Sunday, April 30, 2006

First Blogaversary!

Yes, it was a year ago on the 30th April that I first sent my Journal to my Intern in the 21st Century.

In that time, I've encountered parallel universes, time travel, a Borg version of Deanna Troi, numerous unpleasant aliens and even more unpleasant Starfleet officials that want to visit the Enterprise for various reasons.

On board, there have been all sorts of parties for various reasons; this usually ends up with people in the brig. The best was probably the five-part Christmas party that was full of entries by YOU.

The senior staff of the Enterprise have all been had their lives featured, such as the awkward love lives of Riker, Deanna and Worf. The rivalry between Deanna and Jadzia has been enough to give any Captain a headache.

Geordi is still trying to be like a hip DJ, and he and Data have both obtained girlfriends in the last 12 months. Deanna is still the shopaholic she's always been, and enjoys visiting the Starfleet Mall with Bev.

Riker is still getting plenty of donuts from the replicator, while I continue to fill out job application forms for him.

Beverly is continuing to get annoyed about the holographic doctor she is forced to be in Sick Bay with. He drives her crazy with his talk of union riights. As for my relationship with Beverly, that is strictly classified.

Wes drives me crazy with his habit of saving the ship whenever he turns up on it; this only seems to happen when he's on it. What a relief he's usually at the Academy. The lowest point was when I was forced to go on holiday with Wes to Portugal last year.

Who knows where the Enterprise will go from now on? I certainly don't!


I'd like to thank each and every one of you who has been reading my Journal over the last twelve months, from the earliest ( Ciera ), who is very special to me, to the latest ( Miss Cellania ) and all those in between. I've made a lot of good friends on my bloglist, such as Nic , Friday's Child , No Average Girl , the couragous Minerva , TNChick (who designed the main picture on this page) and so many more. All those on my bloglist, to be truthful, I consider my friend. To all the others, thank you. My bloglist will be longer soon!

Ciera had her own First Blogaversary on 29th April; take a look! This lovely lady started the same time in the blogasphere as I did, and has been my great friend since then.

From all what we read, we learn a little about the lives we lead in different parts of the world. Thank you for letting me in yours;

Hope you'll continue reading my Journal in the future; your comments are of so much value.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

TWQ: Habits

This week, The Weekend Question (TWQ) asks about habits...

Have there been any little habits that you've always had but strived to break? Have you succeeded?

My answer is:

I haven't really had any, but have tried to stop getting myself stressed out about matters that are in truth very trivial and are not important. I think I'm getting better at that, but am still not there yet!

Now it's over to you...

But before you go...

Don't forget tomorrow (Sunday 30th April) is my First Blogaversary, so I'll be putting up a post for that!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Who's On First?

Riker walks into my Ready Room while I'm writing my Journal.

"Ah, Number One" I tell him, "Do you realise I will have been sending my Intern the records of my Journal for nearly a year? This Sunday, the 30th April will be the First Anniversary."

"Are we going to have another party, Captain?"

"I don't think so; after the last one, the brig was at capacity for some time. Mr Worf said it was all too much for him."

"Do you think it was wise sending the Journal to the 21st Century?" he asks me, "What about the Temporal Prime Directive?"

"Oh, nonsense, Number One" I say, "My Intern is sworn to secrecy. I've found something interesting here. They are Starfleet Archives from the 23rd Century unearthed by Miss Cellania . She was the woman who piloted the Enterprise when we had that party recently."

Riker takes a look at the Archives and reads them out..

"The following is a transcript of a conversation between Captain Kirk, Mr Spock & Dr McCoy..."


Who's On First...

Kirk, McCoy, and Scotty are huddled in a corridor near a transporter room, talking with one another, in the distance, Spock rounds a corner and heads toward the group.]

McCoy: Shh! He's coming! Scotty, go act like you're adjusting the transporter or something.

Scotty: Aye, Doctor.

Kirk: Ah, hello Mister Spock.

Spock: Good day, Captain.

Kirk: Are you familiar with the game "baseball," Mr Spock?

Spock: Baseball is a tactical game played on a geometric pattern of four sides with a spherical object. The purpose is to deflect the object with a long wooden stick called a "bat," amidst loud verbalizations of "Hurrah" and "The umpire was paid off!" Is this correct?

Kirk: Indeed. We are in the process of learning about one of the baseball teams from old Earth.

Spock: Oh? I am quite versed with old Earth history . . . perhaps I may be of assistance.

Kirk: That's the idea.

Spock: Very well. Proceed.

Kirk: All right. Who's on first.

Spock: I am unable to determine who is on first without proper information concerning the team and year, sir.

Kirk: So?

Spock: Perhaps we could start with who the team is, and I can test the accuracy.

Kirk: No--Who's on first.

Spock: I do not know.

McCoy: Third base.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: No--he's first base.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: Correct.

Spock: Who is correct?

Kirk: Sometimes.

Spock: Who is sometimes?

Kirk: No, Who is first baseman. I'm not familiar with Sometimes'

Spock: Whose identity?

Kirk: No, him I know--he's first baseman.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: That's right.

Spock: Perhaps we can discuss the identity of the second baseman.

Kirk: What.

Spock: I said the second baseman.

Kirk: What.

Spock: This is highly illogical. You have no apparent auditory disfunction, sir. Now, as I asked . . . who is the second baseman?

