Monday, May 30, 2005

Casual Day On The Enterprise

After a visit from Admiral Nbechev, who has just been promoted, we are having a Casual Day on the Enterprise. The reason for this is he is trying to create an impression on Starfleet, with his new 'laid-back' technique.

If we all adopt his approach, the Borg will have no trouble.

With a groan, I instruct the senior staff that they must come in whatever they want the next day.

"Does that mean you will be as well, Sir?" asks Riker, with a smirk, knowing what the answer will be.

"Er, yes, Number One."

The next day, there we all are on the bridge, looking like we are ready to shop in the Starfleet Mall.

Riker has his Canada baseball shirt on with long baggy trousers and a baseball cap.

Worf is in full Klingon battle outfit, and looks as if he's ready to beat up someone. He looks disgustedly at the others.

"It is honourable to wear a uniform to fight in. It is a good day to die."

Why does he always say that?

Deanna Troi has a skimpy mini skirt and her hair is all in weird Betazoid fashion and looks like someone from the 1960's on Earth. I'm having a difficult job in getting Riker's attention. His mind seems to be wandering.

Data has his Sherlock Holmes outfit on. He has a pipe in his pocket, and Data is looking at it fondly.

I hear the word. "Elementary" from his lips.

If he lights that, we'll get soaked in water from the heat alarms and the 'red alert' will go on.

La Forge has a multi coloured shirt and shorts on, as if he is ready to go on the best beach in Brazil. He has no shoes on.

Beverly has hipster trousers with a short top, showing six inches of midriff and a pierced belly button.

I have tried to retain a slight sense of normality with a tuxedo suit, looking like Humphrey Bogart in 'Casablanca', although this may have been a mistake.


Admiral Nbechev has since been removed from office. The reason for this is when another Starfleet vessel encountered us, they didn't believe we were the crew, and thought we had stolen the Enterprise. We were all thrown in the brig, and it was only after DNA testing we were released.


Nbechev is now wearing a uniform of his own. It's a striped one while at the penal colony.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Stranded (Part 2)

Walking 15 miles across desert sand under the blazing hot sunshine of some planet is not my idea of a fun time.

But here I am, trying to find the lifesigns that the tricorder was identifying. The signal is so close I must be nearly there now. A mile or so ahead, the land is green with a few mountainous areas.

All the supplies are gone, and I'm staggering along as if I've had twenty Bajoran Brandies.

That's it. I collapse. In the distance, a few voices are heard.

I wake to find myself in bed and being looked after by a lot of friendly human-type aliens bringing fruit and looking in wonder. The fruit is the best food I've ever tasted.

An old man sits nearby.

"Greetings" he says, "You are truly a god."

"Sorry?" I say in puzzlement.

"No one has crossed the great Desert Rift before. You must be a god who has come to visit us from beyond. Allow us to present you with all we have."

I'm brought the most wonderful fruit by the natives. The women are all beautiful; they would all win the Miss Starfleet Pageant.

The old man brings the best looking one to me.

"This is my daughter" he says, "She would like to marry you and be the wife of a god."

The girl is just 19 and the most enchanting woman I have ever met. I eagerly agree to the marriage.

"You shall live here in paradise" her father says.

At last, just what I've always wanted, after a long life fighting aliens, being diplomatic, playing Captain. The chance to be truly happy. Let Riker have the Enterprise.

I hear a ruffle through the trees, and a sound.


Oh no, not them.

I grudgingly turn and see Riker & Beverly between the branches.

"Go away!" I whisper loudly.

"He's obviously delirious from his desert crossing." Beverly says to Riker.

"Three to beam up" Riker whispers in his Comlink.

I groan as I feel myself dissembling.

It's replicator food time again.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Stranded (Part 1)

Anyone can tell they are going to have a bad day when they are stranded on a planet, with no one there to rescue them.

There I am, in a shuttlecraft, minding my own business, when the plasma cells blow up and I'm forced to land on the nearest M-Class planet. Coughing due to the smoke, I try to pilot the ship and it hits the ground with a thud and buckles up.

Yes, I know. I'm the Captain. I don't need to do on these missions on my own, but somehow it looks good that I don't just sit in the chair all day saying ,"Make it so!"

Next time I'll delegate instead of volunteering.

It's getting hot in the shuttle, so I take a look outside.

