'd naturally like the same days as Wesley...or perhaps certain other days."

I go a little red faced.

"Don't worry, everybody, I'm sure you'll all get the vacation times you want. Just put in your request after the Team Talk and I'll process it."

Everybody rushes out of the Ready Room as soon as I say that, leaving just me and Seven in there.

"What about your vacations, Seven?" I ask her.

"You will grant me my holidays, Locutus, or you will be assimilated." she sternly tells me.

"Err...I declare this Team Talk over."