Monday, October 10, 2005

The View From The Bar

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Running this bar is a cinch after all that I've been through, I can tell you.

It keeps me young as well. Though I'm over 600 years old, I sometimes don't feel a day over 350.

It's those drinking songs that annoy me, though. When Worf has had a few, he really gets going, and there we are, back on the Klingon homeworld and singing songs of Kahless and his epic quests.

Do me a favour, Worf!

Geordi, now he's another one. I'm there behind the bar, and I have to hear his witless attempts to chat up women. He has no idea.

He starts with, "Hiya babe, I'm the Chief Engineer."

I ask you!

The unlucky woman look in pity and disgust at him and walks off, while Geordi looks amazed. If any female actually responded to his awful chat-up lines, he wouldn't have a clue what to do next.

Jean-Luc and Beverly are a pair, though. They will come in at different times and tell me how much they like the other, but have to maintain a professional distance.

Come on, you two!

Of course, I'm a great friend of Jean-Luc; I met him in the 19th Century when he time-travelled here. I've had a few dealings with Q as well. I got to Earth when my planet had been invaded by the Borg.

Talk about a backward planet! No warp drive, no space travel!

In the 20th Century, I changed my name for a while and went into acting. Some of the movies were ridiculous. I never understood the plots myself, but I had to dress up in this black outfit called a nun's habit.

Afterward, I went on this television quiz show called 'Hollywood Squares'. The producer told me just to say any idiotic answer. This I did, and for some reason, the audience laughed.

I went into hiding for a while, and when Jeffram Cochrane had a slight idea about warp drive, I gave him a couple of hints. As he was always drunk, he forgot to mention my involvement.

Nearly a century later, I applied for the job of Communications Officer on Captain Archer's Enterprise, but failed to get it. No Starfleet experience, they say.

If only they knew!

Another century passed; I then applied for the same job on the 'five year mission' on the Enterprise that Kirk was on. He personally interviewed all the women, but this Uhura got it.

What does he know?

In the end, after nearly yet another hundred years, I finally get on the Enterprise; as a bartender!

With all the people I've met, I ought to have been at least First Officer, don't you...hold on, Deanna and Riker are giggling with each other.

I'll be listening in...

15 comments:

R.A. Slater said...

Cpt. - - want to see how The Shadow's interivew turned out?

Ciera said...

At least as bartender, you don't have to answer to all those Admirals and whatvers that give the Captain such a hard time.

Trucker Pete said...

I'm enjoying your blog! Very clever. :)

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Yeah, there are some days when I feel over 350 as well!!!

Enjoy your creative reads, JLP!

True Jersey Girl said...

I love listening in to others at the bar...but why do I think that by the end of the night, they are probably listening to me?

Trinity13 said...

Plan on sharing what you overheard between Riker and Deanna???

Raehan said...

You seem to have a talent for fiction, Jean-Luc. Are you doing the novel marathon?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Say, Guinan, what's it like hanging out with Bruce Vilanch? I think he's very funny. That's funny "strange" not funny "ha ha."

Anonymous said...

Whoopie is 600 years old??
Seriously I have a draft ready on when I was a bartender..no joke!

Professor Xavier said...

Your post makes me think that I should have a bar installed at the school. Seems like a great place to unwind.

Shelley said...

Another wonderful post! Thanks for the laughs!!!! I am sick and tired of Beverly and you and how you just act like sick teenagers...what are you going to start passing notes or something now? COME ON Captain...you need to just shag her and get it over with! There's always the Christmas party to look forward to....HEE HEE!!! To think we all didn't know that Whoppi was from another time...it was so OBVIOUS! Hindsight...

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A bartender has the responsibility to keep to herself all the gossip she hears.

Professor, I thought a lot of the students at your school were underage, so a bar would be impractical.

Superhero Bob, my interview was a little short, wasn't it?

Shelley, here in the 24th Century, we have to behave with more discetion and decorum...unfortunately.

R.A. Slater said...

well...there's always the option of a retry...is there coffee involved?

Professor Xavier said...

While I do recognize that in traditional Homo Sapien society, having a bar at a school with so-called minors might be frowned upon, the children need some place to unwind after I have thrown them into life-threatening combat. It's all a matter of perspective, really.

And aren't you a French man? Children get wine with dinner, non?

cube said...

Everyone knows that at 600 years of age you lose your eyebrows. Look at Guinan...