Kirk: No, you didn't ask that, and Who is the first baseman.

Spock: Very well. Captain, I ask you politely: who is the second baseman?

Kirk: No, Who is the first baseman. What is the second baseman.

Spock: That is incorrect, Captain. The second baseman is obviously a sentient being, and therefore should be referred to as who, and not what. "Who is the second baseman?", not "What is the second baseman?"

Kirk: Wrong, Spock. Who is the first baseman, and What is the second baseman.

Spock: That statement is most illogical.

Kirk: Wait a minute--we'll get Scotty. He's Scottish, he must love baseball. Oh, Mister Scott?

Scotty: (coming from the transporter room) Aye, Cap'n?

Kirk: Who is the first baseman of the team we were talking about.

Scotty: Aye, Cap'n. It ain't never been any other way!

Kirk: You see, Spock?

Spock: Yes . . . Mister Scott seems to know the material well. Very well. Mister Scott, who is the second baseman?

Scotty: Ach! No, Mister Spock! That be What you're talking about!

Spock: I know that be what . . . er . . . is what I'm talking about. I am very intelligent, and rarely lose track of what I am talking about.

Scotty: Ach! Don't bring track inta this! That be a bloomin' field event!

Spock: What has this got to do with field events?

Scotty: Ach! No! What's the second baseman!

Spock: Again, I note that a person should be referred to as "who" and not "what," Mister Scott.

Scotty: Only if he's tha first baseman, Mister Spock!

Spock: What you are saying is most illogical.

Scotty: Ach! No! What's a real bright fella!

Spock: Who is a "real bright fella" Mister Scott?

Scotty: No! Who . . . now he's a real dope, sir!

Spock: Who is?

Scotty: Right!

Spock: Captain, this is most illogical, and I do not feel as though we are getting anywhere. Perhaps we can discuss the identity of another player, such as the pitcher?

Kirk: Tomorrow.

Spock: Tomorrow? If you are genuinely interested in this discussion, today would be much better.

McCoy: Well, Spock, Today *is* good, but he's the catcher.

Spock: Who is?

Scotty: Nay, Mr Spock--Who's the first baseman.

Spock: I do not know.

Kirk: Third base!

Spock: What?

Kirk: No, he's on second.

Spock: Who is?

Kirk: No, Spock, Who's on first.

Spock: I do not know.

McCoy: Third base!

[This continues on for quite some time until finally we see a medical team in the corridor, gathered around Spock, who is bound in a straitjacket.]

Spock: (babbling incoherently) I don't know who what first base second base third base catcher pitcher today tomorrow I don't know . . .

Kirk: Bones, do you think maybe we went too far this time?


"What do you think, Number One?" I ask.

"This is a very interesting historical document, Captain" replies Riker, "I do have one question, though"

"What's that?"

"Do you think we could try it out on Data?"

"Careful, Number One" I say, "We don't want to overload his positronic brain!"

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Paradise Planet (Part Two)

At the moment, there is great difficulty abroad the Enterprise.

I am the only one still on board.

The rest of the crew, including Captain Picard, have beamed down to the planet Paradisio where four other starships also have their people. Supposedly, they are living a life of endless pleasure.

I get a hail from the surface. It is Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher. They are wearing simple jungle outfits and are looking very contented.

"Hey Data!" says the Captain, "Why don't you come and join Bev and the rest of us. We're all having a great time!"

"Starfleet Regulations do not..." I start to say...

"Oh, phooey, Data!" says the Doctor.

Jennifer Baxter's picture comes on; she is my girlfriend. She is wearing an enticing bikini.

"Data, honey" she purrs with a seductive voice, "Come down here, you know we'll have a lot of fun."

"I did come down earlier." I tell her, "But I observed something was wrong so I have returned to find out what it is."

"Oh, you're such a square, Data!" she informs me.

Things must be strange down there; even Spot wants to stay on Paradisio.

Looking at the five starships, it seems that the number of personel is a lot less on the planet. I wonder where some of them have gone?

When I call Captain Fraser of the starship Velcro, I get the customary "Who cares?" answer. The laissez-faire attitude of everybody is most noticeable.

I suddenly notice that five more people have vanished in a certain part of the planet. When I investigate the screen replay, I notice that sinister creatures are snatching them for themselves.

The Enterprise long-range camera gets a close up of them; Commander Riker would have called them 'creepier than a Cardassian in a horror movie.'

The cliff area where they are being taken appears to be spewing a strange gas into the air. It is this that has caused the attitude in everybody. The aliens want people to stay there so that they can keep them programming is not fixed for those gory thoughts.

I get the Enterprise to send high power phaser bolts to destroy the cliff area. No more gas is being emitted.

I expect a response from Captain Picard in the near future.

Nearly an hour later, a hail comes from below.

The Captain's image comes on the videoscreen. His chin is unshaven, and has his uniform on badly. Doctor Crusher is with him, her hair a mess.

"Ah, Data, old friend" he tells me, "Good to see you. I don't know what happened. We seem to have err.. overrated this planet a little. We'd like to err...beam back if that's ok?"

"Yes, sir" I reply.

Jennifer Baxter comes on the screen.

"Oh, Data my dearest" she says to me, "You know I couldn't live without you. I'll be coming up; Spot has been missing you so much, and Sustenance number 23."


Later, Captain Picard invites me into his Ready Room for 'a little chat', as he calls it.