The area is a barren desert landscape. I can't stay in the shuttle though, otherwise I'll be like an turkey at the Thanksgiving cereomonies on Earth.

Looking at the Emergency Rations, there is a bottle of water, a lump of cheese and bread.

Hardly 24th Century provisions, are they?

Outside, I set up the distress beacon; that should attract the Enterprise eventually.

I look at the tricorder and see there are lifesigns in a northerly direction. This is a primative pre-warp planet, and should not make contact with them as it is contrary to the Prime Directive.

As I'm likely to be frazzled if I remain here, the Prime Directive was swiftly jettisoned when landing.

An arrow is shaped in the sand pointing to the direction I'll be going.

My bread, cheese and water are ready, and set off north.

I never liked warm planets as it was.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Screaming MeMe

The Enterprise raised shields, but it was too late; we have a Screaming MeMe, bought on by Master Yoda.

Total number of books I own: I hope this does not incude the Enterprise database, otherwise it will be infinity. Starfleet manual, rules on the Prime Directive.

Last Book I Bought: Starfleet Magazine (swimsuit edition)

Last Book I Read: How To Repair Your Warp Drive

Five Books that mean A Lot To Me:

The swimsuit editions of all the Starfleet magazines

How To Repair An Android by Dr Noonien Soong

History of World War 3

Complete Shakespeare (got to keep those quotes going)

What To Do When You Have A Warp Core Breach (this has a long title, but is very just says "Panic" inside.

I must now tag someone; I choose Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator.

No more tags please, or you shall have a photon torpedo.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Back Aboard

Just what has been going on?

Data and I have just returned to the Enterprise after our shuttlecraft visit, and Ten Forward is a complete mess.

I've just found La Forge unconcious under a table.

I ask the computer where I can find Riker.

"Commander Riker is in Counselor Troi's quarters" it says. I've never been able to figure out why our computer sounds so much like Lwaxana Troi. Maybe I'll find out someday.

As I approach Troi's quarters, Riker and Deanna come out laughing, both with their hair ruffled. What has been going on?

"Number One, what has happened to the Enterprise? The crew seem be walking around in a daze holding their heads in despair."

"Er, there was a lot of turbulence last night, Captain, The ship hit a space storm that shook us all badly. Last night was a very eventful night."

Deanna Troi giggles for no apparent reason.

We visit the SickBay, where there is a long line of crewmembers being treated by Beverly. She looks like she's suffered from the turbulence, as she groans and feels her backside in pain.

"Ow!!" she says, and uses a tranquiliser on herself.

"That space storm was bad, last night, Dr Crusher" Riker calls to her.

For a moment she looks a little bewildered, probably from the tranquiliser. Then Beverly sees me and agrees.

As the crew recover, I go back to my ready room to relax. Everything seems tidy, despite the space storm.

I wonder why?

Perhaps the crew kindly put everything back before I arrived.

They really are a considerate group.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Riker Speaking


This is Will Riker, and the Cap has asked me to write the Journal for today as he and Data have gone in a shuttle to study gas clouds in a nebula.

Talk about boring!

Well, it's going to be fun all the way on the Enterprise today while our great leader isn't here. While the Cap's away, the crew will play!

Where do I get them from?

Tonight it's Party Night in Ten Forward. Guinan will be supplying drinks, we'll be having a great time and letting our hair down.

If there is an alien attack at the same time, there may be a problem.

Anyway, it's time to get the show on the road. The music is beating and for once, the crew are going to enjoy themselves!

Worf has started to shout risque Klingon drinking songs. The women aren't embarrassed as they are too busy at the bar drinking T'Keth slammers.

La Forge was the first to start, by indulging in the notorious Orio Cocktails, but he's never been partial to drink, and quickly passed out. He's now sleeping under the table.

Beverly has always liked tap dancing, but after a few Bajoran Brandies, she's decided to tap on the table, and has the whole crew in attention until she slips and falls on her backside. Beverly groggily takes herself off to SickBay.

Deanna & I do a slow dance at the end, as she holds a bottle of potent H'Jan in one end. I think she's got other ideas...

Wow! I wonder what the Cap would have said?

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Holographic Doctor


The Enterprise is being fitted with a new holographic doctor. They are now standard issue on all starships in case the actual doctor cannot be secured or is injured.

Beverley is feeling a little put out.

"I don't see why I should have to be supplemented by a hologram. My job is meant to be undertaken by a human.