"Data, my friend" he starts, "The Captains of the other ship have agreed that this is something we'd like to err... forget about."

"What do you mean, sir." I say in my best android voice.

"What I mean, Data, is let's just say some aliens abducted us"

"If you say so, sir" I say.

"That's good, Data!" he tells me.

"I'll just type the story for record purposes." I tell him.

In the distance, I hear Captain Picard coughing away.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Paradise Planet (Part One)

Several starships have recently disappeared in Sector X2; everytime one goes to investigate, it vanishes, and is never heard from again.

Now the Enterprise has drawn the short straw to take a look; it would have to be us sooner or later, wouldn't it?

Admiral Warner is talking to me in my Ready Room.

"Well, Captain Picard" he tells me, "We have every confidence in you and the crew to sort things out."

"Are you coming with us?" I ask him.

"Nothing would give me greater pleasure, Captain" he says haltingly, "But there are many meetings and tasks to take care of at Starfleet understand..."

Yes, I understand.

We go to the Transporter Room; the Admiral seems keen to get off, just in case he accidentally gets left on the ship.

"Goodbye, Captain." he says, just before beaming off, "It's been a pleasure knowing you. Starfleet will remember you."

He vanishes, and we look like we've got trouble ahead.

"You look worried, Captain" says Deanna, "I sense an air of concern throughout the ship at this mission."

"It's probably just emanating from me, Counselor" I reply, "I'll need to break open a few stress pills on the way to Sector X2."

Riker is in Ten Forward eating a few donuts.

"Number One" I tell him, "I think you need to cut down on those."

"It helps me when I worry" he replies.

"Then give me some, and we'll keep on eating."

Worf looks very happy, in contrast to the rest of the crew.

"We shall look for a great victory." he proudly tells me, "Otherwise, it will be a good day to die!"

Speak for yourself, Mr Worf.

Data comes forward and volunteers to be 'Morale Officer' for the voyage.

I try to let him down lightly.

"Mr Data" I tell him, "Though you have many artistic talents, I fear that Dr Soong did not properly apply a sense of humour chip in you."

"I understand, sir" he tells me, in a voice that tries to make me feel guilty.


Hours later, we arrive at Sector X2.

"The four missing starships are orbiting the third planet." Data informs me.

We get a hail from the planet. It is Captain Fraser, of the Velcro, one of the missing ships.

"Welcome to Paradisio, Captain Picard!" he joyfully tells me, " This will be your new home from now on."

I put on my most officious Starfleet voice.

"We've come to pick all your crew up, Captain." I tell him, "You could all be arrested for desertion."

"Who cares?" he tells me, "You'll want to stay here as well."

I switch off, can get ready to take an Away Team down to Paradisio.

Worf, Riker, Deanna, Jadzia, Beverly and myself all go down armed with phasers in order to round the ringleaders up.

This mission is easy, after all; I thought it was going to be so dangerous. We'll get those crews in the brig in no time!

We materialise on Paradisio. Fraser comes forward with the crew and Captains from the other starships to greet us all.

The planet looks wonderful, with lush vegetation, waterfalls and rich fruit. A truly beautiful place. Beverly and I could like it here.

I can't see why I should want to leave here; the others soon agree and we throw away our phasers. I kiss Beverly, Riker kisses Deanna and Worf kisses Jadzia.

I use my com to get the rest of the crew to come down. Everywhere is wonderful.

This is more like it, and we go to explore our new home.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

TWQ: Caption Competition

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks you to put words to the image.

21st April was the Queen's 80th birthday. Can you imagine what she and Prince Charles might be saying to each other.


My answer is:

"Charles, dear, do you think it was wise to send Prince Philip up on the Buckingham Palace roof to clean it?"

Now it's over to you...

But before you go...sent by Miss Cellania :

Top 10 Things We Learnt From 'Star Trek':

* There's never enough power to run away and keep your shields up at the same time.
* Women from other worlds are strangely attracted to pot-bellied ham actors.
* Asked how long to fix the warp core, overestimate the time by at least a day.
* Klingons have yet to discover Oil of Olay.
* Betazoid powers are obviously ineffective during poker games.
* All warp engines can exceed design specifications if you really need them to.
* You can find parking in San Francisco.
* Never ask an android or a Vulcan for a neck rub.
* No matter how many starships you lose as a captain, you'll be given another one.
* If Kirk, Spock, and McCoy need a fourth for a landing party, don't volunteer. You'll die!

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Undercover (Part Three)

Beverly and I are not in a pleasant situation right now, thank you for asking.

After going undercover as members of the criminal organisation the Evil Force, we have discovered that the leader is no other than Admiral Jensen, Head of Starfleet Special Operations, who sent us on this mission.

What a shambles.

"Why did you send us on this mission, Jensen?" I ask him.

"To get you two and to destroy Starfleet" he says evilly, "To have the Captain of the Enterprise here and to be inside Starfleet will give me access to so many things!"

He sounds like he's been out in the sun too long. Why are evil villains not rational thinking?

"We are expendable" Beverly says to him, "Starfleet will just write us off and hunt you vermin down!"

Steady on, Bev, we don't want to get him cross.

"Brave words, Doctor" says Jensen, "But the aquisition of you two plus the forthcoming destruction of Starfleet, when I start placing members of the Evil Force around in key positions, will only be a matter of time!"

Another chance for a mad laugh from all the members of the Evil Force in the room. It sounds like the monkey house at the local zoo.

"Options?" I whisper to Beverly.

She looks surprised.

"None!" she replies.

Both of us get the idea that a date together in the Enterprise holodeck is looking very slim for the future.

Suddenly, the room is filled with Starfleet officials who have beamed in, armed with phasers.

The round up the Evil Force and take them away.

"What is going on? " I ask Admiral Buchanon, Head of Starfleet Security, who was there with the others who beamed in.

"We've had our eye on Jensen for some time" he told me, "When he said he wanted to use you to infiltrate the Evil Force, we guessed what he was up to. Just before you left, we planted a tracker on you to find the base."

"Why didn't you tell us?" I protested.

"Well, Captain" he smiled, "We wanted you to look naturally worried. You might not have been, had we told you that you had a tracker fitted on."

"Thanks a lot!" I say drily.

"Thank you, Captain Picard and Doctor Crusher" he says, "You have done Starfleet a great service."

He walks off.

"If he ever comes on the Enterprise" says Beverly, with a snarl, "He'd better hope he never has a medical check-up!"

"That's my Bev!" I tell her.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Undercover (Part Two)

The cloaked figure comes out of the shadows to greet Jean-Luc and myself, who are working undercover as members of the Evil Force.

He looks like the Grim Reaper.

Well he is scaring me after all; I'm not cut out for this sort of thing, nor is Jean-Luc. I like to give people hyposprays and he prefers to sit back in his Captain's chair and say "Make it so" every few minutes.

"Greetings, Jola and Valerine" he says, "And welcome to Earth"

He removes his hood to show a large hairy man with a scar down the right side of his face. I wish he'd put his hood back on; he looks even scarier than before.

"My name is Santos, and I am the Number Two operative within the Evil Force." he tells us, "We are honoured to have the foremost criminals of Riva as part of our set-up here"

He then goes into a mad laugh, as if he is a scientist about to build a monster. Jean-Luc tries to do an evil laugh as well, but is not very good at it. I nudge him in the ribs.

"What evil will we be unleashing on the poor, unsuspecting Earthlings?" asks Jean-Luc.

"You'll find out when we meet operative Number One of the Evil Force" Santos says with a cackle. "Starfleet won't know what's hit em!"

Jean-Luc and I exchange glances.

"Jola and I would like some time to ourselves" I tell him, "It's been a long journey from Riva"

"Oh yeah" he says, with a sly wink, "I know what you mean. I'm not surprised he wants some time with you! Hur! Hur!"

He has a dirty laugh, and lets us stay in our room for a little while before operative Number One meets us.

"Beverly" whispers Jean-Luc, "This is no time to start getting amourous!"

"Jean-Luc!" I tell him, "We need to discuss what we are going to do with the information we've discovered. Starfleet will be attacked in some way!"

"That's true" he says to me, "We need to find out who the Head of the Evil Force is and get all the information to Starfleet"

"Yes," I say, "Even if it means we lose our lives in doing it"

Jean-Luc turns pale.

"That won't be necessary, I hope" he tells me.

We get a knock on the door. Santos peers his head round.

"Come on, you lovebirds! The head of the Evil Force is keen to meet you." he cackles.

We are led to the main chamber where a lot of cloaked figures are huddled together. One is sitting on a large chair. He sees us and suddenly stands up.

"Greetings Captin Picard and Doctor Crusher" says the cloaked figure. I am the Head of the Evil Force."

He throws back his hood.

It is Admiral Jensen, Head of Special Operations for Starfleet. The man who sent us on this mission.

"Yes" he says with a voice that has suddenly turned evil, as they always tend to, "I have been working for Starfleet, but have really been undercover for the Evil Force"

Everybody in the room then practices their Evil Laugh on us.

Things, I feel, have gone from bad to worse.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Undercover (Part One)

I'm having a meeting with Admiral Jensen, Head of Starfleet Special Operations.

That means shady things that no one gets to find out about.

"Captain Picard" he says to me, "We have a special mission that we'd like you to go on; it's a very secret one."

And dangerous, I should imagine. I'm already wishing that I had feigned a leg injury in the Enterprise gym and sent Riker instead.

"Err...what I it you want, Sir?" I ask him nervously.

"Though we have supposedly outlawed crime on Earth, there is a criminal fraternity operating on the planet called The Evil Force. A leader from Riva, named Jola was coming to see them see them, but we've captured him and his girlfriend. He is a tall bald man, with a red haired girlfriend named Valerine."

I can see where this is leading.

"As the other members of The Evil Force have never met him" says Jensen, "You should be alright; you can infiltrate them and find out who their leaders are so that we can arrest them."

"What about the red-haired girlfriend?" I ask.

"Could you ask Doctor Crusher to do it?" he enquires, "I'm sure she would relish the challenge."

"This isn't a holodeck simulation, Sir" I tell him, "I can't keep the safety protocols on."

"That's an order, Picard!" he tells me, "Now get the doctor and go on your mission!"


Back on the Enterprise, I am just talking to Riker.

"Now, Number One," I tell him, "I would like this ship still to be in one piece when we return. Don't think it as an excuse to have round the clock parties."

He looks crestfallen.

"Not even one?" he asks.

"No, not one!" I tell him.

Data comes up to us.