I start to groan inwardly. Time to flatter her a little.

"Naturally, you are far better, Beverley, but the holographic doctor is there just in case something happens or there is an overload of injuries. He'll be there to help you; he has the knowledge of over 100 Starfleet doctors."

Beverley still looks a little sore as if I built the hologram. I guess she won't want to sit with me in Ten Forward for a few days.

"Let's switch him on." I say.

"Activate EMH"

The Emergency Medical Hologram appears. He is the image of his creator Dr Zimmerman, a balding man with dark hair on the sides.

"Please state the nature of your medical emergency." says the EMH.

"Sorry, I was just testing you out. There's nothing wrong." I say.

"Well don't do it again! Call me only when there is a real emergency and stop bothering me! I was created for complex medical decisions, not to be switched off and on again at your behest!"

"Switch off EMH" I say, and see Beverley grinning.

It looks like the bedside manner of the EMH needs to be worked on a little.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Lwaxana Troi


The day seemed to start off so well.

For once, it didn't begin with a headache, but I developed one soon after Counselor Troi informed me we would be picking her mother up and taking her to her home planet of Betazed.

Oh no, not her?

Lwaxana Troi has always been a problem ever since she boards the vessel. The first time she did, she eyed me as a possible husband.

Let's just hope it's a trouble-free journey this time.

I take an extra aspirin and go down to Transporter Room 2 with Deanna Troi to welcome her.

Lwaxana Troi beams aboard and instantly sees me. I go all tense.

"Welcome aboard, Mrs Troi. Its a pleas....."

"Jean-Luc!" she exclaims, and runs towards me, and grabs me in a vice-like grip and kisses me on both cheeks, "It's been so long since we last talked!"

She turns to her daughter.

"How are you, my dear? Why haven't you got married, yet? Aren't there enough men on the ship?"

"Mother!" she exclaims and turns a bright red.

The two of them then have a heated telepathic exchange of words. They both look at me occasionally as if I am intruding.

After a while, Mrs Troi grabs my arm.

"Come on, Jean-Luc, you can personally escort me to my quarters."

I notice her giving a wink to Deanna, who looks disgustedly on. Quickly, I send a message to Riker on the way.

"Get the Enterprise on Warp Factor 9.5 to Betazed."

"We'll be there in two hours, Captain, instead of the scheduled three days at that speed."

"I know that, Number One. Just do it! Picard out."

Sometimes, desperate measures have to be undertaken when a person is in dire straits.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Captain Picard Day

The day I dislike most in the whole year is here again.

It's Captain Picard Day.

This is the time when all the children on the ship enter some artistic competition and I have to be the judge. I choose a winner, a runner up and four honourable mentions.

Riker loves this time; he gets a good laugh at seeing me squirm. He knows I'm uncomfortable with children. Every year it's a disaster.

Firstly I have to go to SickBay and talk to Beverley. I need to get over the stress the occasion gives me.

"Jean-Luc", she says, "It's a great occasion for the children; here's a tranquilliser. Just keep smiling and it will be all over soon."

I take two of them.

Deanna Troi corners me on the way to Ten Forward, where the event is being held.

"Isn't Captain's Day a wonderful idea. They all see you as a great role model."

I tell her that I'm not to good around children.

"Well, this is an occasion where you can learn to be be more friendly towards them. Just relax, smile, and enjoy it."

Some help she is.

I arrive at Ten Forward. A group of about eight surly children are waiting to be judged.

The entries are awful. There's a clay model of me with an oversize head. That one won't win.

I see a painting that is just a mess of colours.

"Err...what's that?" I ask.

"It's the Enterprise" says one small boy. "Can't you tell? I thought you were supposed to be the Captain."

"I am"

"Well that man looks more like a Captain."

He points to Riker, who grins.

Eventually, I choose the least worst entry as the winner; it's a slightly viewable painting by a little girl named Cathy. Two of the other entrants start crying, and are escorted away by their mothers.

As I present the prize, Cathy is sick over my uniform.

I'm instigating a Riker Day to take place soon.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Engine Check

The Enterprise is having it's annual engine service at Starbase 10.

That's another headache for me to have on my mind. Geordi La Forge is so tetchy when this comes around every year. He's very possessive about what he calls 'his' engines.

While I sit at my desk having another aspirin, La Forge is pacing up and down.