"Commander Riker" he says, "The ship with the supplies of Klingon bloodwine for the party have arrived."

Riker looks embarrassed.

"Send it back, Mr Data" I tell him, "The order was a mistake."

I talk to Beverly.

"Now remember, Beverly, on this mission, my name is Jola, and your name is Valerine. Wecan't afford to use our real names, otherwise it might be concrete shoes."

She looks puzzled. I explain the meaning, and she looks horrified.

"Are you sure you can do this, Bev?" I ask.

"Yes, Jean-Luc...I mean Jola" she says with a smile. I hope that slip was a joke.

We go to Transporter Room 2, to beam down to the area where the Evil Force are most prevalent: San Francisco.

My clothes are all black, with a tiny skull in the pocket, found when the real Jola was captured. Beverly is wearing an all black dress. She also has a tiny skull in the pocket.


At night, in San Francisco, we are round the docks.

It's not exactly the tourist part of San Francisco, but where the undesirables might hang out. Like the Evil Force.

After waiting around, a mysterious figure comes out of the dark.

"Jola and Valerine" he says, "Welcome to Earth. A pleasure to have you as part of the Evil Force."

It's at times like this when I would like to be sitting in my Ready Room on the Enterprise drinking my Earl grey tea.


Can I afford to be tagged while I'm on a dangerous mission? Nightingale has tagged me, asking me to list ten of life's simple pleasures.

In no particular order:

Drinking Earl Grey in my Ready Room
Saying "Make it so!" in the comfort of the Captain's Chair.
Doing my 'Hamlet' impression when no one is looking.
Belittling an incompetant officer who makes a mess of things.
Taking Bev on a date in the holodeck.
Scaring crew members by testing if the 'self destruct' countdown is still working.
Sneaking behind Data and switching him off.
Listening to Riker trying to give a reason why he was in Deanna's quarters late at night.
Practicising my disco dancing in my quarters.
Singing drinking songs in Ten Forward.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

200th Post Party!

Welcome to my 200th Post Party!

We'll be slipping down to Ten Forward to listen in on all the activities going on there while guest have their cheesy dips and Klingon bloodwine.

Mr Worf will be on hand with his Security Team to make sure nothing gets out of hand, so please remember to behave yourselves, as the Brig door will be open... unless there is anyone inside, of course!


Ten Forward was not easy to find; Nightingale, Miss Cellania and Ragdoll, who were the newest in the Guest Quarters got lost easily and found themselves on the Bridge. It was a good job, as no one was piloting the Enterprise, so they took over there. Miss Cellania voted herself Captain, with nightingale as her Number One. Ragdoll was her Counselor. She said, "Make it so" and we were off.

Back where the party was going on, Mrs Mogul was telling Pieces Of Me , Trinity and Vampirella all about her baby, and showing them her baby pictures. Professor Xavier was keen to tell Vampi it wasn't him, after all, but Riker kept butting in and addressing him as 'Captain'.

A True Jersey Girl was at the bar drinking a Klingon Bloodwine with Shelley and Raehan, telling them about the latest rock concert she had visited.

Michelle and Michele were having an argument over how their names should be properly spelt. M C Pearson, who had been sitting next to them just groaned and ordered another Bajoran Brandy. Guinan told her that those two had been arguinmg all night.

Better Safe Than Sorry and Jana were asking Master Yoda if they could take part in Jedi Master night school classes. he replied that "Lightsabres for pupils we cannot give out willy-nilly"

InterstellarLass was running around the room on her marathon training, with an exhausted Trying To Catch Up, who was practising for the Blog Olympics.

MommaK and TNChick were talking about blog domains, while A Little Bit Of Me was showing Nettie , Nina and Tammy her latest photographs.

Nic, No Average Girl , Jaime and Ciera were having a deep theological discussion, though Ciera was trying to get away for a dance with Captain Picard.

Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator was talking with Janara Ranae Oneida as they danced about his latest adventures in space while she was trying to tell him about her more dangerous exploits in the Big Brother house.

Craziequeen was showing pictures of her skiing holiday to Is Anything Truly Random?, Minerva and Jen , while Lady Wyntir was discussing her move to Manhattan with Heather Nicole .

Free To Be was asking Fickin Chingers why she had such a strange name; Deanna continued eating her Chocolate Sundae.

Xtessa was having a long conversation with Ribbiticus and Friday's Child about the benefits of living in the Far East.

Stationery Queen was telling Panthergirl and Tigerlily Lounge that she'd like to set up an office on the Enterprise, and that if she manages it, they can work as her secretaries.

Barbara From California was talking to Lori and Moo Alex about the benefits of deep thinking, while a slightly tipsy Natasha was enthusing to Rowan and Tanda about the benefits of deep drinking.

It was at this time the Klingon bloodwine and Bajoran Brandies started to flow a little too freely, and all the guests had to be carried back to their Quarters, with a hangover pill administered the following morning.


I'd like to thank all the visitors to my Journal who have read during the last 200 posts. Not only those in the blogroll, but the many, many others who have complimented me. I really appreciate it. Not only that, I have found a wonderful group of people out there.

Friday, April 14, 2006


I have been tagged by Maryanne to reveal six weird facts about myself. Here we go.

1: I was hit on the head by Boothby for carving 'I luv Bev' on one of the trees at Starfleet Academy recently.

2: I always divert the ship to Starbase 2 so that I can get my supply of Earl Grey, even if we are on a vital mission.

3: I fill in job applications for Riker without him knowing; he is always puzzled when he gets called for interviews.

4: I sent a letter to Starfleet asking them why, despite the fact that I have saved the universe several times, have I not been promoted to Admiral.

5: I suggested at Starfleet Academy that Wesley Crusher should be sent on a long deep-space assignment for a few years when he graduates.

6: I fell asleep in the Captain's chair last week during a battle as it was tiring the day before.


Don't forget the 200th Post party this weekend. See the previous post!

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Planning A Party

I'm in my Ready Room and Riker walks in; he can see I'm busy, so I know it's question-and-answer time.

"Hi Captain" he says, "What are you doing?"

What does he think I'm going to say? The waltz?

"I'm planning a party to take place here on the Enterprise in Ten Forward this weekend, Number One."

"That's great" he replies, "I always love to be involved in any party."

"We won't be involved in the party, except perhaps watching from the sidelines."

"So who will be in the party?" asks Riker, rather puzzlingly. The reason he likes parties is it's a chance to eat any fattening foods that are there.

"The people in our Guest Quarters; this weekend, the 200th post in my Journal will have been reached, and I want to make sure that our guests have a good time."

"You're not going to bring a crate of Bajoran '29 are you?" Riker worringly asks, "Only I remember you had that when you reached the 100th entry, and it took us all a week to get you sober again."

I think for a moment and recall the incident. I've tried to forget about that and decide to cancel that off the forthcoming drinks list.

", Number One, I won't have any of that around."

"Do you think our Guests might be any trouble?" Riker asks me.

"I don't think so, Number One; make sure Mr Worf and his Security team are close to hand, though, we want it all to go smoothly."

I send out a personal invitation to appear on their screens in their Quarters.

I hope this won't be a mistake.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Settling In

I've settled in here on the Enterprise quite well, I think, and have managed to bag me my number one Klingon!

Worfie is such a charmer!

I'm still getting some dark looks from the Troi woman, of course, but that's only to be expected. She tells everyone how I stole her man.

Why can't she just be happy with Riker? Why does a Betazoid have to be so greedy all of the time?

I haven't figured whether it's her who occasionally puts tripwires across the door to my quarters. Poor Worfie went flying over when he visited in the middle of the night.

What disturbs me is the fact that it might be Alexander putting up the tripwires. I'm trying so hard to get him to like me.

In Ten Forward, I bought him a beautiful Banana Sundae, and all he says is, "Do you know when Deanna is coming down? I like chatting with her."

That Troi woman!

I know he would like her to be with Worfie and him rather than me. It's not that he doesn't like Trills or me in particular, but Troi has got that awful gift of the gab that children go for.

Gullible brat!

Still. the latest movie will be shown at the cinema, "Rocky XXXVI". I decide to ask Alexander to come with me."

"Sorry" he says, "I've asked Deanna, and she will be taking me there instead."


I think it's time I had a talk with Worfie when he comes off his shift.

He comes back and hangs up his phaser, and has a glass of Klingon bloodwine.

"Worfie, darling" I say to him in my best feminine voice, "I think we need to have a talk with Alexander."

"It's not about the facts of life, is it Jadzia?" he asks, "He told me the biology class taught him everything. Actually from what he told me, I think they taught him more than I knew."

"No, it's not that" I tell him, "I think Alexander still isn't too fond of me."

"Give him time, Jadzia," he tells me, as if he has had a hard day at the office and just wants a rest, "He'll come round to liking you."

Worfie lies on the sofa and drops off to sleep; I can see I'm going to get no help from him.

I think the only way I'll win is to start thinking like a Klingon.

I go and seek out Alexander, who is in Ten Forward with some children.

"Come on!" I tell him, grabbing him by the hand, "We're going to the holodeck"

We both arrive at Holodeck 2, and program it.

"Now listen, Alexander" I say calmly, "You and I are going to compete in there"

We go in, where there is a series of caves. In front of each of us is a bat'leth, which we pick up.

"We will both face monsters, yours will be slightly less tough to compensate for your age, so the balance betweeen us is right. If you want to beat me, this is the way to do it, not with tripwires."
He looks puzzled, which answers a question for me.

Various monsters come forth and we both polish them off with relative ease; he even helps me with the last and toughest one.

He looks pleased and cheery.

"Let's go and have a Banana Sundae together in Ten Forward, Jadzia." he says.

I think I won, in one context there!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Spring Picnic

I open the Suggestion Box that we have on the Enterprise and find it full of the usual abusive things. None of them can spell. Someone actually thinks there is more than one 'k' in 'incompetant'.

I dispose of them all in my 'pending' file, which is the atomiser. There is one left that caught my eye. It is from Ensign Jennifer Baxter, the ladyfriend of Commander Data.

It says, "As it is spring on Earth, why don't the senior staff have a spring picnic? It would raise the morale of everyone who might be tired of being in a starship for a long time.

I call a meeting to get everybody's opinions.

"Klingons do not go on picnics!" says Worf firmly, "We hunt and kill, and do not sit in a meadow eating cheese and cucumber sandwiches."

"I like cheese and cucumber sandwiches" states Jadzia, "Come on, Worfie, I'll get a basket together for us; I'll put some Klingon Bloodwine in just for you..."

Worf smiles slightly at this, and agrees.