"I don't see why they have to meddle with my engines, Captain. Throughout the year, I've tending them so they run on optimum efficiency. After all, we are the flagship of Starfleet; I've made sure all these months they work at their best with constant tests and changes myself"

My head starts to throb again; another aspirin.

"Geordi" I try to tell him, "Of course you do a great job, but it's Starfleet requirements that a ship has to be tested once a year, even one that has been handled as well as this one."

The head tester walks in.

"Sorry to say, Captain, but the engines are in bad shape."

La Forge's visor nearly falls off, as his face is transformed.

"The trouble is that the engines have been tweaked about with by someone too much. They were designed to work perfectly automatically. The engines didn't need to be constantly adjusted. Try not to let this happen again. I'll send my bill to Starfleet.

La Forge grumbles some sentence I can't hear and leaves the room.

No more aspirin needed, and I sit back with a smile.

Thursday, May 12, 2005


I'm just returning to my quarters after a couple of days as it had to be redecorated. It's been awful having to share Data's room, sitting on a spare bed. There are no spare quarters due to the Ambassadors on the ship.

That cat of his is so maddening!

Everytime I was just about to drift into dreamland, Spot would pounce on me. I'm sure he waited for the exact time I would nod off.

Anyway, all that is now in the past, and I can see what a beautiful job the top Starfleet decorators have made of the Captain's Quarters.

It's hideous.

Why are the walls bright yellow and purple, with a rainbow tinted carpet and a green ceiling?

I rush out of the room; it's either that or I pass out from the mind-expanding colours.

It takes a while, but I track down the decorators and tell them I DO NOT want a room that looks like a permanant Bajoran drug trip. After I release my hands from their necks, they assure my that they will put the room just how it was before, although it might take a day to do.

I have to ask Data if I can use the spare bed again.

Does it look as if that cat is smiling?

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Admiral's Conference

That's all I've need. I've been invited to the Admiral's Conference.

How am I going to get out of it this year?

The conference is the dullest event on the Starfleet calendar. The food is the worst in the galaxy and all the talk consists of is a lot of Admirals making mind-numbing speeches while we listen on in a stupor.

Riker has a grin on his face when I tell him; I think he has a sadistic streak in him.

"Well, Number One, we'd better take the Enterprise off to the conference."

"Yes, sir. Set a course for Starbase 2, Warp Factor 7"

Admiral Yamamoto talks to me via the video screen.

"Well, Captain, we're glad that we'll finally be able to see you there."

Another sarky one. I can take a hint.

"I look forward to seeing you at the conference, Admiral. I'm sorry that I've been unable to come on previous times, but will definately be here this time. Picard out."

To take my mind off the problem, I go to the holodeck for some horseriding. For quite a while I do some great jumps with the stallion, but with one jump, I land awkwardly, fall off the horse and black out.

The next thing I know, I'm in Sickbay.

Beverly is treating me.

"You had a nasty fall, Jean-Luc. You shouldn't be jumping at your ag....I mean without the holo safety on."

"How am I, Doctor?"

"You've got bad bruises all over, and need plenty of rest in SickBay"

"But, what about the conference?"

"You're in no condition to go there, Jean-Luc."

Riker comes in to ask how I am. He's still grinning.

"Number One, you'll have to go to the conference as my representative."

I've never seen his grin fall away so fast. I'll have to remember this excuse next year.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Poetry Recital

Tonight, the crew have been invited to a Poetry Recital by Commander Data. We will be listening to his latest works.

Where's the cotton wool?

Data has been droning on for the last 90 minutes. Worf looks like he wants to strangle a Romulan, but sits politely. Geordi La Forge patiently listens to his friend. Beverly has a pleasant smile that is rather fixed. Riker continually falls asleep but is woken up by Deanna every time he does. I have a strained official look.

Data goes on...

"For my next poem, I would like to dedicate it to my cat, Spot."

What do you do, my cat Spot?
In your feline day, is not a lot.
Yet there you are, pleasing to me,
A four legged creature, roaming free.
You consume Cat Protein 25,
This vital food keeps you alive.
Your sleepiness matters not,
For you are in truth, my cat Spot.

I don't think I can take much more of this.

Troi wakes Riker up again and we start clapping. I had more enjoyment when I was being assimilated by the Borg.

Data is about to say "For my next poem.." when the Red Alert signal goes on.