"I'll make a basket up for us, Captain" says Beverley, "I'll bring along some Earl Grey tea."

My face goes slightly red at this, as everyone looks at me.

"I'll make a basket for you, Will" Deanna declares.

"Can you put some donuts in?" Riker quietly whispers, in the hope I don't hear. She agrees to put a few in, and he is satisfied.

Trisha Lewis and Jennifer Baxter will be bringing things for Geordi and Data, and all of us set off for the holodeck, stopping to change into 20th century leisure outfits.

The ladies have summer dresses and the men have casual jeans and shirts on.


I set the program "Typical English meadow, 20th century"

"Safety protocols?" asks the computer.

"None" I reply.

"Is that wise, Captain?" Data tells me.

"Of course it's all right, Data!" I say to him, "What can possibly happen in a 2oth Century English meadow?"

We all step in and see a beautiful summer's day and a lush green English meadow. The sun shines and the birds twitter away.

The contents of the baskets are set out after we lay the blankets on the meadow.

"Who would have thought the 24th Century is outside all this, Jean-Luc" says Beverly, as she holds my hand.

I think all the ladies are getting romantic in here; it must be the spring atmosphere. I lie back and Beverly feeds me a cheese and cucumber sandwich; delicious.

"Is that a bull?" asks Geordi.

"Affirmative" replies Data.

"It seems very keen on coming towards us."

Everyone is starting to look worried; that bull is charging, and a holographic bull where there are no safety protocols is going to cause a lot of damage."

"Mr Worf" I tell him, "You said you like to hunt and kill, well now's your opportunity."

"I do that with my bat'leth" he replies in an irritated voice, "Not with a cheese and cucumber sandwich."

He runs with the rest of us.

"ARCH!" I shout, and we enter the Enterprise corridor.

"Next time we have an English picnic, Captain" Data quietly tells me, "I think it might be prudent to keep the safety protocols on."

I agree; did we leeve the sandwiches in there?

Saturday, April 08, 2006

TWQ: Funny Hospital Stories

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) checks in to hospital to ask the following:

Do you know of any amusing things that have happened to you, a friend or a relative while in hospital, or perhaps visiting a doctor?

Here is my answer:

When my father visited the hospital for a check-up about three years ago for the heart bypass he was to have later, the nurse told him to remove all his clothes. This was in a large room with several booths for patients. As he waited, he heard the nurse say to a patient next door, "What do you think you've done!" The patient replied, "I heard you say to the man in the next cubible remove all your clothes, so I took mine off as well." The nurse told him, "But you're only here for a throat check-up!"

Now it's over to you..

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Dilithium Emissions

Another Starfleet busybody is coming today; why is it always us?

All I know is it's something to do with the environment. Why that should trouble us, I don't know.

We go to Transporter Room 4 to welcome our guest aboard.

He beams on, wearing a very officious-looking suit and carrying a clipboad.

"Hello, I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and I'd like to welc..."

"No time for greetings." the man says quickly, "We need to put this right immediately. I am Jebediah Sneakins from the Enviromental Division, and serious problems have been spotted."

"What are they, Mr Sneakins?" I ask him worriedly.

"It has been noticed that the emissions of Dilithium fuel from starships seem to causing an amount of residue in space. Starships may need to stop from travelling until a solution is found."

"But it's SPACE!" I tell him, desperately, "We can't cease exploring new frontiers or stop defending the Federation just because of a fuel ban. We'd all become Borg in a year!"

"I can't help that" replies Sneakins sniffily, "It's not my job."

Somehow, I think Sneakins has already been assimilated, and been placed back here.

"What are we supposed to use to propel the ships, Mr Sneakins? Coal?" I angrily tell him.

"That would not be an acceptable substitute" he informs me, "Emissions would come from that as well."

Perhaps that is a relief. The prospect of having a boiler room, with a crew shovelling on coal would not be warmly received by anyone.

Sneakins orders the Warp core to be closed down while we assess what we can do. He won't let it be used again.

Woe betide if we are attacked; he wouldn't let us pursue them.

Geordi and Data look into the engines to see if the residue can be cleansed into something harmless.

While we wait, I offer Sneakins something from the replicator.

"This will not cause any residue in space, will it?" he asks.

"No" I reply.

He is satisfied; but then thinks of something else.

"Well what about the... err....waste from the bathrooms?" he challenges me.

"They are automatically disintegrated" I successfully say.

"No residue?"

"None at all" I tell him. If I don't convince him, he won't let any of the crew use the bathrooms again. That could be a problem; especially with the Bolians.

"Very well, Captain" he says, and ticks his clipboard.

Geordi and Data come in.

"Good news" says Geordi, "We've cleansed the Warp Core, and the emissions from the fuel into space are light and will disappear in a second, rather than remaining there."

Sneakins thinks for a moment, and after consideration is satisfied.

"Very good, Captain." he tells me, "I shall instruct Starfleet to do these cleansing techniques with all starships, then everything will be all right."

We go to the Transporter Room, ready to send him back to the Starbase. I don't think my nerves will let him stay around here too long.

"Goodbye, Captain" he tells me, as he looks around, "Incidentally, does using the Transporter cause any harm to the spatial enviroment?"

I beam him off...very quickly!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Boothby's Academy Lecture (Part Two)

Once the polite applause had died down, I was ready to give my lecture on Fauna to the Starfleet Academy Cadets.