I receive the message that the Enterprise is under attack from unknown aliens with tri-cobalt titanium missiles.

What a relief.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

Kathryn Janeway

Today at Starbase 45, I say hello to the latest Captain in Starfleet: Kathryn Janeway. I take her aboard the Enterprise to show her around.

As I turn round, she has disappeared.

It takes me a few minutes to find her again. She says she turned the wrong way and got lost.

We talk over a drink of Earl Grey tea; Janeway tells me that though she has been very headstrong in her career, she does have a tendancy to get lost very easily.

"I lose my bearings very easily, and have never been able to read maps. It was my weakest subject at the Academy."

"Have you had a posting, yet, Captain?" I ask her.

"Yes, it's the USS Voyager, which I'll be heading to as soon as I finish chatting to you."

We talk about Starfleet gossip for a while and eventually head back.

"Can you show me just where the transporters are, Captain Picard? I haven't a clue where anything is."

I pity the crew of Voyager. They are likely to get lost VERY quickly with her at the helm.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Wesley Crusher

Today, the Enterprise is stopping to pick up a former crewmember of ours; Wesley Crusher. He is here for a short visit.

That little know-all.

I sense impending dread here. The Enterprise will have something nasty happen to it, just like it always does when that brat ia aboard. Then, he always saves the ship with a few seconds to spare.

Don't be pessimistic; maybe it will be different this time.

Fifteen minutes after he arrives with that cheery grin of his, Wesley saves the ship with five seconds to spare by managing to reroute a faulty plasma circuit; this would have caused a warp core breach, and exploded the ship.

Quick, someone; get him off the Enterprise. I'm going neurotic here.

Monday, May 02, 2005


Today, I'm trying out my wig for the first time, It's brown, covers the top of the head, with sides that over the ears. I go to the Bridge.

"Take the Enterprise to the Virdana Colony, Warp Factor Six"

"Yes, Captain."

No one has said anything yet.

I sit in the Captain's chair. Riker is to my right. I can feel his eyes looking at the top of my head. He thinks I haven't noticed, and he gestures to Deanna Troi, who is sitting on my left. I sense his hand pointing to me and then to my head. Troi breaks into a fit of giggles.

"Anything wrong, Counselor?" I ask.

"Er, no, Captain. I'll need to talk to Commander Riker in your Ready Room. May I?"

"By all means."

The two of them swiftly walk into the Ready Room, Troi covering her mouth. A few seconds later, I can hear bursts of laughter in the distance. A little later they both come out, with red faces.

Worf has an idiotic grin on his face; an odd look for a Klingon.

Data looks at me with that puzzled look he uses when his circuits don't make sense to him.

"Captain, may I ask you a question?"

Here it comes.

"Yes, Commander?"

"Why does a human want to wear a dead Tribble on the top of their head?"

I tell him that I was going to have it cremated later. Data happily takes it and goes off to get the wig cremated.

Why ever didn't Data ever have a Tact Mode fitted in?

Sunday, May 01, 2005


After that insulting comment by that uppity young Ensign, I wonder if there is something I could do to look a little younger? I visit the Sick Bay and talk to Beverly Crusher.

"Beverly, do you think, er... you could enhance follicle growth on my head at all?"

"Are you worried about being bald, Jean-Luc? You might want to talk to Counselor Troi."

"No, not at all, don't be ridiculous. I was just enquiring about the technology."

"Jean-Luc, here in the 24th Century, we may have the cure for the common cold, we may be able to surgically alter the appearance of anybody. I've even managed somehow to give Worf an artificial spine; but to grow hair on a bald head is something way beyond our scientists."

I go away disheartened.

How would I look in a wig?

Starbase 154

The Enterprise stops for some R&R at Starbase 154. I am relaxing at the local bar when a pretty young Ensign I haven't seen before comes in. I walk on over.

"Hi Ensign, would you like to go out for a date tonight?"

"Get lost, pops."


"Don't be like that. I'm the Captain of that big starship out there; if you like, I could give you an exclusive tour. There's a great holodeck program which I'm sure you'll love. Call me Cappy."

"Take a hike; I don't date old men. I've already got a date tonight."

"Not with Riker is it? Don't get taken in with that smile he always uses."

"No, it's that delightful Lieutenant Commander Data."

I'm disgusted; beaten to the girl by something with a few more circuits than a toaster.