They looked a right bunch, I can tell you. Are these the future defenders of the Federation? We might as well send a message to the Borg telling them to come and assimilate us now. With them in the Collective, there would be much in the Hive Mind.

I'm digressing again, aren't I?

Don't say "Yes". I've been through a lot more than you have.

"I'm here to give you a lecture on Fauna." I tell them, "As the Head Gardener at Starfleet Academy, I'm telling you how important it is to respect all forms of alien plant life, whether going as part of an Away Team or colonising a new planet for a community."

A Cadet puts his hand up to ask a question. I sigh; there's always one, isn't there?

"Yes?" I ask him.

"Cadet Wilmslow here" he asks chirpily, "What about the plant that altered Mr Spock in the Away Mission last century, and the Omega Plant that ate Captain Abraxus of the Starship Ohio twenty years ago? Would you classify those as 'hostile'?

A wise guy. He REALLY needs a good clip round the ear.

"They were hostile plants" I tell him, "But in all forms of life there are hostility; they just need to be isolated and controlled. There are no Omega Plants in the Academy Gardens, as they are kept on their native planet and flagged with warning beacons."

Actually, it's a pity there isn't an Omega Plant in the Garden. There are some Cadets I would happily have fed to it.

"Now when you go to a planet," I continue "It's important you are aware of the Fauna there; if you are not, you may well be injured or killed simply because there is a plant that would cause you harm. Remember to respect all life."

A ripple of applause follows; is that all I get?

"Any questions?" I ask them. I know I'm inviting trouble saying it to this lot, but surely they can't say anything too awkward?

A figure stands up. "Cadet Moira Delfino here." she says, "Would you rather have been in a starship then tending the Gardens? After all, isn't it a bit boring?"

"Let me tell you, missy" I tell her forcefully, "I know far more about piloting a starship and about Starfleet life than you ever will. The nuggets of information I pick up from important people means I could get on any starship and take control."

She sits down, slightly red-faced.

Next, that brat Wesley Crusher stands up. I knew, as sure as day follows night, that he'd ask me something.

"Cadet Wesley Crusher here" he says, "There is just one question I would like to ask, that all my fellow Cadets want to know as well; what's your first name, Mr Boothby?"

"That's classified information!" I tell him, "Clear off; this lecture is over."

What a relief to be able to get back to my Gardens.

I wonder if the Starfleet authorites will let me grow an Omega Plant?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Boothby's Academy Lecture (Part One)

I'm on my way to the Academy Lecture Halls.

Now I know that's somewhere I don't usually go; for me, I'm more at home in the Gardens keeping them in good condition.

I have to keep telling those Cadets that the 'Keep Off The Grass' sign that I put up has nothing to do with drugs.

Really, I ask you; the young have no idea, do they? The young whippersnappers.

Anyway, I digress; what was I talking about? I've forgotten.

Can anyone help me?

Oh, yes.

The reason I'm off to the Academy Halls because Admiral Hollingsworth came up to me a few hours ago and said, "Mr Boothby, we think as all the Cadets know you..."

"Only because they've felt my hand hitting them on the back of their heads for trespassing on my Gardens." I replied.

"Err yes" he said, "But we think it would be a good idea if you gave them a lecture on Fauna. Who else knows more?"

"Clear off!" I snapped back, "Yes trespassed on the Garden when you were a Cadet, Hollingsworth, and even carved your name on the tree."

"Let's forget about that." Hollingsworth hastily said, "I'm an Admiral now, and you're ordered to give the lecture. It will be good for them when they learn to respect plant fauna on other planets when they have colonised them."


That was then; now I'm approaching the Halls. When these young whippersnappers are Commanders or Captains of a starship, and they are being attacked by deadly aliens, I hardly think they are going to know about flower arranging.

I meet that annoying Wesley Crusher on the way in; if anything will ensure everything will be a disaster it's him. I feel jinxed when he's around. Still, I've heard others say the same thing; right up from Cadets to Admirals.

"Gee, Mr Boothby." he says, "Are you giving today's lecture? It'll be really exciting, then!"

"Clear off!" I reply, and hit him on the back of the head. He's already got me in a bad mood.

Once inside, I wait in the wings, while Hollingsworth announces me to the students.

I ask you; it's like I'm the star performer in a major concert. I'm only giving a silly lecture to a bunch of Cadets who probably couldn't find the 'On' button while using a replicator.

"Now" says Hollingsworth, "The Guest Lecturer for today is no more than someone we all know here at Starfleet Academy. I give you Mr Boothby, our Head Gardener."

I walk on; what a shower they look.

I wonder what I'll say?

Saturday, April 01, 2006

TWQ: Odd Neighbours

In TWQ (The Weekend Question) this week, we take a look next door...

Have you had any weird or unusual neighbours? Have you had any feuds with them? What is your experience with them?

Here is my answer:

In the last few years, the house next to mine has been a rented one. The owner lives elsewhere, and he rents it out. One of them was seen in the middle of the night loading all his furniture on to a truck and leaving without paying any more. He was not seen again. Another family who used to live next door ran an illegal car battery company from there. People would often come up to us and say, "Are you the fellow we get car batteries from"

Now it's over to you...

But before you go...

For those who didn't see it earlier in the week, here is the link to The Picard Song Be sure to to have your speakers on.